Wife sent me another text today. It was in regards to our tax return. I guess she had called the IRS for awhile, When I saw last week, I told her that I received a check from the IRS and wasn't sure what for. She caught me up on the sitch (I had no idea) and said she would call again this week. I gave her the check as a reference.
So her text was in regards to if we received another amount way back when. The number sounds familiar but I know that reaching out to me was way easier than checking her checking account (it was joint then).
I'll respond when I'm ready. Probably something like "The amount sounds familiar but I honestly don't remember. If it did happen, there would be a record of it on our joint checking account"
In 3 days, I'll be home and surrounded by my family. I'm very excited for this. 3 wks seems like a long time but I have so much to do. 7 neices/nephews to bond with.
I'm very excited.
I also look forward to getting away from my sitch. I feel like it may be time to go NC for awhile.
I have mentioned it many times, but the increase of positive interaction has taken an emotional toll on me.
JS - You told me not to let best get in the way of better - For the last month I have been applying that to w.
This morning, after a long conversation with my sister, I need to shine that light on me.....
.... and the truth is that I may not be "better" enough to handle this amount of contact as well as the wishy-washyness of it all.
I know that it may be perceived as "typical" waw behavior, but I need to recognize where I am at too in my own growth....
...... and I feel like I am backsliding some. I'm now worrying again about why she is reaching out and her motives and that is influencing my actions and my behaviors.
And I don't want to lose the past 8 months of growth. I don't want my life to circle around her. Although my GAL has been high, my spirit has been kind of low.
... That's me giving control back to my w. I have no problem with the 2 step forwards, 1 step back journey.. but I can't let that become 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
I can't go back to the old Val. I won't go back to the old m.
I feel, in my heart, that the only way my w and I would reconcile is if we both get healthy. I cannot control her, but I must keep going forward
Even though it hurts and I'm scared that moving forward means losing my w FOREVER. It has to be.. because I will no longer live in fear therefore holding me back from being the best Val I can be.
So my hope in going home.. besides GALing the Sh!t out of Christmas with my family.... is to figure out who this best Val is now that the dynamic is shifting.
To try to recognize old patterns with my w and myself, and to face my fears, and have faith that God knows what's best for me.
Time to go drop off those presents!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"I'll respond when I'm ready. Probably something like "The amount sounds familiar but I honestly don't remember. If it did happen, there would be a record of it on our joint checking account"
Val I would leave it at "it sounds familiar but I don't remember". let her figure it out. This weekend the meltdown I had started with me letting W know that she needs 3 years of bank statements not the last 3 statements. It snowed balled from there. We need them to figure things on their own and deal with the consequences. I know it is hard because we care. But every time I try to fix or point something out it back fires. ((()))
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hey Val, I definetely identified with your fear of moving forward because it may mean losing your w forever ( i think most of us do).
What I am beginning to realize is that the only thing that is worse than moving forward without your spouse is living this nightmare in limbo land.
I know it is frustrating when you feel like you are taking steps in the wrong direction, but I think as long as you are learning a lesson from each step that you take and you don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over again than you are continuing to evolve and before you know it you will be taking fewer and fewer steps backwards.
I hope that you have an amazing time with your family over the holidays!
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
I cannot control her, but I must keep going forward
Even though it hurts and I'm scared that moving forward means losing my w FOREVER. It has to be.. because I will no longer live in fear therefore holding me back from being the best Val I can be.
Those realizations are 'key' in you being a better and stronger person no matter what! Good for you for understanding these things.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Val, you are right I did post don’t let best get in the way of better. As we strive to improve our situations we often lose sight of the baby steps along the way. We want so much to end this journey in the light that we fixate on the best possible outcome.
The thing is we will not get there without change, and real change, sustainable change happens slowly often in steps, each step being better than the last. To sustain the effort we need to recognize the baby steps as they occur and not discount them as not good enough. They are components of continuous improvement.
If the contact you have had is not helping you, then it is no longer better, than the lack of contact. It seems it was worse, and I am truly sorry for that.
Do what is good for you. Do what is healthy for you. Do what works.
Quote:
I feel, in my heart, that the only way my w and I would reconcile is if we both get healthy. I cannot control her, but I must keep going forward
Even though it hurts and I'm scared that moving forward means losing my w FOREVER. It has to be.. because I will no longer live in fear therefore holding me back from being the best Val I can be.
So my hope in going home.. besides GALing the Sh!t out of Christmas with my family.... is to figure out who this best Val is now that the dynamic is shifting.
To try to recognize old patterns with my w and myself, and to face my fears, and have faith that God knows what's best for me.
This then is an epiphany and a plan. Execute it, use it to heal, to be stronger. Recognize the small positives and use them as building blocks.
Along life’s journey I have done some masonry. The house I sit in now has a foundation built by my hands. When a block didn’t fit it was chipped, chiseled or sawn to fit and if it could not be or it shattered another took its place. The blocks were the small positives, the foundation was a step, the house was the goal.
((((Val))))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I understand your hurt and frustration that your W didn't help out after all (or even text you that she wasn't going to make it), but honestly, I'm not surprised. WAS' seem to be very unpredictable by nature. Also, the idea of engaging in this close kind of activity with you after months of limited contact might have scared her. She's scared of you, she's scared of themselves...and running's the easiest thing she knows.
