too much time and distance

[gunny]

Good morning AC,
If you think a depression is looming, but are you going to do about it? Just curious, because I am having a hard time distinguishing whether I am experiencing something more than grief centered depression or something more long term, which is scary, because I have never had problems with depression before.
Do you have an IC? What does he/she say?

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Just met with my IC yesterday. She tells me it is very difficult to distinguish between depression and deep sadness. My interactions with friends and other things suggests to her that deep sadness is my issue, and I tend to agree with her. I am watching for signs of depression, as it can be a hard downward spiral. I am hyper sensitive to depression, because depression has already ruined my marriage and is consuming my W. If her depression was not in the mix, I think either our M would have a chance, or we would have been split a long time ago. So the limbo continues. Just wish my W would recognize the fog she is in.

At this point, she does not even want to talk to me.

[gunny]

Thanks for the info AC, I have a meeting with my IC today. Hang in there buddy!

[any chance?]

good luck with your IC. Get in touch when you get a moment.

[gunny]

good morning AC,
Had my session yesterday. We talked a great deal about depression, about how it would be almost a miracle if my s who grew up in a very dysfunctional family(complete with abuse), and myself, also very dysfunctional family did not suffer from some sort of covert depression, which in my case, may now be overt because of the trigger of separation.

She knows my s from past sessions with both of us, and is quite sure she is suffering from depression, and was when she made her decision to leave.

As you said, the line between deep sadness and depression is very fine, but she did say, that it is imperative that I get my sleeping problems under control, if we are not sleeping correctly(which i remember you said you were not), it is very difficult to hold up under the pressure we are experiencing.

Her advice, detach with love, concentrate on taking care of yourself, hopefully she will do the same. What do you think?

[any chance?]

G:
I think we need to strive to detach with love, while keeping the way home paved and smooth. But it is very difficult, especially with W's who really do not appear interested in associating with us in any way (at least in my case). In my case, I think I need to move forward with our Separation, so she can check off that box, which will apparently allow her to feel good about her decision and her independence. We shall see how that goes.

W has been gone over 4 months,and there is very little indication of any movement on her part at all. Has not even attempted to look for a job. Seems to be comfortable with the support I provide - it is all financial support at this time, as she seems to have very little interest in getting emotional support from me - seems to want to maintain little or no contact. Not clear if and how often she wants to be in touch with me. But there is no telling how her thoughts will evolve with time.

Very interesting and bizarre change in my W situation. She has been totally dependent on one girlfriend that lives 3 hours away in her new state. This woman has been married twice, and has been living with a third guy for about 6-7 years. Her and my W have spent about 50% of the time my W has been gone together, and this woman has been a huge support system for my W. The woman just broke up with guy #3 and my W helped her move into a new house. These two are totally codependent. The impact of this on our sitch remains to be seen.

To specifically answer your question: we need to take care of ourselves, feel better about ourselves, work out, do GAL activities, and try to detach with love, but we must pay attention as we do so. Our spouses are on their own journey, and depression is a very nasty travel partner. Be there when needed, but try to not be totally consumed. Wish I could say it was easy....it most certainly is not.....

[NTX_Dad]

AC -

If it's none of my business, then please don't answer this, but how does your wife live without a job? Are YOU paying all of her bills?

[any chance?]

NTX-
We agreed to keep out finances linked until the D was done. I wanted to support her through her troubles and her transition, and that will end soon. The short answer is yes.

[any chance?]

Update:

I think I have finally hit bottom. I have had it.

Sent W the necessary D papers yesterday. Am starting the process of removing her name from all accounts, etc. Talked to W on Wednesday, and she is very depressed, and feels in limbo, and is unable to get motivated to get a job. She told me that she could not confide in me nor depend on me, as that would be moving backward. I have consistently supported her emotionally and financially, but apparently that means very little. It seems quite clear she wants nothing to do with me, and could care less if I live or die.

Had dinner with our best friends last night, and they virtually insist I cut her off. She tells them she is getting involved with an old college boyfriend, who just left his common law wife after my W and he started talking this year. W told our friends this specifically so they would tell me, and they are royally irritated that she is using them. My W is leaving carnage everywhere she goes, and is pulling people down with her. She has given up everything she has, with little idea where she is going. But is clear that I mean nothing to her.

Today I realized I have hit bottom. No more depression. No more excessive self-medication. No more waking up at 3AM and staring at the ceiling. I need to save myself. I can no longer help her. She is on her own. I am done.

Thought you might want to know.

[Rick1963]

Any chance I hope to not offend you. But you seem very bitter and at times passive/aggressive. I know the feeling but what do you want? I ask myself that question everyday. If I really knew the answer these would be the two outcomes. 1 we would be reconciled 2 we would be getting divorced. Guess where I am?