Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[workinghardguy]

what does it take for a WAS to say "maybe I'm off base in wanting a D"?

I think, especially for the WAW, you're asking the wrong question. The D is just the legal output of what they have already done inside themselves, and that is divorce themselves from the M.

IMO, the question really is, "what does it take for the WAW to question the decision to leave?"

I think the answer is complex. First, the WAW has to see someone they would want to be married to. The challenge there of course is that we are not that person. We were once, but somewhere that stopped being true. And even if we become the person they would want to be married to, we have baggage. Years and years of baggage that they have to look past in order to see us anew. This is where the time and sustained changes comes into play.

Second, I think they have to see that life post-D is not as rosy and beautiful as they crafted. That the alternative, trying the M, is worth it. There's risk there on their part. They've already tried the M route and feel they were wronged and hurt. So I imagine life post-D has to be similar. This is why I have to imagine split-ups where kids aren't involved have such a hard time reconciling. I like to think that one of the sources of cognitive dissonance for my W is to see the R between the kids and I, and then to watch the damage she is going to do to that and to them as she goes on her path.

In my case my W, I believe, has this vision that it will be ok. She's already left one husband when she had kids. But those kids were 1 and 3, and she found a replacement dad almost right away (me). I believe things will be very different this time. Her kids are 8 and 10 and have relationships, feelings, and are far more developed. They will have anger and will direct as they see fit. And our son is also old enough and has a great relationship with me, and it will be clear to her that he is hurting and that she chose to cause that hurt. Will create enough dissonance in her head? I don't know. And even if it does, I don't know that her return will be what I want.