Doing the "Friends" Route Pt 2...

[Abbey]

KML, you can ask the question as many forms as you like, the answer though isn't going to change. As we've all experienced here, their brains are MUSH. The only way to get them there is to have it think it's THEIR idea. Me pushing, family pushing, anyone else pushing is NOT going to amount to a hill of beans and is quite counter productive.

Believe me, nobody does more hair pulling of my own head than I, wondering why the obvious isn't so damn obvious to him. (your question). Unfortunately I know it's a process of step by step of him getting PO'ed and frustrated that he's not getting ALONE time that will get him there. It's by built up resentment, anger, frustration, irritation, OF the OW, because his best laid plans aren't coming to fruition, that he'll finally grow his brain back.

Another example: He had to go running all over bloody town last night. He came home, frustrated, exhausted and cranky. Why?... his comments: Rush hour, grumble, grumble, don't want to do that again, am not going to do that again, grumble grumble,... I'm only getting "supervised visits" grumble, grumble. Plunks himself down on the couch,... I want to be with my daughter, not her taxi... grumble grumble.

This morning, she's going to get off early she said. H: I MIGHT actually get some alone time with daughter, grumble grumble, but who knows. More chaperonning. Grumble, grumble. (And yes, I realize that his grumbling as much as I'd like it to be so, isn't enough for him to stand up to her and grow back his balls.)

Me: I packed him a little snack lunch for daughter. I bought some new fruits for her to try. (Blueberries along with the raspberries). He was hoping that I could drop by with him today and go look at some lights with daughter. My comment: You go take some time with your daughter. It's the only alone time you're getting. Take it when you can get it.

The crazy B, is running him ragged. Using the child as a carrot/stick and keeping him off center by not saying exactly when she'll meet up with him, she's late to maintain control, etc etc etc.

I'm the sanity. Right now, I've ceased criticizing the OW, instead I validate his words, mirror them, and ignore anything positive he has to say about OW. My T says that's what worked the last time and is an effective method to repel the hurtful things. Listen, validate the stuff you want him to remember, get into his brain, and don't engage in the positive crap he has to say about her. Other than if he says: I told her to do this or that. Then I validate his actions in it by saying things like: That's wise. That's a good idea. That's it.

KML, Let me reiterate something that deserves saying... In order for ME, H, and his daughter to ever have a chance at being a sane healthy family unit. HE has to hate her, and see her for what she truly is. That is a process. And since the reason I'm here NOW is because that end result didn't happen the first time.... in order for us to ever have any chance to become a new happy couple... he HAS to regard her with the contempt that she deserves. UNTIL that happens, I'm only whistling past the grave yard. The OW will be able to have a pull on him to which he'll always be susceptible. UNTIL that happens he will feel compelled to rescue her, help her, have her invade his life like the bad toxic virus she is.

Might he never break free? Possible. Unlikely from the odds of what kinds of personalities are involved. But her own H, even though he's separated from her, is still pulled into her manipulation.

Abs