And THAT, 25, brings me back to the aforementioned paradox and the issue that when the WAS has their own place and distance between you - change is hard to observe, quantify and react to.
To your other points - yeah, I did not intially take a deep look into what my role was. Well, scratch that - I DID, but I did so in a very defensive manner which completely negates my W's view of things. I can now say that I don't agree with everything she said about the M, but I can SURELY see how she can maintain that view and how my actions got her there. Now I just need to figure out how to reverse.
I had stated earlier that I do OK with my anxiety so long as I don't hear from W's L. Well, got an e-mail from him today. It had been so quiet that I was almost duped into thinking that maybe, just maybe - she tapped the brakes a little. I guess not.
The e-mail went on to claim an amount of child support she was requesting, further challenge custody (plan vs. plan), and ask for a MASSIVE amount of money for W's legal fees. It also went on to state that I was not helping provide for common expenses with our S. The only example cited? I did not give her $16 for a bed rail that she had to purchase. That clearly looks past the mattress and box spring that I bought for her to solve the "bed" problem, all of the cold weather clothes I have purchased, the daycare expense that I pay - and so on. I do not like being positioned as a delinquent father - nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing. And over a $32 bed rail where I would have owed $16?? I also received a notification that she had not been paying the condo fee for her old condo that is now a rental property (upside down on it) since September. Both of our names are on it.
I feel like I have been kind, accommodating, calm, positive - I've been giving her space and time and not crowding - and then I get smacked in the face with this. My first instinct is to send a WTF text - but I know that is not the right thing. I feel a lot like I am being backed into a corner and I am giving love and respect to someone that is throwing a lawyer at me without regard. How do I keep this up? How do I respond? How do I not let anger get the best of me? How do I work to save my marriage when this is where my W is?? On the one hand she asks me to send pictures of the baby and let her know how he is doing, and on the other her L implies that I am not helping with expenses over $16.
25? Sandi2? Mach1? Anyone? I am in need of what to do here. Do I try to handle with W or just never breath a word to her about it and keep the positive face going?? I am really hurt and angry tonight. With all she could be asking for I could lose the house and a lot more. I own my responsibility in this, but I don't feel like I deserve to have a hammer fall on me this hard.
How do I draw a line of distinction between my wife and her lawyer? IS there a line of distinction? Is she directing him or is he directing her??
I need help, guidance and support on this one. This was a terrible day.
I've been there Crimson, and it hurts like hell for someone you love to go after you legally and financially the way they do. But they do. It's a hard reality. My advice is to work like hell to make Crimson a stronger and better man, no matter what...especially regardless of the bad [censored] that's possible from here on out. And I wouldn't say a damn thing to her regarding the legal proceedings...not now and not later, no matter how bad it might get. Remember you are never going to talk your way out of something you have acted your way into. Nothing you SAY right now will matter too much to her. When you see her, try to NOT think about what she is doing TO you.
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks, Antlers. I have worked so hard and sacrificed to build a decent financial platform for my family - the three of us. It was done out of love, done out of a desire to give my family a good life. And now it seems as though it is about to come crashing down. Everything that I tried to do - despite some of the shortcomings that I had - is blowing up in my face. And it seems like W is throwing the grenades. Or her lawyer - hell, I don't know how to tell the difference anymore.
I realized after I got that letter today that I am having a difficult time finding love, patience and compassion while in the midst of what clearly is an adversarial relationship that I don't want.
HOW DO YOU DB WITH A LAWYER COMING AFTER YOU?!?!? How do you remain civil when the L says "I understand 'Crimson' is not helping with expenses for S" when that is a blatant lie?
Again - I am going to need a lot of help here. How to handle W?? How to maintain DB principles in this? It is DAMN hard to swallow emotions on this. And her going to this length clearly indicates that she has no particular desire to ask if this is even the right course to take or reconsider. Help.....just, help!
You can't 'handle' your wife right now. Understand that. The only control you have is over you. Exercise the control you DO have, and that's over you, your actions, and your reactions. Ask God to give you strength, guidance, and determination...determination to survive whatever happens. You need to drop that rope...it's tied to a 747 on the other end and you can not stop it. Let the rope go, and take care of Crimson. This is very adversarial...that's what often happens. It's a war. She knows you don't want this, believe me. So don't beg, plead, or do any of that other crap that makes them despise you. It's hard man, it hurts, but it's as real as anything you'll ever deal with in life. Do your best, and don't assume anything. Put forth effort to be stronger now than you've ever been. Don't lash out. When you see her, try to NOT think about what she is doing TO you. You have to get to the point where you value and respect yourself enough to let go of people who don't value or respect you.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Sorry - looks like I am heading for a rant tonight.
Tonight is about the closest I've come to just giving up. It seems clear that she has no desire to put a stop to any of this at all right now - it's full speed ahead for her. How do I work against that? I feel like I keep turning the other cheek and smile and remain gracious during adversity and it has gotten me nowhere. She hasn't budged. I know the results here are not overnight, but it is SO discouraging when you get confirmation that your W is coming at you full speed with an Atty.
I honestly do not know what to do right now....and to think I started off the day thinking that we were doing "OK" with a cordial text exchange. Sheez - I am an idiot.
has anyone ever yanked this debacle off the cliff after it had progressed this far?? Like I said, I am on the verge of just throwing in the towel. Maybe it was a bad day and I will feel better tomorrow - but the situation seems as hopeless as she does heartless right now.
Thanks for understanding, Antlers. I appreciate it. I guess I just wasn't prepared for the kick in the stomach tonight. Somehow I drifted into the dreamy ideal that she was pulling the lawyer back a bit. I won't fall down that hole again. I just don't know what to do right now.
My parents are here and there input was that I need to accept that she deceived us all and is not a nice person because I nice person wouldn't do this to someone.
They mean well but I think they want me to match adversarial tactic to adversarial tactic. But where does that get me of my goal is to have my family together again?