I wouldn't mention anything about that to your W unless she mentions it. Even if she does, I wouldn't say anything about your anger. Don't even let on that it bothered you; just let her know you had a fantastic time regardless. Nothing shakes up a WAS more than realizing that their LBS doesn't need them to feel good anymore...and may have actually had a better time without them.
Great job on not reaching out to your W during your turbulent emotions. Very smart move. I know it was tough, but you did the right thing.
Something closer to NC might be best for the both of you. It lets you live your life instead of hanging onto flimsy hopes every day. I know that you fear that you may lose your W in doing so, but if your W really wants back in, she will learn to pursue persistently after your dynamics have changed enough.
I know it is frustrating when you feel like you are taking steps in the wrong direction, but I think as long as you are learning a lesson from each step that you take and you don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over again than you are continuing to evolve and before you know it you will be taking fewer and fewer steps backwards.
This is very well said Sunshine and something my mom reminded me of this morning. The old Val wouldn't have known I was backsliding or wouldn't have seen that I was starting to make decisions based off of W's opinions again. Baby steps.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
If the contact you have had is not helping you, then it is no longer better, than the lack of contact. It seems it was worse, and I am truly sorry for that.
Do what is good for you. Do what is healthy for you. Do what works.
No need to apologize JS. The advice was wise then and still wise now. I just need to figure out what that means for me. Right now I feel like I'm a kid in the ocean who is struggling in 4 ft of water. If I can just get my footing, I'll be alright.
Originally Posted By: westcoastfella
I wouldn't mention anything about that to your W unless she mentions it. Even if she does, I wouldn't say anything about your anger. Don't even let on that it bothered you; just let her know you had a fantastic time regardless. Nothing shakes up a WAS more than realizing that their LBS doesn't need them to feel good anymore...and may have actually had a better time without them.
Well said. I won't say anything to her. I may not be able to stop my rollercoaster yet, but I don't show it to her
Great job on not reaching out to your W during your turbulent emotions. Very smart move. I know it was tough, but you did the right thing.
Thank you!
Something closer to NC might be best for the both of you. It lets you live your life instead of hanging onto flimsy hopes every day. I know that you fear that you may lose your W in doing so, but if your W really wants back in, she will learn to pursue persistently after your dynamics have changed enough.
Yes.. I need to remember this!
So I took the presents to the organization yesterday. I listened to Christmas music the whole ride there.
When I arrived - the woman who I coordinated with, looked at the presents... got misty eyed, and hugged me. He!!, she practically jumped into my arms. I felt myself getting emotional and hugged her back.
In the moment I didn't think of w.. I thought of those kids. I smiled from ear to ear and walked out thinking.. that definitely hit "One of the best moments in my life" list.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
That last bit is what GAL-ing is all about. Once you can appreciate things in the moment apart from your WAS...oh, it tastes so sweet. Once you realize that you truly can be happy without the need for anybody else to complete you, you are filled with a new kind of happiness -- a self-fulfilling one.
I'm feeling a little...I guess... weird. I don't really know how to explain it because I'm not really sure what it is. I don't think that I have felt it before.
I'm not even sure if it will last.
Last night there was a Christmas party for my Church community. I went over early to touch base with my pastor. He's my age and although we don't talk too much. I really enjoy the time spent with him.
He has helped me deal with the abusive aspects of my relationship with my w. He has helped me realize that I am worth something and how unhealthy it was for me to have all my self-worth wrapped up in one person's opinion of me.
We talked about the increase of w's interactions. He mentioned about how w has always controlled me and now that I'm breaking free, she feels like she is losing control.
Not making her out to be a bad person, but this is how our dynamic has always been... and now I'm actively changing it.
He brings up valid points.
He agreed that I may not be ready to be in her life right now and vice versa.
Anyway, sitting there having a great time and I get a text asking about if I took a certain ornament. I don't remember taking it as I was an emotional wreck the day I cleaned out my stuff from the storage unit.
But reason would be that if it's not in her stuff.. that It was probably put in my ornaments.
When I saw the text, I immediately went back to enjoying the party. I use the word "weird" because usually I look at them and give it more than a 2nd thought, how I should respond, what is the meaning behind her madness.. etc.
This time, I looked, and was... "Eh" and went back to my party. I don't really have a good answer for her question.. but more importantly I didn't really feel like talking to her. Not in a sad or depressing way... but because I was GALing and enjoying life with my church family.
I was laughing and enjoying life and in that moment....my w.. or her text message had no place in what I was doing.
From the Christmas party I went to a bar to have drinks with friends. I'm meeting a ton of new people and really enjoying all the new relationships I am building.
Went home. Put in a Christmas Movie and fell asleep instantly.
Woke up this morning. Usually if I don't respond to a text, I get nervous... that she will think that I was avoiding her or she will use it to not talk to me.
And I won't deny that the fear still exists deep within... but I still don't really want to respond.
Not because I am angry or because I am scared, but I have a life to live....
... and although the fear exists, the will to live my life is stronger. The will to move forward is growing.
... at least for now.
I don't know what is going through w's head right now. Sometimes I'm not sure what is going through mine.
But as weird as it feels, I just want to live life right now. My problems are not over, my struggles with my w not done.. but currently I just want to take time and enjoy all the good things that have come into my life.
I want to focus on where I am heading, not where I have been. Building upon the relationships that I have, vs mourning over ones lost.
Maybe.... just maybe .... I'm starting to get a small taste of detachment.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Wow Val this is very nice!! I was smiling as I was reading this, smiling because you are feeling good, meeting new people and enjoying yourself. This is so wonderful!
