listen to Mach, he's telling it like it is. And this spin of yours below is the opposite of how I'd read it as a woman. Why are you damning yourself at every turn? Stop the mind reading.
Or at least change it into happy mind reading, like "Ooooh, that Crimson looks so fine, I wish I could have him right now!" types of thoughts. At least it'd be fun then...you are reminding me of Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh...knock it off.
(There, was that direct enough?)
Originally Posted By: Crimson
To answer your question, by the way, she did comment on the lack of decorations in the box I handed over. she e-mailed me this morning and said not to worry about it for this Christmas, but when I am taking stuff down just set hers aside. I know it's looking too far into the future, but that bummed me out thinking that we will STILL be at the place or worse next Christmas, too.
so go through them now, together. Dividing them up does not solidify things for a divorce, and parcing them out this way (ie YOU deciding) it makes it look like you are deciding who gets what, which smacks of control. B/C it is...
Why not Make it a non crappy time together, with some light drinks and snacks and candles lit, Christmas music going on, and together do it? If you must, tell son you are putting them in "two boxes, so he can have 2 trees that look nice". Cliched reassurances? yes Sure --it is-- but he's not even 2...
The initial point of her e-mail was to ask to change the exchange time for the baby this weekend because she is going to drive to LA (5-6 hours) to visit one of her friends. Actually, it's one of her friends that I really bonded with and miss in this process. ^^^sounds GOOD to me! This friend will sow a seed (or 2539 seeds) in her brain. Don't expect a 180 from her soon - but know that the friend will wonder wth is going on that your w HAD to leave you...and if the friend knows any of your w's background, that may come up too...
She always wanted to make the drive out to see her, but between the baby and me not wanting to cram in a car for 6 hours I never wanted to. I guess she is using this as some time to get done some things she has wanted to do that maybe I made hard to accomplish.
good. Better now than never. And don't think for a minute you won't be missed on the trip. I've made cross country trips with 2 kids under the age of 4 without h, (Army stuff) and it's no picnic.
YES It is too bad you did not make time for it, but hey, lesson learned. Show her that you see that the trip is a good thing now, (assuming she doesn't go nuts with the baby and there's no snow on the way). Don't rain on her parade. Show her the awakening...
I once had to have a friend fly out with me to make a cross country trip b/c it was so HARD to do with a small one in back, and I had two and they had the Chicken pox...damn that was a long trip.
But you know what? Mostly I recall my loyal friend and I laughing at night in the hotel, the kids splashing around in a pool, and playing games (and NOT scratching their pox, b/c the doctor had given me some GOOD stuff for them).
Trust me, She'll very much notice your absence...
Paternal me wants to make sure her car is running OK, but it's brand new - that's probably why she is making the trip. I replied but didn't mention the trip at all. The trip sounds like a fun thing that is not a threat to you.Embrace it. Support it. Show your w a 180....(see, there are opportunities in this that you may be missing).
----Buying the car without me was a big deal I think, since I was always involved in that type of thing with her. That, paired with her trip, makes me want to believe that she is flourishing without me and happy to be alone. Again, I know I am thinking too much here.
HEY EYORE, STOP THAT STINKIN' THINKIN'...why can't you be happy for her growth? She needs it.
Maybe she learned something from you and the past car transactions. Ever think she might be glad about that? (And Maybe your ego is a little too fragile here and a little too self centered. You are making it all about you).
I'd bet a lot that she wished you were there, but was proud of herself afterwards. So she grew from it. You need that to happen.
and um, So, how is YOUR program going now?
Crimson
Hang in there Crimson, and don't read so much into things. Goodness...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have been reading your first thread Crimson and have to say I am with you and know what exactly what you are going through at a time like this. This is a great place to vent and have some really great people on here to hold your hand and walk you through your own mind and life.
Good luck
Back to reading your first thread and trying to catchup
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
25 - I strongly doubt she would be open to having a few drinks and sorting out ornaments. As noted, at this stage she only wants to talk about the baby or the pending D.
Durning my pre-DB phase, I reached out to the friend she is visiting via text. Basically to tell her that I was not "abusive" to Sara, etc. - I know, bad move at the time. She herself is divorced (H had a PA and a nice little porn addiction) and remarried. She replied to my text by saying "This might actual be better for you in the long run". Granted, what DO you say to an idiot that texted you about a pending D? So I don't know if the trip will benefit me much, but this friend and I really hit it off well and got along great - ditto on her new husband. Maybe it could work to my favor - I dunno.
I know I am reading into things too much - it's something that we type A's do. Remember my comment about the perpetual search for cause and effect relationships? I keep trying to take small pieces of things and weave them into a picture that makes sense. Foolish - yes, I know. I am working on stopping.
Our S won't be going with her on the trip. I will have him that weekend. I did, however, contemplate asking her if she wanted to take him. Do you think she'll even think of me if the baby ISN'T going??
What program? My GAL? Good! I went to my company Christmas party at a nice resort this weekend and actually brought a date (old friend, nothing romantic at all) and stayed over night. Gambled, had a few cocktails, a great dinner and a lot of fun. Went on a nice long hike with a friend, and this coming weekend I'm going to take my son to see Christmas lights at the zoo. I even made New Year's Eve plans already with some friends to see some Cirque Du Soleil crap with the music of Michael Jackson. Hell, I even forced myself to go bowling with the sales group from my office last week. I'm trying to say "yes" to everything and force myself to go.
What program? My GAL? Good! I went to my company Christmas party at a nice resort this weekend and actually brought a date (old friend, nothing romantic at all) and stayed over night. Gambled, had a few cocktails, a great dinner and a lot of fun. Went on a nice long hike with a friend, and this coming weekend I'm going to take my son to see Christmas lights at the zoo. I even made New Year's Eve plans already with some friends to see some Cirque Du Soleil crap with the music of Michael Jackson. Hell, I even forced myself to go bowling with the sales group from my office last week. I'm trying to say "yes" to everything and force myself to go.
Crimson - you're reminding me of Jim Carrey in the movie "Yes Man"! Ha-ha
"do you think she'll even think of me if the baby isn't going"
You have got to stop that. Stop trying to get into head regarding her emotions towards you.
Read this over and over, Crimson. I know these are difficult times but just keep doing the next right thing. Eventually this does get easier but it takes time. And I think you want to be a better, stronger person on the other side.
Use the 24 hour rule: whenever you want to contact her wait 24 hrs (unless, of course, it's an emergency)
You can do this!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for the feedback and support, folks. I both need and appreciate it.
Here is the paradox of DB'ing that I am trying to embrace. Most of us are here because we are on the receiving end of a D or S and we WANT our spouse back. Yet, in order to meet this objective you need to stop thinking about your spouse and start focusing on yourself. It's like taking a left turn to eventually go right. Feels weird, but I am committed to it at this point.
Rick89 - I was thinking the same thing. That is kinda how I am trying to live my life right now!
You need to stop thinking about your spouse and start focusing on yourself. It's like taking a left turn to eventually go right. Feels weird, but I am committed to it at this point.
That's exactly right! And good for you for realizing that at this stage! And good for you for being committed to it! You must do what you described above regardless of whether or not things work out with the marriage. It is ALWAYS a great investment when you invest in yourself!!!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I hear you loud and clear, antlers. The problem is I have not arrived at the point where I don't care if my M works out. Granted, I know that I will live either way - but from the depth of my living soul I am hopeful that it works out over time. I get the feeling that you almost need to detach to the point of ambivalence. I'm striving to get there, but since I still get shook up when I see her I probably am not there just yet.
