I've not been to the forums in a while and i have a question.
I received some information on some books and threads to read and I've been through a bunch of it. My question is on material pertaining to material addressing the aspect of MLC where the spouse with MLC is convinced their spouse is the source of their problems. I'm looking for more understanding as a way of finding support.
My B-in-law and S-in-law came into town this past weekend to talk to my wife and find out why she decided to poop on the "home for the holiday's" tradition we've always had. The back story being that nobody called my wife on Thanksgiving so she poo-pooed the idea of coming home for Christmas. I sent her a text telling her happy Thanksgiving, but didn't call because I figured she didn't want to talk to me anyways so I don't know if I was included in the "nobody called" list. I was ordered by my wife to take the kids up to the in-laws for Christmas without her. Until MLC stepped in, my wife has been so very very close to her family and her not being there would be very hurtful to all parties. Sooooo...
B & S came to town and, knowing my wife would think I set up the whole thing, they defended me by proclaiming I had no knowledge of their arrival ( not true ). The weekend was so nerve wracking. My in-laws got to see my wife's anger first hand as I've been seeing it for the past year and a half. You know, the whole "It's my time now" anger based on what she's done for everyone else over the years. She's never had any fun and always had to sacrifice what she wanted for everyone else. I don't know the specifics of what was talked about and I don't bother thinking about it, I just know that my wife didn't look at me or talk to me the day they were here. The next day she left for several hours after the in-laws left to get a spa treatment. This is when I realized something....... She will never be happy if she can't learn to beat the anger vs. just pushing it to the side.
She was normal yesterday again. She spoke to me casually and seemed to be in a good mood. It was a 180 from the weekend. I expected it, but it's still off-putting. I want to give her a hug so bad, but I get the impression I'm like sunlight to a vampire ( and she thinks I'm the vampire ). She just can't see all that she has to be thankful for and it's not about me or our kids, but everything her life has been a part of.
I'm trying very hard to be 100% supportive of anything she does and 100% neutral everyday. I don't ever want her to see my pain and I do my best to just act as though nothing is out of the ordinary. I think that's pretty good advice that I've read here in the forums. It seems as though being 'neutral' instead of being her husband has helped her open up some. But I'm human and I hurt and I miss her. Every now and then I need some source of strength during the low times and the holiday's have been low since MLC knocked on the door. I wasn't invited to any of the Christmas parties my wife and I used to always go too together. As hard as I try to act as though nothing's wrong and nothing's different about us, she counters with "it's over. When are you going to get it?" I don't touch her or look to her for assistance or anything, I just listen when she talks and pay close attention to me not talking or offering any advice. I feel as though she's still so far away from trusting me and feels like everything I'm doing is an attempt to fix her. I'm only trying to fix me and listen and be there for her only when needed.
I've noticed too that as I've read here and in books, misery attracts misery. She seems to be a magnet for other women suffering and she takes on their search for happiness as a personal cause at times. What I've seen twice now, is my wife would invite an emotionally struggling female friend over for dinner while I'm there ( not telling me they're coming over). When the kids are off doing their thing, my wife finds a way to bring out that her friends spouse cheated on them and my wife agreeable frowns on this. I feel as though this is a warning from my wife to me and it's hurtful. I know it's only my translation of what I'm hearing at these times, but I don't know of anything I've ever done to give her the impression I have a wandering eye. As it is, I'm the one home with the kids or shuttling them around to their activities while she's out with friends. And no, the way the conversations go it is not my wife's way of letting me know she would never cheat on me. It's pretty clear that it's directed towards me.
My wife is a wonderful woman and I have to give her credit for these past few months. She almost never spoke to me for over a year and then back in August and then again in September she verbalized to how much and in what ways she resents me. Since then she's spoken to me more often in casual conversation. She calls me sometimes just to talk and she's not always in a rush to not be around me. I know she's trying. I know she has meds for anxiety that she doesn't take, but I do wonder if she would ever take them just to tolerate me. I'm crying inside for a chance to just hug my wife. Every step forward is met with a step to the side and two steps back. I want so bad to do something for her that makes her happy even if I'm not present to see her response. I just don't know what I can do. The acting "as if" isn't so helpful on the dark days, only my perception of understanding her struggle.
