Today was rough. We had a MC appointment...(the most we've talked in 3 days) We discussed how he can be more comfortable in the house. I said that I didn't like seeing him so angry and I DO want him to be able to 'get away' so he can be with his thoughts. I remember having the same 'scratching at the wall' feeling when I left for my week alone a few years ago... it's not comfortable. We discussed some options and he decided that he will start to look around for a temporary solution (since we can't make long term plans until he gets his next orders) such as housesitting for someone on a deployment, or staying with a friend. Then the talk went to finances and how he's stressing about not being able to provide for 2 households (of course, my first reaction is to say "or you could just change your mind and we wouldn't have these problems"... but I remained silent) This led to talking about me needing to get a job. I'm not opposed to it at all, I have a BAS in Elementary Education- but I need to take some classes/tests to renew my certificate. It was hard to listen to him say that I need to start thinking about how Im going to provide for myself (implying when I'm single)... this is when the panic attack started. I was able to hold it all in, but our C could see that I was struggling. His comment wasn't mean- it just gave me another reality check that his mind is still focused on the path to D. Everything I've read on other people's posts, and all the books I've read- say that I NEED to plan for MY future. Do my own thing. Get a job, get a hobby... GAL!! Even though my brain knows this is the right thing to do....my heart is not there yet. I feel like if I get a job, then I am giving into my fate.
The C said that noticed how receptive/quiet I was (since this was not my usual response) I guess my 180 of 'really listen and don't make it about me' is working My H made the comment: 'We've come a long way'. Even though I know he intended it to be a positive statement... it set something off in me. I really wanted to retaliate with "for what?! we've come a long way just for us to get a D?! That seems like a waste!" but again, I was able to stay quiet.
The problem was that by keeping all my thoughts and feelings inside, I was fueling my panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and my heart started racing (my heart monitor went off and my H knew what that meant, so he got a worried look and gestured for me to breath deep) It was kinda funny, because our C had no clue what was happening, and she asked us 'what just happened between you two? It's like you have an unspoken language' Our time was up and I couldn't get to my car fast enough, before the full onslaught of panic took over. I had to sit in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before I could breath/see enough to drive. My H didn't see any of this because his car was in another part of the lot and he had driven away. I usually deal with these panics by going to my room alone until it passes, this was the first one he had been around, I wasn't proud that he saw how much I'm still in pain. I've been really trying to be strong and 'act happy' in front of him.
I want to still DB, but actually talking to him and seeing how much he's still set on a D, is really tough to take.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
My H made the comment: 'We've come a long way'. Even though I know he intended it to be a positive statement... it set something off in me. I really wanted to retaliate with "for what?! we've come a long way just for us to get a D?! That seems like a waste!" but again, I was able to stay quiet. 
