Wife sent me another text today. It was in regards to our tax return. I guess she had called the IRS for awhile, When I saw last week, I told her that I received a check from the IRS and wasn't sure what for. She caught me up on the sitch (I had no idea) and said she would call again this week. I gave her the check as a reference.
So her text was in regards to if we received another amount way back when. The number sounds familiar but I know that reaching out to me was way easier than checking her checking account (it was joint then).
I'll respond when I'm ready. Probably something like "The amount sounds familiar but I honestly don't remember. If it did happen, there would be a record of it on our joint checking account"
In 3 days, I'll be home and surrounded by my family. I'm very excited for this. 3 wks seems like a long time but I have so much to do. 7 neices/nephews to bond with.
I'm very excited.
I also look forward to getting away from my sitch. I feel like it may be time to go NC for awhile.
I have mentioned it many times, but the increase of positive interaction has taken an emotional toll on me.
JS - You told me not to let best get in the way of better - For the last month I have been applying that to w.
This morning, after a long conversation with my sister, I need to shine that light on me.....
.... and the truth is that I may not be "better" enough to handle this amount of contact as well as the wishy-washyness of it all.
I know that it may be perceived as "typical" waw behavior, but I need to recognize where I am at too in my own growth....
...... and I feel like I am backsliding some. I'm now worrying again about why she is reaching out and her motives and that is influencing my actions and my behaviors.
And I don't want to lose the past 8 months of growth. I don't want my life to circle around her. Although my GAL has been high, my spirit has been kind of low.
... That's me giving control back to my w. I have no problem with the 2 step forwards, 1 step back journey.. but I can't let that become 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
I can't go back to the old Val. I won't go back to the old m.
I feel, in my heart, that the only way my w and I would reconcile is if we both get healthy. I cannot control her, but I must keep going forward
Even though it hurts and I'm scared that moving forward means losing my w FOREVER. It has to be.. because I will no longer live in fear therefore holding me back from being the best Val I can be.
So my hope in going home.. besides GALing the Sh!t out of Christmas with my family.... is to figure out who this best Val is now that the dynamic is shifting.
To try to recognize old patterns with my w and myself, and to face my fears, and have faith that God knows what's best for me.
Time to go drop off those presents!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
