Everything has a season

[BeingMe]

We love them for so long, then all is forgotten. Fortunately, my H does not spew hate or anything. But, his actions certainly confuse me.

How I remember the birth of my first grandchild, also a girl. I went to the Lamaze classes, and shopped for necessary things with my D31, because my SIL was on basic training/boot camp (USAF) ... I did basic training years ago, in another country, so not sure what to call it in the USA ... and there was no way he could get to my D31, then only 18 years old. So, I was honored to be the birth coach at her bedside when she went into labor and during the long night, until my grand-daughter was born. I was the first to hold her little hand. The whole event was taped, so my grand-daughter watched it recently herself, being born and her grandma right there holding her hand. She's 12 now and I think we have a bond because of that, even though we don't see each other for long lengths of time due to various moves ... they're overseas now, but I got to go take care of her and her sister, when their baby bro' was born in Feb. this year. Military families are certainly brave and I am so proud of my daughter as she follows her husband around the world. She sure is tough, but didn't mind have her mommy there to support her at the end of her third pregnancy.

Sorry, so long, but it brings back memories.

[JustStunned]

@ BeingMe I was present and involved as much as allowed during our children’s births. My son will be also, IMO as he should be. My DIL is a Marine also, an Iraq vet recently separated after duty in the lioness program.

Journaling When the emotions are removed and one can stand back surveying the landscape and drama playing out, a different perspective becomes apparent. I am trying to be analytical about this. I am trying not to project or rewrite history. Trying to remember and observe.

So her fantasy is not going as planned. She has abandoned pretty much everything and everyone that ever mattered to her. The only people she hasn’t turned her back upon are the family members that supported and encouraged her abandonment of us. The line through her paternal aunt.

There always was a schism there driven from her paternal grandparent’s interactions with her mother.

Noting this may become important, but none of this is productive now. I need to chart a course through this morass that brings me to open water intact and ready to sail. She is only damaging herself and her relationships to family and our kids. She does not realize she and her actions are the root causes, perhaps she never will. I have no energy to waste here. I see no benefit to be had from the expended effort.

So I will keep on keeping on. “Nod to VAL”

[Valeska19]

JS,

I hear first Christmas' are always the hardest. Now is the time for you to pull all of your strength together and be there for your children. I know they are grown, but they will look to you for guidance on how to handle this painful situation.

It is up to you how far you want to show your strength. I think there is no harm for you being strong for you SIL's and nieces.. after all, they are just unfortunate casualties.

I think it speaks volumes about her family wanted you around and part of their lives.

I think it speaks even more volumes about your w and her actions towards her family.

You've come so far.. and although there is still much journey left, you are on the right path.

I hope your w finds hers as well. For her family's sake as well as her own.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: On 12/16 I stopped at the post office to pick up a registered letter. I strongly suspected what it was about, so when the postal clerk showed the front of the letter to me and told me kindly I could refuse delivery I accepted it anyway. What would have been the point in refusing delivery? I would have just been served another way in a day or two.

The letter sits unopened atop the refrigerator. I am not ready to read it and this is what I am paying the L for. He received a “Courtesy copy”. Sometime in January he’ll file a response and we’ll have taken another step down the path STBX has insisted upon pursuing.

Sunday my daughter participated in her commencement ceremony. She received two Bachelor degrees one in Psychology and the other in English. I am quite proud of both of my children.

We rode together to the ceremony, and during the drive I received an earful about her recent visit to her mother’s home and her concerns about her mother’s mental state.

I care and I realize there isn’t a bloody d@m thing I can do about it. It is frustrating. She isn’t a danger to herself or others so there is nothing to be done but allow this to play out. I am continuing to distance myself from the drama the rest of the family is experiencing. The frustration comes from seeing their hurt and not being effective at reducing it.

This is not my burden to bear. I think the best I can do is be a supportive ear and shoulder. Perhaps that is enough, not happy with enough.

Sunday after the ceremony STBX met up with the rest of the family that had attended. We went to dinner to celebrate. Sat at different ends of the table and for the most part ignored each other like two strangers. I kept it civil, even managed to be upbeat. As far as I know the rest of the family doesn’t know about the filing. It was the first time in the last nine months we were in the same room and not discussing terms of D. looking back it was almost pleasant, but that may have been due to the margarita.

