Anyone heard from Denver or nine??

[25yearsmlc]

The more I write the worse I feel, in part.

It brings up old feelings that are terrible and dark, and then some good ones, and then some more bad ones. Then some teaching points I guess.

I am amazed at how hard it is for me to write this all out, and yet a part of me thinks it's going to be a good thing to finish.

Not that it's a novel, but just looking back at how I thought then, what I let go of and maybe what I'm still holding onto, brings up a lot.

Another learning point.

I often tell people not to keep looking back. Keeps you stuck in the past and the victimhood. Once you learned YOUR part, move along.

Well, I think I am right.

The other night I stared at H in a near fury, about something he did 5 years ago. I began to get mad all over again. How crazy is that? Thank God I stopped myself and said, "time for a walk"...

I literally had to remind myself "Oh yeah, you forgave that & he had his own perspective, remember?"

So yeah, looking backwards is a great way to stay sad/mad and not move forward.

[2thepoint]

25 - First, I wanted to thank you for your post about Retrovaille. You provided exactly what I was looking for and I may still have some questions but will save them for another time and thread.

Second, your post above had me thinking about you and the time and effort you put into repairing your M. You have imparted a tremendous amount of wisdom, advice, caution and common sense to a lot of posters on this forum; some directly and others indirectly. I have been the beneficiary of both!

What has me thinking is your most current post about how "the more you write, the worse you feel, in part." The fact that you post so often and really dig deep into the threads of other posters in order to provide the best advice and perspective seems to really take its toll on you. Or, is it that you are simply referring to your idea about laying out your story in a new thread and that that task is what is weighing heavy on your mind?

Anyway, regardless of which it is, I have visions of you that remind me of the movie Ghost. The Patrick Swayze character learns how to enter the body of a living person in order to communicate with the person he loves. Except that when he does this, he expends so much energy that when he finally exits the body of the living person he is so drained of energy that he is practically immobile.

Is this how you are feeling? You give so much of yourself to others that you seem to be tearing open your own old wounds. Is that healthy?

So, I'm just interested in your thoughts on this.

Take care!

[25yearsmlc]

thanks for your interest 2,

25 - First, I wanted to thank you for your post about Retrovaille. You provided exactly what I was looking for and I may still have some questions but will save them for another time and thread.

by all means, do so. I believe in Retrovaille a lot. Didn't see anyone Not benefit.

Second, your post above had me thinking about you and the time and effort you put into repairing your M. You have imparted a tremendous amount of wisdom, advice, caution and common sense to a lot of posters on this forum; some directly and others indirectly. I have been the beneficiary of both!

What has me thinking is your most current post about how "the more you write, the worse you feel, in part." The fact that you post so often and really dig deep into the threads of other posters in order to provide the best advice and perspective seems to really take its toll on you.

2, I usually get a lot out of doing this. Professionally, I counsel people anyhow. Plus this particular board helped ME a lot back then. There were about 5 people, including 2 men who were SO helpful and gave me faith in men too. So sure, I pay it forward.

Yes There are people who frustrate me and sometimes I move on and sometimes I beat my head against the wall.

There are also some who so bring me down, and I can't even go there. Like it's too dark for me. Too reminiscent for me? Sure Sometimes. But for those people I usually stick around b/c I know that I've been there and now I'm not.

Other times it's b/c I feel that they are so deeply needy OR so resistant to changing themselves, that this board cannot do enough for them and I wonder if there's any point...

But the reason I think this is harder for me now....is below


Or, is it that you are simply referring to your idea about laying out your story in a new thread and that that task is what is weighing heavy on your mind?

it's this^^^..... as I look back at my old posts, I find myself wondering how much I have let go of. Even though I don't look back often (and my sister complimented me on that today as a matter of fact), but when I do, I hurt.

I am reminded of the worst emotional experience I ever had. It's like studying the plane crash you survived and even though you survived, you were deeply injured and took a long time to recover. Make sense?



I'm going to see my old mc this week b/c I want to touch base with him and do an "after action" report if you know what I mean...I want to be sure what I think I learned. If I could, I'd call my old DB coach but she retired.

Anyway, regardless of which it is, I have visions of you that remind me of the movie Ghost. The Patrick Swayze character learns how to enter the body of a living person in order to communicate with the person he loves. Except that when he does this, he expends so much energy that when he finally exits the body of the living person he is so drained of energy that he is practically immobile.

Is this how you are feeling? You give so much of yourself to others that you seem to be tearing open your own old wounds. Is that healthy?

So, I'm just interested in your thoughts on this.

Take care!

see thoughts above.

Thanks for your compliments and I'm glad if you were helped.

[Valeska19]

25
Why do you feel the need to share your story with us? I mean, in general, I know you will find it beneficial to others.. but is there something specific that you feel your story would bring that your answers to specific posts wouldn't?

It makes alot of sense that it still hurts when you think about it... I wouldn't say that isn't because you haven't let go though.

Bare with me as I go off on a small biblical tangent. Something my pastor said to me that really hit home. I'll share because I know you put alot of faith in God.

He was talking about Jesus and when he went to raise Lazarus from the dead. Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus... he even waited a few days to show just how powerful his God was... yet when he arrived in the town and saw everyone weeping... Jesus wept for Lazarus.

Isn't that crazy?? he knew that all was going to be well... and he still was sad, he still hurt over the loss. Why would he do that?? Because even though he was God.. he was still human.

I guess my point is that if Jesus could still feel pain even though joy was right around the corner... and he was God.. then I'm pretty sure you can feel pain from the rough patch in your marriage.. but still have let go.

Why??... cause you're human and because we know that we were made in HIS image... ALL of it.

I agree with you not to dwell on the past.. and would completely understand the need for you to take a break from the board.. especially if it is negatively affecting you and your own growth.

You'll figure out what's the next best move for 25. That.. I have no doubt in my mind.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

Great analogy Val, (although I hope that doesn't sound like I'm comparing myself to Jesus. I'm not). You are right, I don't "have" to bare my soul. Geez, people can track that stuff down if they want. But

the Thing is, several specific questions have been asked of me about when "x" occurred and if "y" worked or hurt, background things, etc. And my views are more detached and objective now, I think.

I know people want to hear happy endings even if it was once very dark. I get that. I needed it too.With the benefit of time we do forget how sad and angry we once were. Hard to believe I could forget it.

BTW, when I say "happy endings" that's not to say all is smooth sailing all the time.

In a way, if by piecing you mean rebuilding, then I think piecing is permanent - except that I Know we are both committed to the marriage.
The uncertainty is gone, without the taking for granted that can come with that certainty. I'm anti-complacency for sure.

I think strong marriages are always a work in progress, and marriages are an ebb and flow, evolving type of process.

It's never a "solved puzzle".

But I can't keep hijacking other's threads
(like I'm doing here! sheesh, I AM! OMG!...)


Val, your post helped there, so thanks. I'll still see the old mc, whom I have not seen in 5 years. Wow...the first 20 min will be catch up...I need an extra long appointment!


Coincidentally, My h and I are facing a family issue/crisis (NOT the m, thankfully) at this time.

I know that DB methods of detachment and surrendering, and reacting to what IS and not what we fear, will assist. Maybe the "review" (shared or not) will grant me some perspective.

Cross your fingers and send some prayers.
thanks again

((( )))