DBing against OW...?????

[imthemom]

How did you handle the actual divorce mish...were you both ammucable? Was he angry? Did u just sit and smile while you signed the life you thought you had away??..i am so stressed about next monday, i will not be able to hold it together..its going to be horrible being forced to sign those papers..and to watch him do it with no hesitation...its going to kill me...ive never wanted time to just stop before..and i feel my anxiety building...

[imthemom]

Keep going...ive been following your sitch clisely...ive been impressed with what youve done and i gotta admit, i feel better knowing im not the only one feeling lost. What this has reduced me to, driving by his house and crying all the way home when i see her car..its disgusting to me that i have become that...im so much stronger then that!!.. why do i let a person who cares so little for me be such a priority in my lufe????....

[imthemom]

Sitting outside co parenting thinken hmm...maybe tonight he says "this was all a huge mistake"..... Lol...i know, thats crazy talk...lol!!

[imthemom]

Well i totally blew it tonight...
Somehow we got on the subject of S14 meeting OW and H said he had been thinking about it....i lost it...
With the shape my son is in thats the last thing he needs right now..i then got into the whole " youve become the person who can sleep with a woman in our bed and not feel any remorse" and blah blah...omg i just vomited out everything ive wanted to say, how after 17 yrs of marriage and all i wanted was a healthy sober husband and im being punished for that and he says it wasnt an affair because he was done, well he failed to tell me that. And how he has completely walked away from my older sons who were raised by him for 17 yrs witthout a word since ...
He of course felt like he was getting beat up for it and got very angry...he said i wanted to divorce you a long time before i met her, with so much anger in his voice...i walked out...
It was horrible and all i did was push him to her..i really dont know how much more i can take...

[Nblost]

Don't beat yourself up...you are in such a painful situation! One of my books (Torn Asunder) says not to worry about getting angry at your cheating spouse and pushing them into the arms of the OW--THEY ARE ALREADY WITH THE OW! You haven't made anything worse. If anything, they need to see your pain for them to ever hit the bottom and try to improve.

Your H sounds like mine when I have gotten angry or pushed his buttons about the A. They lash out to justify what they've done. I'm also not convinced that in their wacky minds...they even remember much of any conversations (good or bad)

Hang in there and take care of yourself. YOU don't deserve this!!!

[mishka422]

(((ITM)))

I wish I could give you a real hug, but the virtual kind will have to do.

You said what you needed to say. Don't beat yourself up about it. That is one thing about DB that has always confused me. What, we're supposed to just suck it up and never tell then how their actions have hurt us and our children? That can't be right. It's certainly not healthy for us. Trust me, I have a lot bottled up that I've never spoken outloud and it nearly destroys me, but speaking frankly to the person who vowed to love and protect and honor us for the rest of our lives should be the very one deserving of hearing it all....ugly or not.

You asked me how I handled the actual D. We met at my L's office, he refused to sign because of the financial figures on the page that no longer fit his sitution (long long story)and my L told him that if he refused to sign we had no problem going to court where she would promptly put his ow on the stand to testify to the 4 other marriages of police officers in our county that she had direct knowledge of that the ow had been involved in the demise of. His face went ashen (considering he's dark skinned that was amazing) and he promptly signed everything. I sat there trembling but never showing him how much pain I was in. We walked outside afterward and he said he would 'always be there for me and Marc', I turned away, got in my car and shook all the way back to my office. I cried uncontrollably all night and into the next day but when it really hit me was when I had to pick up the papers from my L with the court stamp and judges signature on them. That wrecked me for another week.

There is nothing pretty about any of it, there is no way to get through this without a lot of pain but you can get through it with dignity.

You already spilled all your pain to him. Now, the key is to let it rest. He will do whatever he's going to do. He either will or won't be a real father. None of that is your problem. What is your responsibility is to make sure your children feel your love and support at all times and that you don't allow your pain to show to them. They don't need to feel like they need to take care of you on top of dealing with their own pain.

[imthemom]

there is something about sitting in a room with your 41 yr old husband and listening to him talk about and say over and over "my girlfriend" that rips my heart out.....

