Ugh just got a horrible smack in the face, and having a hard time pulling it together.
There is a woman who has been a friend of ours for years, but always closer with him. They have jobs in common and interact between their companies.
When he went away for a company retreat a few months ago, she was there too among other people. Some brought their spouses but he was adamant that I couldn't go. "I never have anything for myself, and you just will never hear me"
So a few weeks ago when he accused me of flirting with a guy, and I mentioned that women friends text him too and dont' see how this is different. I then mentioned that one of them even went on the retreat. He was drinking at the time and his response was "and we are going on another one in Feb"
The next morning he was sorry, kissing me, hugging me and "we will talk later". We didn't
So just now she posted on fb and within 3 minutes he was responding, and it felt flirty. I don't know if it was really flirty or just because he doesn't respond to me on FB at all anymore. I don't know when its in my head or real. I need to not look at FB
I need to pull it together before he gets home. Thank goodness the kids are at the gym because I cant' stop crying.
How can someone who vowed to love you, make you cry so much. He told me a few weeks ago that he hates to see me sad (he doesn't anymore) and he wants his marriage. He still says ILY everyday. Can they say it and not mean it, i guess anything is possible.
Immediately after I saw that post, I didn't respond in anyway to either of them and shut down facebook. I had a good cry, and called my doc. Seeing him tomorrow to talk about AD. They squeezed me in first thing tomorrow morning.
Within 10 minutes a flurry of emails came through from H, all about other things but literally 6 of them. I responded to the one that had to do with the kids and shut down for the day.
I am thankful that I got the cry out of the way before the boys get home from the gym. Will slap some makeup on and that fake smile I am getting so good at.
Tonight I will set my small goals just for tomorrow, and make a plan to stick with them.
I know two women who have dealt w/a marital situation that I have always said...
"They had the saddest smile."
One of them was married to one of my good (male) friends from high school. It's funny. I never even talked to him anymore, but his wife and I had our boys in Junior Golf together.
And, I really didn't even talk much to her, and not even about her marital problems. I just knew that if she had that sad of a smile. He was so darn guilty!
I grew to hate that MF'er. So much so that he showed up at my house for a 4th of July party w/my friend once. He had no idea I hated him, or that I knew his wife (sort of). I was incensed to see him there. Kicked his rear to the curb immediately... I can still remember his sorry look... "WHAT? What did I do?"
LoL Funny now, but, found out later he was a serial cheater.
That'll teach him. No cheaters partyin' w/Mindfull.
Anyways, my little story was to let you know that you will have a sad smile no matter... It's okay to show it, too, you know.
Good Luck tonight.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
So today the hard but rewarding work begins. I have no control over H's decisions/actions nor do I want it. I can't speculate on what he is thinking, doing, planning. It is putting too much energy in the wrong place and won't help my situation in any way.
I do however have control over my own, and plan to do the hard work to better myself continually and even challenge myself to look at some of the things that were true (things that H said). By helping myself in this way, I will become a stronger and better person which in the long run will help all of my relationships. So why wouldn't I do it, right?
H has accused me of being controlling, and I can see where I have been in some instances. I have reacted and acted out of fear many times and this will always come across as either controlling or desperate, neither of which is attractive.
I realize that I may have never gotten over the A that occurred years ago. I may not have thought about it regularly or often but occasionally it would rear its ugly head. Inevitably it was damaging in many ways. I think I held on to it and each time I felt rejected in anyway, it would bubble up. I will be dealing with this with IC and finding a way to rebuild.
I've started to journal daily which is so helpful to me, just to get some things out on paper and out of my own head. Things that are too private to even post anonymously here. I am learning to replace the guilt and shame that I have felt for a long time. I am learning to love me again
Between the stress of my sitch, taking better care of myself and running I have managed to lose 29 pounds over the past few months. I am feeling stronger, looking better and continuing to take care of me.
DB coach said that although H hasn't discussed much, she doesn't expect him to. She feels as if we have entered "friendship" and need to keep it there. So while I am working on me, I can also work on this friendship. Because whether we are M or not, we will need to find a way to friendship in order to coparent our kids. I was also made aware that I have to consider my expectations and adjust them to where we are at right now. A very good reminder.
Today I am planning to hit the gym, get some last minute Christmas gifts, and head to the book store tonight. Getting out of my own head and trying to not think about my sitch if at all possible.
Make it a great day everyone!!
Girl, you must be the younger sister I always wanted but never had. I soooo could have written this post!
You make it a great day!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I absolutely don't want to band aid either, but I need to hear it sometimes so thank you.
I am so confused often that I am afraid to make a move. DB coach said that I am too tentative and I need to find my confidence again. That my tentative approach won't be helpful in my situation.
I did feel better after talking to her, she knows about his drinking and past A. I asked her if he could be faking right now with his ILY or polite talk, trying to keep the peace for the kids or the holidays. Since the kids found out about A of years ago, he is trying not to rock the boat. DB coach said "don't try to read his mind re: why he is doing what he is doing, lets just acknowledge that he is doing it"
I think you are right, I imagine things that are or aren't happening. I am making myself nuts, and I need to stop it.
Each sitch is so different but the one thing that makes my sitch different and to me very difficult, is the not knowing. He never asked for S or D, which I am thankful for but it makes it that much more uneasy.
I'm glad to go to the doc's tomorrow since I am having trouble concentrating at work a bit, and need to pull it together already. I am sick of myself LOL.
I know eventually it will all play out, and will become more clear. That is the constant that I read in all of our sitch's. I am not alone in this stinkin club, we are all there or have been there. Time to get over myself.
How can someone who vowed to love you, make you cry so much. He told me a few weeks ago that he hates to see me sad (he doesn't anymore) and he wants his marriage. He still says ILY everyday. Can they say it and not mean it, i guess anything is possible.
Is it really him that's making you cry? Sit with that and explore what you're really feeling. Really deep down. When you find that spot you can begin to heal it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Girl, you must be the younger sister I always wanted but never had. I soooo could have written this post!
You make it a great day!
So funny you say that because I was thinking along the same lines when I read your letter earlier. I could have written it myself. It inspired me to journal again, so thank you for that
It also inspired me to make a deal with myself. My 40th bday is in June. Depending on how my sitch goes, I will determine in April what I will be doing for myself. I may just take myself on a short vaca to celebrate. One way or another I am having a darn good birthday. I will make sure that my memories of the day are good!
You are very right labug, thank you for that. I guess it is not really him, no I know that its not really him. I have a lot of fear that I need to deal with, and a lot of work ahead of me. Old fear, fear of the unknown, and most recently I have been dealing with a health concern and feeling very much alone due to my sitch. I will sit and really think about it some more to really get to it. I want to heal more than anything.
Last night I got a text message from a friend that said "what is up with his facebook status, what is wrong with him" I hadn't seen it at this point but went to look on my phone. It said "with the price of coal and the chances of me being on the naughty list both going up, it may work out after all" She was very disturbed by it. I simply responded "I can't let it rent space in my head" and tried to move on. I still thought about it some, and a few other friends tried to ask me what was going on, but let it be his thing and shrugged it off.
Up early this morning, its tough to sleep with everything going on. I have my doctors appointment this morning which I am looking forward to.
I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Actually he asked me that last night, and said he wasn't feeling it either. I guess under the circumstances, I can see why. Sadly the hardest part is not knowing exactly what the circumstances are. I just know that I haven't talked about more than the weather anywhere other than here in a long time
