PA - Confirmed - Blinkers are off.

[25yearsmlc]

Regarding "dumb things" we do, and mistakes we make in these circumstances....every positive action you take outweighs by at least ten times each mistake you make. And believe me, positive actions in these situations are about YOU! Do things for YOU!
Nothing you say to them will matter much at all...actions speak louder than anything, so STFU! Make better decisions...that means to drop that load that you have absolutely no control over, and start genuinely taking care of you and your needs. Talking doesn't mean sh!t anymore. You acted your way into this crap, and you have to act (actions) your way out of it. Even if the marriage doesn't survive, this is something you still must do to move forward. You gotta do it if things are ever gonnna work out with the marriage, and you gotta do it if they don't! So it's a win-win situation....DO IT.

This is so very true!! I have found that my H pretty much hears nothing that I say any longer, I have had to repeat myself (at his request) quite a few times. I keep thinking "i already told you this" ----Actions absolutely do speak louder, that goes for us and them.

Peter,

learn to be quiet. You are far more concerned with being "right" than staying married.

When you talked about an "outright lie" I assumed a much bigger deal than her implying or saying she was going to work but instead went to NYC and got a ticket.

In the grand scheme of things, is that such a big deal? The woman is with your 9 y/o d A LOT, per you...she needs a break.

As for the money, retainers get paid somehow and at least she's using her money for it. You seemed to say she wasn't but the truth is she is using ALL her money and then some from the household expenses...like all spouses who don't earn enough must do. Is she supposed to steal it from a bank?

The comment about your parent's contribution for the girls could have been a one line sentence. But only if you think that issue (giving each person credit and scorekeeping) is crucial at THIS TIME in your marriage. Is it really?


One thing the priest who married us said was:

"Of course you should not deceive in your marriage. BUT NEITHER should you give your spouse a reason to deceive by over reacting.

If your h dents the car and you lecture & chew him out, then the next time he gets in a fender bender he might not want to share that with you b/c you are over reacting to his mistake..."

Peter, when you lose that parental voice of yours, your w MIGHT start to hear her own inner voice

but for now, you are drowning that out with condemnation and judgement and basically, you are just too angry.

Do you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth or not?

[Still learning]

Actions, yes! And sometimes it's what you DON'T do. One of the hardest things in our situations can be staying calm and in the moment.

[NYCPeter]

every positive action you take outweighs by at least ten times each mistake you make.

I've got to say - it doesn't feel that way, unless I am making 10 times more mistakes than positive actions.

learn to be quiet. You are far more concerned with being "right" than staying married.

Am I not to voice my opinion when I think W has done something inappropriate?

In the grand scheme of things, is that such a big deal? The woman is with your 9 y/o d A LOT, per you...she needs a break.

Yes - point taken, but why be secretive about it.

like all spouses who don't earn enough must do. Is she supposed to steal it from a bank?

She has over $100k in pre-marital accounts, I think it's unfair that all of my money is accounted for, but she feels the need to hide money from me. All pre-marital funds I had were either absorbed into a joint account early on, put down as a deposit for our house or in an IRA.

Peter, when you lose that parental voice of yours, your w MIGHT start to hear her own inner voice

Point taken - it does sound like a parent scolding. God I feel like I've wasted the last few months, I have worked on myself but keep backsliding, and the backsliding pushes her more to D.

If I was giving myself a score - it would be a D, I need to be an A if this is going to have any chance. I fear it's too late.

[25yearsmlc]

every positive action you take outweighs by at least ten times each mistake you make.

I've got to say - it doesn't feel that way, unless I am making 10 times more mistakes than positive actions.

learn to be quiet. You are far more concerned with being "right" than staying married.

Am I not to voice my opinion when I think W has done something inappropriate?


Wow...this^^^ says it all. um, NO you do NOT HAVE to correct her or say a damn thing when YOU think she has "done something inappropriate".

there are literally a dozen things my h does every week that I think are "inappropriate" but I choose not to whine about them.