I am working to get my BHG screwed on straight. Not up to posting or replying now

[labug]

"This is not my burden to bear. I think the best I can do is be a supportive ear and shoulder. Perhaps that is enough, not happy with enough."

We all grow through this but it is so tough to see our kids in pain. I think we owe them the respect to allow them to to find their own way.

[Valeska19]

((((JS))))

Congrats to your daughter. I am sure securing a double degree was no easy task.

As my mother reminded me today, she can't help but want to protect me from the pain. So your feelings of it not being "enough" make sense to me.

I'm sure seeing your w in a non D context will bring up lots of emotions. As you tell me.. feel them. Take the positives out of the experience and continue to build on them.

I don't know what BHG means but I too am struggling at posting or responding to posts.

I hope you have a good holiday dear friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((( ))))

[gunny]

STUNNED,
Know that you are in my thoughts, take whatever time you need and enjoy the holiday and being with family!!
S/F

[Some Day]

JS, you have offered me great advice for my sitch and wanted to thank you. My thoughts are with you. (( ))

[JustStunned]

Journaling: I think Christmas Eve dinner at the in-laws went reasonably well. At least I represented myself well. STBX did not attend though she did inject drama that is now rippling through family. It is bringing me down to hear about the sniping after the fact. To go into detail would become a book, and cause me to give it more focus when I need to allow it to pass. Suffice that she has pulled out the stops attempting to use guilt to make her sisters feel bad for associating with me. Along the way I am once again the evil abusive villain. Sadly I am fending for myself while we wait for the dust to settle again.

When does the WAS stop running? I about faced and marched away last May when she bought her house and began to set up her new life. It seems from her actions that any reminder I exist causes a lashing out. It is the kids that are paying a price for associating with me; our children, nieces and nephews all teens and twenty somethings.

There are times here when I wish we could simply call in to a web meeting, but I guess that is what the coaches are for.

In about two weeks we will have the first hearing laying out the ground rules for the D proceedings. I will put more effort into the things I can control and ride out the things I cannot.

Some positives that came out of the family gathering;
I was a big part of meal preparation.
Everyone, Everyone was happy to have me there.
We had a wonderful time laughing and visiting
The young man soon to be my niece’s fiancé acknowledged me as a father figure in her life.
He told me I scared the he!! out of him at first.
I hope she asks me to give her away at her wedding. It is totally her decision and I will not interfere. I would simply be honored to do so.

@labug I agree we have to respect them enough for them to find their own path. There comes a point in each person’s maturation when padding the sharp corners in life is counterproductive. Two of my kids are in Yuma at the edge of the Sonoran. I spent time in the Mojave. I know your winter, spring and summers.

@Val I hope you are doing better this day. BHG is an old Marine term, Brain Housing Group, that which prevents my cover from lying upon my shoulders. Sigh; Cover another old Marine term more popularly know as hat.

@Gunny Thank You. Back at you. The longer this continues the more I rely upon lessons learned and experiences had. We did not join, we became. Carry on, Aye.
Semper Fidelis

@SD Your welcome I hope to help and read more of your piecing thread.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: Do we cross the bridge when we are ready or in crossing the bridges are we made ready? IDK. I do know the bridge is before me.

There is a part of me that completely believes this will bust. That it is only a matter of time. How could it do otherwise? Yet when I imagine what that would look like it is not desirable to me. The person I have become and the person she has become seem so at odds.

The drama and strife that pervades is so contrary to my memories and yet before me they lie. My old knee jerk to apply a balm still exists quietly in the background; occasionally rising to cause frustration. To apply it draws me into the conflict, so I refrain. I watch family walk into sharp corners and bleed. I do not think she realizes the damages caused. The kids are adults. They are mature. They have their lives to live, before them lies terrain to discover. They have earned the right to be treated as such.

Will we heal? Will we grow back together? This is a question for the future if we are given the chance. First this must be rent asunder. To rebuild it must first be torn down. It was diseased anyway and the two parts must heal separately. So I enter the next phase with few regrets in the promise of a brighter future. I will of course experience more drama and taste bitter water. It is part of the journey. I will be here for a while yet.

The storm rages outside, it is lonely inside, so I must fill inside. It happens slowly, so slowly patience and marking of even the smallest progress is important to stay the melancholy.

In another thread I read how the WAS probably sent many signals for us to read and interpret. In retrospect they were present. Some were even perceived at the time. They were not acted upon. Their importance was not understood. It was diseased. It still is.