What else could I have done?

[Coyote]

Hey again there Antlers,

sorry about this stuff coming back. Usually does after a D. I've heard normally up to 2 - 5 years to really be over it. From what I've come across, seems to be about right.

I know for me, a year after my D (which was in '07) XW was parading her old boyfriend in front of me. That set me back. I had to go in for some counselling. The 'hampster' was running around in my head again. Ended up talking to an experienced Chaplin on this. He was good. He'd seen a lot of broken marriages in Afghanistan. (The old boyfriend, from long before, who was the OM in the sitch didn't last though. He dumped her... )

In short, the Chaplin said there's no magical cure when a S gets like this, nothing you can do. They have sorting out to do. You just have to do the best you can sorting yourself out. Fix any failings with yourself out. Don't try to force yourself in a better direction, 'Point' yourself in a better direction. If you force it you will get discouraged. He also said it's normal for this junk to come back and linger after a D. He'd seen it happen many times. (He actually coined up the 'hampster running around in the head' phrase. Made perfect sense once I though of it that way.)

I really liked the part about 'pointing' yourself in a different direction from XW. Not trying to force it, which is what I was doing (...and getting discouraged.) I also liked the part about this stuff coming back is normal. Slowed the hampster down to a walk. The hampster was not happy!

By this time I was hearing from a lot of well meaning people to, 'just get over it.' This made me worse, actually. Made me feel like there was something wrong with me. It was refreshing to hear, 'Seen this lots. Na, nothing wrong with you. This is normal after a D.'

Your D is still relatively fresh. Accept that the hampster is there in your head, running around, havin' a good time. Accept that this is part of the normal process of grieving. Grieving for everything that was lost. Accept that it's going to take time to work through this process. Accept that there's nothing wrong with you because it seems to be a taking a little longer than you anticipated. Give yourself permission that it's ok to feel like this.

I suspect, once you start pointing yourself in a different direction instead of trying to force or 'will' yourself, the hampster's not going to be happy.

'My daughter mentioned in the text that they will all "remember the stuff you did to us till the day we die".'

This is no fun, I really feel for you here. I know someone with an 18 year marriage get bombed just before mine did. They had 4 kids. Throughout this, his WAW was constantly feeding them poison about him. The older ones didn't go for it so much, but the young ones were much more impressionable. After time though, he wore it down.

He kept the same with them. Despite the fact that the youngest ones were angry at him and believed it was all his fault (as they were told.) He kept telling them he loved them and that this is not their fault. Treated them with respect. Picked them up when they were down. Revelled in their successes even though they didn't appreciate it at the time. Over time, as they grew older they were able to see differently. What they saw was that his XW was bitchy, unreasonable and had started in on 'them' as well. Yet, over here is dad who has always been behind us and has been loving and caring. Once they were old enough they eventually excercised their right to go live with their dad instead, for good.