I have started this thread because the holidays are coming up, and there are many here who are weeks, months or a year or two post bomb, and the holidays are especially hard.

Our MLC spouses are on what I call the crazy train - they stepped off their old life, and embarked on a new and wild ride. We are left to continue with our lives and deal with the fall-out - families, financial, and emotional [in no particular order]. And it isn't anything we signed up for, or got asked about.

There is great advice out there, but it doesn't really take away the pain of abandonment and rejection, and the loneliness we feel as we try and deal with this. And sadly there are no quick fixes.

The most useful way I have come to think about it is to think of them as well and truly on a crazy train. We are encouraged to look within ourselves, and fix the things that need fixing. In doing this, do not for a moment think it was your fault. They did not have to get on the crazy train, and a few realise their error and try and come back and fix it. Some succeed, but it is a hard train to get off. This is not to give them a walk on their horrible behaviour, simply to recognise it is probably easier to remain on the ride than get off and work out where they are, and face up to what they did.

One of the things that most of us do is to remain fixated on the MLCer, glued there by our incomprehension about what is happening, and our enduring love for the person they used to be. But sadly this means that we are effectively alongside the crazy train, and it is truly better if we can detach, and watch the wild ride. Understanding the drivers of MLC can helpful, but we can never understand precisely what they are doing and why.

Why does someone abandon their spouse and children, wreck their financial security, and spend time with someone they will sometimes admit they do not even like very much - and other times they are the love of their life?
It is incomprehensible to anyone who values the things in life that most people value. And honestly, wondering WHY does not help. Trust me on that!

At some point it starts to get better: - some of us recognise that we had a pattern of co-dependence that has finally broken. Others see that while the relationship was good, their spouse was gradually falling through the cracks of life. It has been said, and truly, that it is our journey, and we should use the time they are in lala-land wisely. They may never come out.

Which brings me to the final point - our longing for another relactionship, to fill the gaps in our life, and help us to feel better about ourselves. Be careful here. Remember, it takes time to heal, and the challenge is to learn to be alone and like it. We are responsible for our own happiness although the actions of another can cause us to be unhappy, it isn't a reason for saying there.

I wish none of us had to walk this path. I cannot say, as some do, that I would not have missed it, but I have learned a lot about myself, made a large number of new friends, and am enjoying my new life, and looking forward to the future. I have one of those spouses who is firmly stuck on the crazy train, and I have accepted it, and let go.