that feeling that the other shoe is going to drop, "because" things are going well
is one of my most neurotic fears. I get it. And I force myself to think it out LOGICALLY to its' end conclusion.
Do I really believe God, or the universe, is setting me up? That I'm being "tricked" into feeling good - only to have the floor yanked out from under me later...all to teach me WHAT? To "show me NOT to count on things!!!" ????
To parcel out happiness in small portions always to be outweighed by struggle and pain? Hmmm, I don't buy that. Not intellectually or spiritually, (though my internal neuroses still do battle.)
So yeah, Been there, done that. I actually once said out loud, that I was "afraid to say I'm the happiest I've ever been."
Why did I FEAR saying that? B/C of the above fears/beliefs/questions... That somehow the second "they" notice I'm happy, I will face a tragedy---for unexplained reasons.
And yet there may be an explanation-
I THINK, that at some deep core level it's the fear that I don't deserve to be happy, that triggers this.
Cognitively, I say screw that. Emotionally, I'm almost there...so I'll say it now:
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY damn it, and so do you.
Be in the now, and embrace it.
Worst case scenario is that you are creating a happy memory for tomorrow- that you can look back on in the future, and know you did not ruin with fears of disaster...
best case scenario, you live a happy life that much longer and more fully... So there's not a big downside to embracing the now, is there?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
