Wife Left (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

I love your lists! Way to decode this!...

hey, sorry for the length of this one but I won't be able to post much longer soon...

You have many things NOT to do on your list so maybe you could
write up a TO DO list, as opposed to so many "NOT TO DO" things...

we all usually know from childhood that a parent or someone around us demonstrates behaviors we don't want to emulate...so we usually know what "not" to do. Yet in times of crisis, we revert to those negatives.

That's partly why abusers, drinkers, yellers, etc all repeat things they vowed not to do as they grew up. In good times they are usually fine.
But in the heat of the moment, they go back to what they know and that's not always a good thing.


So we need to replace that negative example of what NOT to do, with a positive one of what TO Do...OR we'll revert to what we know.

fortunately I have seen someone lern from the positives and change their lives and leave a legacy of that.

My h's bf, "Dale", is a great father and husband. Probably the best one I know and we've been best friends for our whole marriage and before that, we double dated in college. We go way back.

But Dale came from a broken home. Worse, after his father was divorced the 3rd time, he dad took his own life. So Dale's primary male role model was a very very dark negative model for living...

So how did Dale become such an amazing dad and husband? How can one be so different and better when his own role model was so flawed?


Simple...not "easy" but not complicated. Dale told me that he found another role model, -men he admired who acted as mentors to him. They modelled for him what normal healthy loving men do...even and especially in bad times or crisis.

One positive role model was his fil. I know his FIL too, and he IS a great dad and husband!...

but you know, CO1978, the kicker is, that FIL came from a broken home too! His family disowned him when he married way back in 1951.

so you see, others have made their way but it sure is easier when you have someone in mind to emulate in those dark times. Most of us are fine in smooth days. It's the angry nights of rejection and stress that test us. So Seek those positive role models out.

It's very important to find those men who support and encourage and model positives for you.

Tonight was at IC, didn't feel the best coming out. Therapist said I am on right path and everything on my end is looking good. I told him about W saying "I'm not coming back, it's over, I don't love you anymore." He said I need to start looking at "what if" she means that and look to see when I am ready to ask her where we stand and where are we headed.


your t wants you to know deep down that you will survive whatever happens...and you will and you'll be happy again.

BUT my gosh it is way to soon to think this is near over...you've barely been in DB land and your w is only now realizing that a 4 day stint away from son stinks and that's what she'll face if you two divorce

but if your changes are real, and lasting, then of course she'll second guess her choice to leave. But that takes way more time!

and I myself said I thought our m was over. 5 years ago I gave it a "10% chance of success"....


I told him I still want to fight for our marriage, and he said that is good, so its not time to ask that yet, but I should still prepare my mind for it.


so maybe you ought to hope & work For the best, and prepare for the worst?



He said W's damage goes back a lot farther than just a month probably 1-2 years at least, and it may not be undone.

The good news is that the T sees this and I assume she'll work on them...right?
as for timing...
There is a "rule of thumb" around here that says a month for every year of marriage til the WAS believes the changes you are making are real and will last if she comes home.

that means 7 months, right?


She needs to get help and must want the help, and it may not include me.


she is on a journey, like all of us. She might not invite you soon, but she may someday. And it might be sooner rather than later. It's too early to tell right now.

He does want to see the 2 of us together again (doubt W will want to). I know I do need to accept this may not work out, I am just not ready to yet.

do not confuse preparing for the worst in the deep recesses of your mind, with giving up. They are very different. You'd be weird not to admit it's possible she won't want to come home no matter what you do.

That means your changes must be real and lasting for YOU so that you are the man you were meant to become. You'll be a better partner for sure, and that matters b/c your chance of being here again, is greatly diminished by making those changes

and besides, the more loving a h you become, the happier and more loving your future r's will become. Hopefully with your w, but if not, so be it.

OTOH, in my opinion those who prepare for failure within the first few months of supposed DBing, reveal shortcomings of their own

(OR a very low reserve for this. I'd be in that category now, b/c I have been through all this and for me, DBing through a crisis is a once in a lifetime deal. I could not do it again
but I have no regrets to have gone through what I did. Hope that makes sense.)


Thinking of future arrangements for S is not going to be good, obviously what we are doing right now wouldn't be valid if we got D. I don't go back until first week of January. I guess I DB until then.


um yeah...and beyond.

Why is it being given such a short experimental time? I mean, do you have a plan B that isn't getting explored or what? What else would you do, give up?


I am not close to wanting to quit and there for I will not bring up anything of our M. I will shut up and listen, validate her, ask "I understand how you feel, is there anything I can do to help?" or "do you want my opinion or do you want me to just listen". I am not going to "rescue" her or "fix" her problems.


I think if you are open, and flexible/adaptable, you will do well with this^^^ approach.

I will concentrate on ME and S. I think I feel a little down right now, because I do realize that M may be over, but I do know I can be happy without her.

Good plan but I'm sorry you are sad right now. I promise this does get easier.

FYI, re: the drinking, keep looking for a good support group in AA. There are more groups than you know, all around you. I joined a 12 step program for dependency on pain pills after a 3rd/final spinal surgery.

Plus my dad was an alcoholic and I went to Al a Teen when I was young.

I learned a lot. Sure, there are some people and groups that don't mesh well b/c they might be the demographic that has nothing in common with you. You may feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in some settings although the first meeting usually is stressful no matter what.

but keep looking. I eventually found a group of professional women. That was great b/c it circumvented the whole "guy hitting on me" worries.

And the socioeconomic groups matter too, NOT b/c of inherent snobbism on my end (though i think I have a streak of it).

But mostly b/c I had a lot to lose if my problem wasn't solved. There were folks there who already had lost everything, or never had anything to start with. They frightened me, or tried to glom onto me, or they got me thinking that I was above them. So I kept searching.

I can see how your profession would make certain groups (court ordered?)

less appealing. But I have a strong feeling there are 12 step groups FOR YOUR profession...

there are many groups for L's that's for sure.

They are anonymous and you are not doing anything illegal anyhow, so don't fret that it'll hurt your career.

Plus If you are successful in the program, that's all anyone cares about.

It took me a long time to trust that I could get help without being damaged professionally. I figured the risk of damaging my career was actually a lot higher if I didn't get help though...

IMO, the people I know who've gone through 12 step programs have the most integrity of any group I know. They are calm, reasonable, fair and honest.

a good 12 step program is a LOT like good DBing...personal accountability, letting go of what we cannot control, but controlling ourselves and how we act.