WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Not much to journal tonight as the drama of the day is largely contained in the above posts. Not exactly sure how I feel tonight. Sad and hurt, but also freer and more resolved.

Took a walk after dinner tonight... ended up strolling through the National Law Enforcement Officers' Memorial. All the names on the wall, and so many of them moms and dads, wives and husbands who never came home from their last shift. Called the kids while I was standing there. Just a reminder that I may want to wallow in my own self-pity, but there are others who have much greater sadness to contend with.

SS made the honor roll today, his first time. Considering he doesn't like school all that much I was pretty proud of him. I made sure to tell him how proud I was and what a good job he did. That's a big 180 for me... I've always had a hard time showing him affection the way I show it to SD and S. I'm also not so sure it's a coincidence that his academic performance and the relationship between he and I changed at the same time. When my W dropped the bomb the very first 180 I did was change my R with SS and SD. I was able to see how awful I was being towards them and really changed that. While I may have backslid in other areas, that is one I have been consistent in. And I've found (I know.. this will shock people) that I can push SS to perform more through love, support, and positive reinforcement than I ever could through other methods. And that he is far more open to approaching me and seeking help and advice from me than he ever has been.

I don't mean to take all the credit for his academic turnaround as he has done the hard work himself, but I have to believe that it certainly hasn't hurt. But it's a double-edged sword. As soon as I found out my first thought was how will the divorce affect him and his new found success... I guess we'll see.

Didn't talk to W any more today, just the brief morning call. A few texts and one email tonight. In the email she complained about being sick and losing more weight. We discussed Christmas gifts a bit via email and that was that. I did find it funny that today in the phone call and tonight in the email she complained about being sick and almost seemed to lay a guilt trip that she had to go to work and deal with the kids since I was gone and we need the funds. She has sick time... and well, spouses travel for work, it happens. And most of all... how do you think this will work after the D?

A little twinge tonight when talking to S on the phone and he asked if I wanted to talk to mommy. I told him no that I would call her later, knowing full well I wouldn't.

I suspect I may not talk or hear from her until I see her on Saturday when I get home. She works late the next three nights so my calls home will be to the kids when she's not there. Guess that's about as dark I as I can get.