Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

As my name implies, I'm stuck in the middle. My H of 7 years (9 years together) has decided that 'he's not attracted to me anymore' and 'doesn't feel "that way" about me'... here's a brief overview of my situation:
The first 2 years of our marriage was overshadowed by the birth of my first son and suffering from severe post-pardum depression (it went undiagnosed for 18 months). Unfortunately, the side-effect of this were devastating to my H and our M. I was mean, yelling all the time. He didn't want to come home because he said he never knew what 'personality' would be waiting for him. I was finally able to get medication and start to feel 'normal' again, but the damaging foundation had already been laid. Over the next 5 years, his hurt/anger from my attacks and crazy behavior and my lack of interest in anything physical, built up in him and affected every communication we had- which usually ended up with me yelling. I am not proud of my actions in our marriage, nor do I try to excuse them. Regardless of why or what happened.... the fact is: he got rejected and hurt. We are a proud military family and live over 800 miles away from the nearest family member- so we have had to become each other's support system. This took a turn for the worse when we moved to our most recent assignment 2 years ago. He had it. I had it. I left to stay at a friend's house (while they were on vacation) so I could clear my head and think about what I really wanted... 1 week later, I came back ready to give it my best and work this out. (come to find out recently: during that week, my H was seriously considering filing for D). I found out I was pregnant soon after I came home, so we decided that there was no choice but to suck it up and hope for the best. Because of my post-pardum issues before, we worked out a plan with my doctor to treat me asap after birth to ease the drama, it worked. My second son was born and I didn't go into rages or yelling fits. My H would continue to tell me that he wasn't happy and that something needed to change, but I never understood how bad it really was for him. We both started individual counseling early this year (Feb) and I was seeing some amazing changes in him- how he interacted with me and he was able to finally put words to his emotions and communicate more effectively. I was thinking that we were headed down the right path, finally. Then in July, he said he wanted to separate. He said that through his counseling, he had discovered how unhappy he really was and that he needed to be able to 'be in charge of his own happiness'. He was really concerned that our yelling/fighting was taking a toll on our now 5 year old (I could disagree with him), so we agreed that we would focus on our communication for the sake of the kids. We started joint counseling. (I have continued with Individual counseling to work on my anger issues and he decided that he got what he he needed from his individual counselor, so he stopped.) He moved out. I sold my business so I could focus all my energies on my kids and M (seems dramatic, but because of other work-related issues, I had been thinking about selling anyways.) I was learning to be a stay-at-home mom, housekeeper and trying desperately to do a 180 on my personality (not for him, but so I could be proud of myself again.)
During our separation (nothing legal, just a verbal agreement), we didn't have sex, we would kiss and hug upon greeting and leaving (but no make-out sessions), we split the time with kids (he's an AMAZING dad and has never tried to get out of his responsibilities), we had family dinners 4 times a week, date night 1 time a week and planned family events for the weekends. I joined a gym (because of this, I discovered some severe medical problems- more on that later), gave up soda and was more conscience of what I was eating. I started to 'take pride' in myself: did my hair and makeup when I left the house and tried not to always be in PJs when he would come over. I was very hopeful that things were finally going in the right direction: I was discovering where my anger had been coming from (control issues and childhood emotional traumas), I was learning how to be a better listener and communicate so that he felt he was being heard and validated... I was really proud of our new relationship. We had not had a fight in 4 months! There were disagreements, but because of my new 'skills' I was able to keep them from spinning out of control and we were able to resolve things quickly and calmly.
Then the world was pulled out from under me: 4 months into it, he said "I'm done." He said that he had become happy during our separation, having his own time and space was making him comfortable. He said he liked not having to worry about coming home to a 'hostile environment'.
I did all the wrong things: I begged, pleaded, cried, tried to talk to him all the time... for a week. He was not going to budge. Meanwhile, we were still in joint counseling and our counselor said that she was 'surprised' by this decision (that made me feel better, but it made him mad.) Somehow I was able to convince him that he hadn't given us a fair shot- that he made his decision without experiencing our 'real' marriage: my new found love for affection and sex, me now being comfortable being vulnerable and with my body issues... all the things I had been working on in my individual therapy since Feb. He agreed to give me 1 month and move back in (turns out, he also couldn't afford his new place anymore.) He said he would take down his 'walls' and open up his mind and heart to the possible. The first week was great (in my mind). We had amazing sex, were talking all the time and we weren't fighting. After 5 days, he said that he wasn't really comfortable with being so intimate and having sex... so he wanted to back off from that. Week 2 happened to be Thanksgiving and we had family coming to visit. I still kissed and hugged him whenever I wanted and he seemed ok with that- although he didn't initiate too much. The stress of the family visit got to both of us and we got in a fight (the first one in almost 6 months.) He admitted to me that his feelings weren't changing. He said that he 'wasn't attracted to me anymore'. I asked if it was a physical thing- he said no, but that it was a combination of personality and physical. He said he would still give me 2 more weeks because he had promised- but I wasn't stupid to think that anything would change at that point and he would just be going through the motions. He said that he will always love and respect me as the mother of his children and that I will probably always be his best friend (that's my consolation prize)
Here's where things stand right now:
-He's living in the guest room
-We are going to joint counseling every other week. With the goal being to make sure we 'do things right' for the kids.
-He's up for orders right now and won't know where he's going for another month. He will either get orders to stay here in town- in which case, he will start looking for a new place. Or he will get orders to go overseas for a year, in which case he will live here in the house until June and then leave.
-No papers have been signed. We live in a state that requires a 1 year legal separation before Divorce papers can be filed.
-He's talked to a lawyer to get information, and has shared everything with me.
-We have split up the bank accounts. I still receive a salary as part of my business buyout for another year, so at least I have some of my own money.
{I know this is really long, thanks for reading this far. I feel the need to get out all the little details so that my situation is clear}
-We have agreed not to date anyone until papers have been signed. I have NO interest in dating, and he claims to not have any motivation to date at this time. We have a few mutual friends, and through some detective work (I know it's not good to spy) I found out that he is not dating anyone. There is a girl in his office that he has had to become a mentor for and I've always told him that I think she has other intentions. He says that he's not her type and has no interest in her... but now that that things are so broken with us, I'm afraid that his heart and mind might be open to new possibilities

