A night or two ago on the advice of an old friend who is also a pastor who is my sounding board/vent partner, I gently told my wife that I was sorry for my role in the past in getting us to this point and that I was asking for her forgiveness as we look to work on our marriage. It was a calm, rational conversation, she seemed to think about it a bit and said she might be able to forgive, but it would not change the things that have happened or make her forget. I validated and told her I understood that, but that I thought it would be important for her, me and us to both look at forgiveness as move forward. I guess my hope is that this will plant the seed of thought in her mind to consider how she is so focused on the pain of the past that she might have trouble looking at the present and the future of what we might have together...maybe a backslide, I am not sure...but it was an ok, and short conversation.
She is open to trying more counseling programs, I am considering the Mort Feltel cd's and call in program, the DB telephone sessions and seeing a new local counselor who lists SBT as one of their specialties. I know I just need to be careful and not overload her, or us, with trying to do too much too soon just because I want to do anything and everything to learn and work on our M. I think she might be more receptive to SBT style because she wants to know what she "can do..." to work on things and feel again, and it certainly makes a bigger impact to have other "professionals" help give her advice (even if I have my own ideas of things we can try to do to work on it).
She went out Christmas shopping last night after kids went to bed. I still have the worry that she is sneaking off to meet OM, but part of my 180 and GAL I suppose is not getting all in her business about where she is going or what she is doing. I did call to find out if she was going to eat out on her own or maybe bring something home, and she said she would bring dinner home for the both of us...and she was kind enough to text me and let me know where she was, what she was picking up, that she would be home soon...after she got home her phone was chiming from someone texting her, I bit my tongue and did not ask anything and tried not to react at all, and she on her own let me know it was one of her female co-workers and filled me in on the conversation as it went on. We talked about some of the things she is dealing with at work and looking at her schedule for next year, and some of her fears (she is a teacher)...so overall it felt like a good night where my fears were unfounded and we have some good connecting.
I guess my real trial and test will come again tonight and tomorrow. Wed is the day she works while OM also works at her school...so they will certainly see each other around campus. I think/Know DB style would be for me to not even mention, hint or acknowledge my uneasiness about OM and tomorrow...my instinct and feeling is that sometime soon (maybe not tonight though) I need to mention that I have noticed, and appreciate that it seems like she has stepped back from her connection with OM, and that I really value she is taking working on our M a priority (while maybe hinting that having OM in her life is a boundary to me, and I believe it undermines us really trying...which she has also acknowledged before). I guess I really want to ask her where things stand, if she is really moving away from OM and if we are really working on US without distractions...but I think I also know this is the wrong discussion to have, as much as I "want" to know the score.
So talk me down guys and girls, or let me know if there are more subtle or effective ways to focus on the positives of us working on our M together outside of distractions (like OM)
Me:34, W:33 M:11 T:18 D1:6yo D2&3:4yo (twins) Bomb/ILYBNILWY/EA w/ co-worker: Oct 2011 Still in house together, she has move out date set for May 27, we tell the kids May 24...I hate "May"
