So today the hard but rewarding work begins. I have no control over H's decisions/actions nor do I want it. I can't speculate on what he is thinking, doing, planning. It is putting too much energy in the wrong place and won't help my situation in any way.
I do however have control over my own, and plan to do the hard work to better myself continually and even challenge myself to look at some of the things that were true (things that H said). By helping myself in this way, I will become a stronger and better person which in the long run will help all of my relationships. So why wouldn't I do it, right?
H has accused me of being controlling, and I can see where I have been in some instances. I have reacted and acted out of fear many times and this will always come across as either controlling or desperate, neither of which is attractive.
I realize that I may have never gotten over the A that occurred years ago. I may not have thought about it regularly or often but occasionally it would rear its ugly head. Inevitably it was damaging in many ways. I think I held on to it and each time I felt rejected in anyway, it would bubble up. I will be dealing with this with IC and finding a way to rebuild.
I've started to journal daily which is so helpful to me, just to get some things out on paper and out of my own head. Things that are too private to even post anonymously here. I am learning to replace the guilt and shame that I have felt for a long time. I am learning to love me again
Between the stress of my sitch, taking better care of myself and running I have managed to lose 29 pounds over the past few months. I am feeling stronger, looking better and continuing to take care of me.
DB coach said that although H hasn't discussed much, she doesn't expect him to. She feels as if we have entered "friendship" and need to keep it there. So while I am working on me, I can also work on this friendship. Because whether we are M or not, we will need to find a way to friendship in order to coparent our kids. I was also made aware that I have to consider my expectations and adjust them to where we are at right now. A very good reminder.
Today I am planning to hit the gym, get some last minute Christmas gifts, and head to the book store tonight. Getting out of my own head and trying to not think about my sitch if at all possible.
Make it a great day everyone!!
Girl, you must be the younger sister I always wanted but never had. I soooo could have written this post!
You make it a great day!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