In regards to my medical situation: I wasn't able to work out for longer than 15 minutes before I got weak and my arms and feet would start to go numb. Many tests and referrals later: It was discovered that I have a hole in my heart and possible pulmonary hypertension. My H has been to all my procedures and appointments. He says that he wants to be there with me through all of this and that we won't sign any papers until I am medically fit (because of insurance.) I joked with him that we might have to be separated for a few years before he can file for D, he said that was ok. I have another month of procedures/tests to really diagnose the problem... then who knows what I need to go through to fix the problems. All this extra stress is taking a toll on me. I still become overwhelmed by crying fits- which I try to control until I can get away from the kids and not in front of him- usually I let it all out in the shower. But I sometimes hyperventilate and have a hard time recovering my breath. A few times he's heard me and he will come in and sit with me until it passes. I think that he's worried about me passing out and wants to make sure he's there in case I do.

I discovered DB a little too late I spent this past week reading the whole thing and I'm mad that I didn't find this during our separation- it would have helped a lot. I have started to try the 180 steps, and he doesn't have any reaction- he seems relieved that he doesn't have to talk to me. He hasn't made an effort to reach out to me. I know that it takes time for them to react, I am working on being patient... but the pain of 'rejection' is awful. Can DB still help? I am so much more comfortable in my body and mind now. I feel like myself again after all the therapy I've gone through. He suffered for so long, I want him to be rewarded for hanging in there with me all these years and experience the M that we have both always wanted- but now I know how to do.