What else could I have done?

[Rick1963]

You know I deal with kids all day many like your D. I know that many do stuff like your D because of what is happening at home others because they like to commit crimes and others because they are trully mentally I'll and do not know better. I meet with ljudges and prosecutors every day. They use the law but do not know what can help these kids. they get frustrated and put them in residential programs. The problem Is that once they finish they go back home to where the problem remains . Your W will hurt your D's future if she continues to spew venom about you. Chances are that she will see the truth in time as long as you are the best dad ever. I see it all the teime been doing this for 20 years.Be strong for the kids and take the high rd when it comes to them.As you did today in court. That took balls.

[Rick1963]

Ps can't see well with my iphOne so sorry for the grammar y

[antlers]

That took balls.

I appreciate that. It was the closest that I'd been to her, proximity wise, in over 2 years. It was tough, but I'm glad I did it. I've had some struggles recently after finding out about her new 'soulmate' because I still felt an emotional connection to her, and I'm trying to overcome that. We've had about 6 months of pleasant texts between us prior to her getting involved in a committed relationship. But after being in court the other day, I no longer saw her as a superhero, an angel, or a princess who could do no wrong and hung the moon! In other words...I took down the bronze statue of her that I had placed on a golden pedestal in my mind. I still feel bad that I treated her like I did during the marriage, but my behavior truly was reflective of how I felt about myself instead of how I felt about her. But she was still on the receiving end. I know that God has forgiven me, and after 3 years of beating myself up so bad I was truly able to forgive myself too. She doesn't forgive me to this day. I am now at peace with God regarding the past. I'd like to be at peace with the past itself.

[Coyote]

I'm glad you went too, shows steadiness and character despite what's been thrown at you. They may have ignored you but they'll be thinking about this. Keep it up.

[antlers]

I just want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through with your D. She does sound brainwashed. This anger she has, this venom she spews Id on't think are indicative of her true feelings for you as her father. She may also be looking for someone to blame for her mother never being happy, which I am sure had an impact on her.

Hang in there. I know my child problems are small compared to yours, but my heart really and truly goes out to you.

Thank you. Things were OK with she and I until I voiced my concern to her mom recently about some of the things my daughter was doing. Her mom told her what I'd said and that made her mad. Her older sis and her mom also had plenty to say to me in that awful text, they just did it through my daughter. She'd told me many times since her mom left that she forgave me for my wrongdoings and that she loved me. There were lots of times that her mom was happy, but she rewrote the marital history so that all good times were erased. I do think that a parent trying to poison their own child against the other parent, as my daughter has admitted that her mother did for over 18 months, is a pretty evil thing to do. Since her awful text, I still text her about once a week to let her know I'm thinking of her, even though I get no response from her.

[antlers]

I'm glad you went too, shows steadiness and character despite what's been thrown at you. They may have ignored you but they'll be thinking about this. Keep it up.

Thanks. I intend to be at the next court appearance too. Sure was hard though, seeing her mom for the first time in 2 years and being that close. A complete stranger would have had more regard gor me. Hard to imagine the change in her compared to how she once was with me.
I only made the firm commitment to really let go and move on the end of October, soits only been about 6 weeks. It's hard and painful, but I reallly want to,

[Rick1963]

From my previous experience your W will always think of you. I always wonder how she was and what she was doing. Especially if you have kids it never goes away. I was not with her long so I magine if your are with one person for a long time those thoughts and feelings are stronger. The heart can be a pretty cruel organ.

[antlers]

I've spent the last 3 years holding on to a past that's been a painful reminder of who I was, what I did to others or what others did to me. That past doesn't define me, and it shouldn't ruin my present or my future. I am sick to death of hurting. I was reminded today in a text from my ex MIL that "actually exW is not hurting about yall's marriage anymore. Its over.  She has moved on with her life. I would encourage you to do the same." It stung.
She had sent me some Bible verses earlier today and I responded with "God also said "I hate divorce"..., and Jesus preached against adultery. There was infidelity involved on exW's part. Y'all were lied to just like the kids and I were lied to. That doesn't diminish what I did. I know exW was hurt, and still hurts. I've been apologizing for over 3 years. Maybe that's not enough to address the hurt and the pain that I caused her. But what more could I have done...other than not screw up in the first place? I'd take it all back if I could.  I had true remorse, I apologized, I asked for forgiveness, I did all I could to atone. I went to a Love Without Hurt Bootcamp, I took a Compassionate Parenting course, and I went to counseling. And I changed for the better. I am not the same person I was in that relationship. My behavior truly was reflective of how I felt about myself, instead of how I felt about her. I'm sorry she still hurts...I remember each and every thing that she remembers....and I'm deeply sorry that I hurt her.  I was wrong. Plain and simple. But I did love her. 
And I never cheated. Never. And I know our family was wounded, but it was salvageable. I did not end our family. She did."
My exMIL responded to that with the previous text.

[SunFunOne]

I'm sorry that you are still hurting. As an outsider - I don't think that text from your ex MIL is nasty at all. She also wants you to stop hurting.

It is good that you acknowledge and accept responsibility for what you did that caused problems in your marriage. None of us is without some fault. But your wife also had the right to decide to stay with the marriage or to leave.

And although infidelity is terrible - do you really want to rub it in her mother's face? That is not fair to her at all. She knows - but it was not her who did it - it was your ex wife.

Are you still in counselling? Sometimes we benefit from it for a while then plateau but after a time - it is good to revisit it as new things crop up. The holidays often bring out some of the emotion, regret and sorrow to us and some professional help is the right way to go.

It is time to let go. Forgive her for her wrongs just as you expected her to forgive you, yours. And accept that she has moved on.

You are moving through the stages of grief. Anger, hurt, disbelief, sorrow. Eventually you need to reach acceptance. And a counselor can help you get there.

The good news is that you are moving through the stages. Movement is better than being stuck.

Again, I'm sorry that you are hurting and I hope you can find some ways to help you focus on some of the joys of the holidays.

Barb

[antlers]

Barb, I did respond to that last text from my exMIL. She supported her daughter in trying to take my kids away from me. And while I was trying to save my marriage and my family, my exW was bangin' my sons basketball coach. And her deceit and lies were placing ALL of the blame on just me. And she was happy for ALL of the blame to be placed on me. Here's my response...
"Well, last month she texted me telling me many hurtful things she experienced with me. Her hurt is still there regardless. And I feel bad for it. She now says she "hates" me to this day. Are these things evidence of "she has moved on"? And for the previous 6 months we were pleasantly and jokingly communicating with each other, until she again got involved with Steve. Then it stopped. She has also revised our marital history somewhat - she now cannot remember any good things about our 17 years of marriage. Remember, she chose me to be the father of her children. There must have been some good for her to choose me for this most important role. There is a lot of truth in her description of our relationship. (Plus she also started another affair that I believe in my heart also helped her make the decision to give up and leave). And she was more than willing to let me take ALL of the blame for our demise, which I did for a long time. It hurt me that you supported her decision to try and take my kids away. That wasn't very Christ-like. And she knows that I love her unconditionally even if she doesn't want to be with me anymore. That's the best way to make it clear that I'm sincere. If I had it to do over again, I’d choose her. Again. 
If I could go back to any point in my life with the experience and knowledge I have now, I'd go back and prove my love to her every day, from the very first time she professed her love for me."
I do appreciate your post Barb. Thank you. It is food for thought.