DB'ing is soooo hard!

[25yearsmlc]

Rick

elsewhere you asked about dating. You said you are sure you want your m to work out. You also said it felt good to know that another person cared and I think you mean it feels good to know OWs find you attractive.

I get that. You are lonely and needy.

But you have a goal in mind AND your w has some real problems she's getting help for. She feels pretty bad about herself. I cannot see how dating OWs in your situation would be a good idea at this point GIVEN the above.

My W is going through a huge crisis and breakdown. I won't go into the details of what lead to this major crisis as I have outlined them in previous posts, but know that she has major childhood trauma in her life that is erupting in a big way now and she is doing her best to face it yet still completely controlled by it. Her leaving me but still living together is where the DB'ing comes into play.

She's like an unpredictable tide that come in and out, but you don't know when or how big of a tide or what state it will be in. I'm not a psychiatrist nor do I have any training in this so it is very hard to know what to do, all the while DB'ing because of our living together separated status. I am just letting her be, do whatever she needs to do, and quietly there for her, all the while GAL, DB'ing, raising three sons, running a real estate company, writing a novel collaborating with a girl in London with a publishing deadline, am part of an amazing yoga group.

rick your life sounds like it did before and that's fine. But you almost seemed to be complaining here, as if your life is worse b/c of your w---and I know you are hurt but--what is happening here ^^^ that would not happen with or without your w? Other than feeling rejected, which I'm not making light of, how is your life worse for this?

true-As a father your sons are hurt and bothered and I get that. But practically speaking you are pretty much going ahead and living your life the same as before, right? Did I misread this?

Maybe you are counting your blessings. I could not tell...just curious.


When my W talks to me she can literally experience an amazing range of emotions in one sentence - kind of like the four seasons all at once. She's been in suicide phase through this, escapism, depression, euphoria, rage, you name it.

Today she said that I should find someone else because she is no good to anybody anymore, that she has lost everything.

the OM is probably out of the picture and she thinks she's done too much damage to your m to "come home."

Your stability is crucial now more than ever. Being light hearted around her will demonstrate that ALL IS NOT LOST...you two CAN come back from this. Maybe rent a comedy, or do/see something she enjoys. Nothing heavy. Get her endorphins up. A back massage with no strings attached? Laughing, playing a game with sons, bowling--whatever SHE loves doing.


I told her not to worry about me, that I know what I am doing, and that she should keep working on herself right now. I said that's she's lost right now but she has not lost anything. From a DB point of view I think I played it pretty cool, but still showing support.



Spend more time listening and less time correcting her perceptions...do you get that?

Men tend to think when we women express pain, we must want it fixed. Usually we do not. We want to express our emotions and then process them and this is how we do it. If I say "I feel sad b/c I gained 10 lbs and feel fat and dread seeing my old friends" and you say "Don't feel bad b/c you look fine", you have also just told me I don't have the right to feel bad b/c I should not and that the topic doesn't even warrant more discussion.

See, that can feel like you are telling us what to feel, which does nothing to change how we feel so in effect our feelings are dismissed and the topic gets changed. In a way you never meant, it's the net effect of saying "Shut up, you are wrong"...

I hope you can understand what I'm saying and not get defensive. It's an observation about your situation and your w and your desire to control things so much...I may be repeating myself but you know, it's fine to ask her what she needs from you.

"How can I help?" Instead of denying what she just finished saying...


I thought about whether her knowing from me that she has not lost anything may not be the best DB approach but this stuff happens at light speed and I'm responding to her wild swinging emotions at the time.

well you are human and that's fine. But I would say you need to listen a whole lot more and not worry so much about correcting her perceptions. Her doctor is there for that. Also, are her suicidal ideations being reported to him or are those old feelings?

Have you read 9lives thread? His wife took her life. Check his thread out sometime.

On one hand maybe the fear of losing everything may be the impetus for her to work her way back to me and family, but on the other hand she was so incredibly down that I didn't want her to feel like she blew it all.

it won't motivate her, it'll overwhelm her.

Make sure the road home is paved and smooth. Make sure she is getting the help she needs.

Did you watch the Marilyn Monroe movie? (See it but Do not take your wife to see it, imo)

good luck Rick

and btw, don't do any dating soon. Your w sounds unstable to me.

SIDENOTE

did anyone ever confront the cousin? Does he say it's all innocent and that he was simply a shoulder for her to cry on?

I bet that is how it started. He seemed safe in part b/c of his youth.

Innocent, idealistic and not capable of using someone...(in her eyes that is)

Again, hang in there!