DB'ing is soooo hard!

[25yearsmlc]

Question for the DB vets (25yrs for example).

I understand that your DB'ing and sitch took years before a R happened. While you were detaching and GAL, and time was marching forward did you ever have someone express interest in a romantic relationship with you?

YES. Seemed once word got out that I was "on the market", a number of men showed interest.

How did it make you feel?

it flattered me and reassured me. I realized I would not be "alone" if I were to divorce.

How did you handle it, not knowing whether your WAS would ever return to you?


once I filed for a sep (w/support of my DB coach and MC -long story there)

AND after I saw that h was dating, I began to say "yes" to a few of the men who had asked. Nope, I didn't sleep with anyone. Yes it crossed my mind on occasion.

It's crucial to remember this - b/c I see others always assuming a r turns totally physical but its not necessarily true. For instance, I was very attracted to this one particular OM but did not sleep with him. I wanted to, sort of.
But I knew I wasn't ready. For one, there were weird things about it b/c I had been with only one man for so long, that I felt nervous and had some insecurities about things like "how to" with someone new, and stretch marks from being pregnant. Funny what enters our minds at moments like that.

I was completely honest with both men I "dated". One guy I went out with just twice but I liked him a lot as a friend. Very funny and smart but zero chemistry. Anyhow, I said the truth, that I was sep and that I had "some hopes" for a recon but was also "open to the single life" as well.

Mostly, the men I met were perfectly fine, but made me realize that h was in fact a good choice of partner for me. For one, some of the guys had big downsides to them (like they had no money but seemed interested in mine, OR they didn't see their kids much at all, which freaked me out. OR they bad mouthed their ex wives with such bitterness I was super turned off. They were definitely not the types of men I would bring into my life.

Also I never let anyone meet my kids. I listened to my mc who advised that, "only when you are 3/4 sure you want something long lasting, do you even introduce the kids to OM, and THEN the kids retain veto power".

OTOH, my h had some forgotten upsides. OMs at work made me realize how well suited h and I are for each other. For instance, H is well educated, smart and not threatened by me being smart too, ( I had forgotten that some men cannot handle a woman with more schooling or brains.)
H and I also have similar senses of humor and a lot of history.

For every exciting aspect of a new person, I found a downside to the lack of history with them, and an upside to having a partner who "gets" you. Of course, OMs would have been more appealing if h were still complaining and belittling and acting nutty in his MLC way. But by the time I began to date he had started to act a bit more rational. Selfish yes, but not so weird.


One guy who asked me out didn't know much about current events, or anything outside of his narrow work So yeah, that made h look better in comparison. ALSO a lot of men my age are not in good shape and h is. That makes a difference too.

However, I met one man I could see a future with who was very attractive. I slowed it down some b/c I was still on the fence with h. And in truth there was an obstacle with OM, (his love language and mine did Not match) that I felt would eventually be a dealbreaker for me. I could learn to love him but I would not been loved the way I wanted to be. Or so I feared.

So I backed off...and within a few months H made some moves back towards me. And OM moved on b/c he wanted to find a mate sooner rather than later, not a woman on the fence for long, and I would have been.

I am writing a book with a girl from London and we have a May publishing deadline so we are in constant contact. This is someone I have known as a great friend forever. BTW, she has a WAS too. She caught me off guard and asked if it were possible for us to create a life together. This really caught me off guard because there's never been anything romantic between us.

I am flattered by this. My immediate reaction, and then my more thought out reaction is that I absolutely do not want a life with anyone else, and I want my W to work through her issues, improve myself in what I need to, and hopefully R. I have no emotional doubt about how I feel.

I asked Kelli (London girl) if she really wants her M to work out and she said yes. I told her that I really want mine to work too.

Its nice to know someone cares though.

so you are not confused then? Your first and second reactions are the same. So, what is your real question?

is it "when can I date for real?"

That depends on what you want, AND what you think will happen in your sitch

would dating hurt or help your cause?

(it can go either way. You have to figure it out FIRST, BEFORE you date or involve OW.

E.G., If trust were an issue before, I think dating is a bad idea for the m. Your wife will learn of the dating and if it's someone you work with, you are complicating more than one thing at a crazy time.

Second, If there was an OW in the picture in your marital history, then, dating might be fatal to the chance of reconciling. A wife who felt insecure before, will be GONE and the m will be over...


OTOH, If the WAS is taking you for granted, or has been,

then dating might be helpful b/c when the WAS sees that you are moving on for real, and or that others are interested, they may wake up.

For me, the dating was well hidden from h though I'm sure he knoww I did. It bugged him...a lot. That did not immediately lead to an obvious change.

H once spontaneously volunteered that he had "not slept with anyone else!!" and I said "that's nice, me neither"...

We have left it at that for 5 years. I'm fine with that.

Given that I was pretty darn attracted to an OM, and still did not sleep with him, I choose to believe h could do the same w/any possible OWs.