Wife Left (Part 2)

[CO1978]

First off 25 thank you so much for replying and taking your time out to help me. I got to make this quick, got a busy day, will try to post more tonight. Here is a list of things I needed to improve on and some ways I can improve them. As for quitting drinking I haven't yet found a support group that fits into my schedule, but I have cut out things that I associated with drinking. My close friends have been very supportive with helping me through this as well. I also have been going to IC each week to help deal with my issues (alcoholism and depression). I've been on a good exercise routine to at least 5 times a week which is really helping me feel good, and work stress is down a lot from just not working with a guy that I consider a negative aura stress monster. I worked with him for 3 and a half out of the last 4 years, and no longer have to deal with him, that alone feels like a weight off my shoulders. Also I read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz which really helped me take a new outlook on things. I know these changes aren't in stone yet, but the more I apply them every day the more routine they become the more permanent they become.
I will for now on shut my mouth and listen to her and give feedback when asked :P For now on in the mornings when she says she is tired, maybe I should say "Well I know you are probably tired, we can talk another time." That way I don't seem like I'm clinging to conversation or "glossing" over her saying she is tired. Also I will try my best to stop trying to fix everything, and stop helping her out. I am going to continue to strive to be the best father I can be, I am spending more time with S, taking him out, I spent night in Hospital with him and have been taking him to doctors appointments (stuff she always did). I am still looking for a church, something I really want to do.
As for her, she has gone to IC once, and is canceling next appointment because of work. She said she is going to se a specialist for her PTSD. Would she try Retrovaille, I don't know right now, probably not.

• Quit Drinking
[Sober starting November 3rd, 2011]

• Control of Money
*Separate bank accounts
*Do not say “No, we can’t afford it” say “We can look into it, maybe put some money aside and get it after a future pay”
*I am not sole provider, can’t justify buying something for her that is just as expensive or more expensive as her wanting to buy something for herself, S, or all of us.

• Communication
*Actively Listen, Openly Talk about anything and everything
*No more putting up “walls” Is there something wrong? If I am acting like there is something wrong maybe there is, TALK about it regardless
*If she tells me something she has already told me before, let her tell it again, it obviously has meaning to her. “I remember you telling me about that…go on…”
*If she tells me something that I already know about, instead of saying “Yes, I know,” and it being the end of the conversation, say “I read/heard about that…” (and discuss it with her).
*If we disagree on something or have a fight “I see what you mean, I don’t necessarily agree, but I understand.”
*Positive Reinforcement: The answer is NEVER NO! If she is having a bad day, find something good about it. Don’t point out negatives in her work, unless she asks for judgment
*Respect her decisions and opinions / we are equal in decisions *NEVER SAY NO! We can talk about it, and agree on it.
*NEVER ASSUME
*Never take her for granted

• Stop trying to be a perfectionist
*Everybody has their own view of perfection, there is no perfection, don’t expect perfection
*Do set agreements on standards with each other
*Share housework (do it together) so we both know each other’s standards
*ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

• Religion
*“A family that prays together stays together”
*Find a church we both like and agree on and can make it to the services as much as possible
*Family Dinner

• Show her my feelings
*Random small stuff, like nurturing her when she is sick, flowers just because, a note that says “I love you”, ect.
*Reciprocate “I Love You” every time
*Hug and kiss her on hellos and goodbyes, Kiss her and say “Goodnight”
*Appreciate everything she does; don’t point out negatives when she does something for me, Say “Thank You.”
*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month/ once a week even better
*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, ect)
*Get involved with her interests
*Give her the best of you

• NO JELOUSY
*Spend more time with her family, she loves them, I should too

• Become Best Friends
*First one she wants to talk to, first one I want to talk to.
*Activities together or as a family as much as possible.
*Night out just 2 of us at least once a month/ once a week even better
*If she asks to go somewhere with her GO! (Hiking, visit parents/grandparents, park, store, ect)
*Try new stuff (camping, mountain biking, rafting, skiing, play in the snow)
*Get involved with her interests
*Give her the best of you

• “WALKING ON EGGSHELLS”
*How I can help her trust me again:
*Quit drinking: no more nastiness
*No more perfectionist attitude
*Control anger (don’t take things personal, it’s NOT her fault don’t make her feel like it is)
*If I am upset, let her know why!! Don’t push her away
*Accept I am wrong at times (my opinion is not the only opinion), and not be offended by it (don’t take things personal)
*Appreciate everything she does; NEVER point out negatives or what else she could do when she does something for me
*SAY THANK YOU!!!!!! Give her a hug and kiss to show her I appreciate her
*DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL: Started to wear wedding band to work, inmates can’t bother me if I don’t take things personal

• De-stress time when I get home from work:
(AGREEMENT TOGETHER)
*Say “hello”
*Run on tread mill or go for family walk
*Talk about day
*Continue normal day