I know that you are right. I've read that advice so many times, but reading it and seeing it for what it is are two different things. I don't know what changed in me so many months back to be able to see advice like yours and actually do something with it, but I'm eternally grateful that it happened.
I have seen where my dark days tend to cycle with tough times in school. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed so that I can set a good example for my kids. I want them to be able to see that we really can do anything we put our minds too. I have finals this week and my nerves are on edge. I'm trying to get my GPA up so I can apply for scholarships so I don't have to use so much financial aid and I'm really worried about my finals dropping me a letter grade. Add into this that my S&B-in-laws came to town this past weekend.
I read somewhere that you should never get involved with the in-laws during the MLC reign of terror. Doing so, only looks bad in the eyes of your spouse and leaves you as the odd man out when your spouse re-establishes the connection to their family. The fact that I said anything at all to them last week has me on edge too. I only want them to know that I'm fine and I'm tending to the kids needs and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I don't feel sorry.
I'm not going to lie, my life is full of "aquaintences", but no friends. I've made sacrifices over the years to be a part of the family and now that I need a friend the most, there's nobody nearby. I don't do therapy anymore. It's not the same when I'm only giving my side of the story. Not to mention that as much as MLC has changed my wife, I know her better than the trained professional. I say that because everything they suggested I "try" or "say" I knew would not work and i went against my better judgement and got burned. My life is not an experiment to see what we can try next if an idea fails. There may not be a next.
I've never had a close relationship with my mother so that's out of the question. I'm not emotionally stable enough to take on that kind of task after 38 years. I say that knowing my mother would defend me when I would tell her that I contributed to the decline of my relationship with my wife and that's not what I want or need. My sister knows of my relationship problems, but she's about as stubborn as my wife. Even though she's very understanding and supportive, she sometimes says things about my wife's mlc that hurts.
Nobody knows my wife better than her family. I just hope that they can believe in me. I'm trying to do the right thing for everyone even if I don't know what that is. I just want to talk and I have so much to say, but nobody to talk too. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I love being with my kids so much that I feel like I would miss seeing them grow up if I went out with a friend(s). Not to mention that I want them to have some form of foundation they can count on. A constant in their lives when they see uncertainty.
Ugh! Don't mind me. It's finals week and the holidays are around the corner. I'm feeling sorry for myself and that's not what I want.