I know that I have to except that this is what he is going to do, and I need to find a way to get over it. I know that a month from now or maybe a year from now, my life will be totally differant and I wont feel this drowning pain that I feel now but patients has never been my strong point, that is something I need to work on and thought I had improved on until last night..i actually was surprised at what came out of me, I knew I was angry and had all this spinning inside of me but never intended on saying it out loud and had gone almost 2 months interacting with him and not saying a word...what brought it all out last night I dont know but after what i said and him seeing how much pain im actually in, and the look on his face...like he just wanted to punch me...was not the person I have known for almost 19 years.
so im done trying to make him understand...hes not going to. and if this thing turns into something that my son and I have to deal with on a daily basis, then that is out of my contrrol...I cannot choose who he brings into his life. it obviousley is more seriouse then he had let on to me, last week he was playing it down..saying we would never have to worry about running into them around town and that he would never flaunt it like that and now its how can he tell our S14 that he has a "girlfriend" and bring her into his life....he is 17 all over again and I am going to be 48 in 2 weeks with 3 kids...not a good mix.
The fact that he chooses a younge girl who works at a gas station to have this relationship with makes me sick.....I mean really? and his son is supose to look to him as an example of what a man should be?? I am at a lose that I was married to this person for that many years and never saw him capable of this.....The co dependancy is screaming in my face...

[imthemom]

meeting with L today to go over what we are going to ask for in meeting on Monday...i guess at the very least I will be prepared but still am trying to figure out what I can do to make it threw that meeting on the 19th...i keep pictureing signing the papers and watching him sign and it makes me sick to my stomach..

yesterday I finally made myself decorate our tree..its been sitting in the corner for days with no one showing any interest in doing it no matter how many times I tried so I finally did it by myself. finding all the old ornaments and going threw all that stuff was painfull to say the least. Ive bought ornaments for stockings every year up till this year and there are a lot of Daddy ones and john deer (my H is from Nebraska and is a farm boy)...i kept thinking, i cant believe that less then a year ago we were doing this together and I really thought we were going to work things out...but according to him he had been miserable for the entire time and just didnt have "the balls to tell me"...
Im not trying to rewrite anything...i know we had our problems and we needed to do a lot of work, but last christmas we were very much together and i saw none of this comeing.

Went out with some friends last night to a 7 card stud tournament..it was fun and nice to get out of the house and meet new people. The first time ive been in situation that other men were there and showed some interest in me...that was nice but def made me realize im so not ready for that..

Wed. Im going to another Divorcecare meeting, Thurs we are going to see the local christmas lights with friends and Friday starts another weekend alone with out boys. Sat night am going to listen to a country band at a local place, looking forward to that!...trying to keep my mind off what is comeing Monday....

[Abbey]

*Hugs*... hang in there.
Abbey

[imthemom]

Well, met with L yesterday to work out our offer...everything is pretty standard as our state is 50/50 and Im not asking for anything that isnt due me by the state. Im thinking the only thing that is going to be a problem is our travel trailer..he wants to keep it and "share custody"...at first he offered this before I knew of OW and I agreed. since my discovery i have thought about it and decided that there is no way i can share use of that trailer when he will be using it with her. It has a queen bed in bedroom and bunk beds in back for kids. Im not going to sleep in the same bed they use ....there is just no way. so Im asking him to either buy me out or we sell it. H is not going to be happy about eiter so we will see what he decideds...

We have not spoke since our co parenting session on Mon. I did call the C on Wed. and apologize for walking out of her session but explained that i didnt feel they were going anywere. I dont like the idea that we have to "nudge" (her word) H into spending time with his only son. I have NEVER kept him from him, as a matter of fact I have pushed for there relationship from the beginning. At this point I feel like our S is pretty amazing and if he doesnt want to spend time with him thats his loss. It is not my job to make that happen. She said that H made another appt for next Tues. I told her that I would no longer be attending. I feel like he is making these appts as a way for him to validate himself and to rid himself of the guilt. I think he feels that as long as he is going he is AT LEAST doing that....but everything he talks about in the session regarding S14, (me contacting him re: S14 and school etc..) the C will then ask "is there any problems with that?" and he will state "no, W if very good about doing that" so why do we need to be there? H needs to step up and be a father...that is the only problem right now. and me having to sit there while he lays blame and gets hostile with me is no longer healthy for me or helping me detach from the situation. IM DONE....

Im concerned that he thinks now is a time that he should finally admit to S14 that he has a "girlfriend" (ugggg...raally? how old are we??) but im aware that i have no control over that. S14 is still in pretty bad shape and I dont thinkhe needs to find out about the D and the OW in the span of 2 months but .....I plan on asking him if he will please let me know before he does anything like that and that I think we should be together when he does it...not sure how that will go over.

taking the boys and some friends to look at xmas lights tonight and hot cocoa...im really trying to keep ocupied...when I have any alone time, even in the car, i end up in tears...I guess its the holidays and knowing that my stocking will be painfully empty this year, i dont know but Im so sad lately.