I know. You just have to be prepared if it doesn't end up the way you want. By doing what I said, you will be in the 'best way' if your marriage does survive...and you will also be in the 'best way' if it doesn't. You don't have to stop caring...
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks for the feedback and support, folks. I both need and appreciate it. Here is the paradox of DB'ing that I am trying to embrace. Most of us are here because we are on the receiving end of a D or S and we WANT our spouse back. Yet, in order to meet this objective you need to stop thinking about your spouse and start focusing on yourself. It's like taking a left turn to eventually go right. Feels weird, but I am committed to it at this point.
yes yes yes^^^^!!!! BINGO!!!! You have to detach and prepare for life without them BUT with you being happy on your own
only to THEN find out that the WAS noticed you, and may start to come around...and then
THAT, imo, is when real piecing begins.
(If you can, is there a chance she'd attend Retrovaille with you? It's VERY useful.)
But yes indeed you must embrace this crazy paradox - and a bunch of ironies all combined in one...
TA DAH!!!! VOILA....
you are getting it...welcome to our world!
Rick89 - I was thinking the same thing. That is kinda how I am trying to live my life right now!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So then, this is like the movie "Cars"... where Lightning McQueen had to learn to trust Hudson Hornet (25) and his friends and turn to the right on the dirt track in order to go left...
No... I don't have a five year old... why would you ask that?
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
25, at this point I am doubtful if my W would follow me to safety out of a burning building - let alone go to Retrovaille. I would be totally open to going - but that would be a goal for us down the line a bit.
25, at this point I am doubtful if my W would follow me to safety out of a burning building - let alone go to Retrovaille. I would be totally open to going - but that would be a goal for us down the line a bit.
Crimson
I know it's too soon. I get that.
But keep it in mind for a plan if and when you feel you are in "Piecing".
Nearly every couple we attended with was helped,
(e.g., 22/25 stayed married 3 years later. Considering what brought them there, that's remarkable).
and certainly no marriage was harmed.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, don't mean to hijack thread, I see you have been giving some great advice. I was curious about Retrovaille and looked up some info on it. It all seems very interesting. At what point would you ask a WAS to try it, you say maybe piecing, but can it be used before it? It seems funny, other people on the boards talk about signs on not quitting, but when I looked at the website, I sort of got a sign. Earlier in the night I had prayed and asked God for a sign on what would be best for W and S to be happy, and when looking at the website for Retrovaille it mentioned the patron saint is St. Joseph. Well being raised catholic I chose St. Joseph as my patron Saint for confirmation and was born on St. Josephs day (March 19th). Could be a few silly coincidences, but hey you never know. I saw there is one in my area January 20th. Would this be too soon? How do you exactly ask a WAS to attend something like this?
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
I'll check for your thread and try to post there, If I cannot find it, quickly, I'll post here about it.
Now, off to hunt for your thread!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Guess I'm just journaling or kvetching in general here.
I woke up this morning missing W more than usual. Maybe because it's raining and she loves the rain in the desert - I don't know. It has been getting easier, but it still isn't easy. I am spending less time in her head, but I am not out of it completely - getting there, though. It is quite difficult to detach when in your heart you would give anything to have that person back, but I am doing my best to detach. I honestly can't recall talking to W about anything other than our S and matters pertaining to our sitch in months, and I certainly don't initiate much contact. I know it's probably eons away but I am longing for the day that she just asks how I am doing.
She has shown so many signs of growth and moving on - new car, new place of her own, new job. Maybe I'm envious that I currently lack the ability to just cut the cord and be free like that in my own right. Not to make it about me, but in my mind every step she takes to move on is a step to move away from our R for good. I need to stop that thinking, but so far I haven't seen even the faintest sign of her missing our R (son, yes - R, no).
As noted, I am doing much better than I was before I read the books and found this board. Notwithstanding, I still have a long way to go and I need to find the patience to get there. Mach1 probably put it best when he said to view time and space away as a gift you are giving her until she can find her way home. I just hope that she finds her way home eventually.
You getting better should not be a comparison with your oblivious W who is just going on as if nothing happened (new car, new place, new job). It's not a comparison with her...it's your own deal. Compare your growth to your own...and stop comparing your insides to your W's outsides.
Progress from 'feelings' to rational thought.
The only thing you can do anything about is you.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Last thought - what does it take for a WAS to say "maybe I'm off base in wanting a D"?
You have to figure at this point they are tremendously vested in the process - retained a L, told family and friends, moved out, and so on. You have a lot of critical mass moving in one direction. If nothing else, pride could fuel the drive to the finish line. Maybe it just boils down to what's most important to them at the time.