If they are deal breakers, I bring them up & we resolve them. If they are merely annoying, I tell him perhaps twice, to make sure he hears me. Once I've done that, I let it go if it happens again.

After all, HE knows what bothers me, and if it's not a dealbreaker I learn to shut up and hold my tongue and hope I can cope better or that enough positive affirmation when he does what I love, can help. But if it is not a dealbreaker

I let it go. I find that most things are NOT dealbreakers and ought to be let go. Sort of "don't sweat the small stuff" and most stuff is small.

Peter. Pick your battles...

In the grand scheme of things, is that such a big deal? The woman is with your 9 y/o d A LOT, per you...she needs a break.

Yes - point taken, but why be secretive about it.

let me guess....B/c of how YOU react?

like all spouses who don't earn enough must do. Is she supposed to steal it from a bank?

She has over $100k in pre-marital accounts, I think it's unfair that all of my money is accounted for, but she feels the need to hide money from me. All pre-marital funds I had were either absorbed into a joint account early on, put down as a deposit for our house or in an IRA.

Don't mind read but keep track of that and get it back if the time comes

Peter, when you lose that parental voice of yours, your w MIGHT start to hear her own inner voice

Point taken - it does sound like a parent scolding. God I feel like I've wasted the last few months, I have worked on myself but keep backsliding, and the backsliding pushes her more to D.

If I was giving myself a score - it would be a D, I need to be an A if this is going to have any chance. I fear it's too late.

pfooofth....

I don't believe in "too late" til she is married to someone else.

[NYCPeter]

So how much does one have to put up with??

I just saw a gas station transaction through our joint account - at the gas station across from OM's apartment today - I guess A with OM is not over.

[25yearsmlc]

So how much does one have to put up with??


more than you ever thought you would put up with. Some of your former concepts of dealbreakers were not well founded and it's a hard line to draw anyhow...so

Deal with it Peter...sorry but that's how it is. You are already backing off today's earlier insights...why? B/C they are hard on the ego?? (I'm sincerely asking)


You have not been here long and she had some legit gripes to begin with. So back to YOU and your own work in your own sandbox. How is that going?


I just saw a gas station transaction through our joint account - at the gas station across from OM's apartment today - I guess A with OM is not over.

THAT is proof to you of an affair continuing? OMG...

thank God you are not a judge in my courtroom..my clients would all be jailed for life or dead.

[sandi2]

That was 4 1/2 years ago. Today we are reconciled, and have celebrated the birth of our first grandchild, our 50th birthdays, and our 25th wedding anniversary.

Things change; don't lose hope.

Starsky

[NYCPeter]

THAT is proof to you of an affair continuing? OMG...

thank God you are not a judge in my courtroom..my clients would all be jailed for life or dead.

That's why everyone said - don't snoop, the more you find out the more you think the worst.

He lives a couple of towns over - and then of course I realized my D9 had a doctor's appt in that town today - so I'm glad I'm not a judge in your courtroom.

[antlers]

every positive action you take outweighs by at least ten times each mistake you make.

I've got to say - it doesn't feel that way, unless I am making 10 times more mistakes than positive actions.

It may not "feel that way" but in the grand scheme of things it's true. We are much harder on ourselves when we make mistakes than we are on others when they make mistakes.

[NYCPeter]

Journaling.

I spent Weds night in the city had a couple of drinks with friends as there was no soccer this week.

Came home last night - W was distant and cold, not much interaction - I kept myself to myself and she watched her TV shows.

I had today off work a I had a Dr's appt and to finish Xmas shopping, W decided to work a double shift (seems she does this whenever I am around - I guess it's a way of avoiding me.

W has stopped wearing her wedding / engagement rings again - oh well, I notice but say nothing.

D6's b'day tomorrow - guess i'll need to change to D7
It's great to see her so excited. D9's b'day is on the 24th - I always feel bad that their b'days are so close to Xmas.

Although she has paid the L's retainer - I've checked the on-line county court system and nothing has been filed, as per our friend, she is likely waiting until Jan.