I'm with antlers on this one - outright lying is treating someone like a doormat, particularly as I needed to leave work early to be home as she was "working".
Not really said much to each other over the weekend as W was working most of the time (conversation was all light and about the girls) - kept the girls entertained by playing games and did some baking yesterday.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
My parents have very little money - every so often they send a lot of money for them as gifts for the girls (they send over British pounds), we keep this in a drawer and then usually exchange it to buy the girls one big gift each.
They sent over some money for the girls birthdays and Christmas - I went to add it to the money already there and there wasn't any. I asked my W where the money went and she said she spent it on horseback riding and other outings for the girls.
So my W spent this without telling me, or telling the girls it was a specific gift from their grandparents. In the meantime she has been putting less of her money (she gets paid mainly in cash) towards general household expenses and used it to pay the retainer for the lawyer. She admitted that she used $2,000 of money she had set aside (though I suspect it was more) and withdrew the rest from her stocks (pre-marraige).
Oh and in the meantime - she asked me to increase the amount I put towards general household expenses this summer - because we didn't have enough month to month.
Nice - my parents and I are paying for her L's retainer.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
I hope from this point forward that you are not going to keep any cash around for her to get her hands on. I think I would be very angry if my w did this. How did you respond? Hats off to you if you maintained your cool but I think this should be addressed.
I told her that it was inappropriate to have done that.
Even if it was to pay for outings etc, she should have told the girls that they were paid for by their grandparents.
I maintained my cool for most of the conversation - but told her that her behavior was inappropriate.
The conversation did veer towards R talk (primarily due to finances and how things would be handled) - I asked her what her goals were, her response "I don't know", I then asked "why is D going to help you achieve what you want", her response "I don't know - I just know that I don't love you and that you shouldn't be married to someone you don't love".
Fair enough I guess. Continue to try to work on me and let her figure out what she wants.
And no - there will be no more cash lying around, but as she is paid primarily in cash - it's easy for her to not pay her share and put things on CC's which will eventually become joint debt.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
The conversation did veer towards R talk (primarily due to finances and how things would be handled) - I asked her what her goals were, her response "I don't know", I then asked "why is D going to help you achieve what you want", her response "I don't know - I just know that I don't love you and that you shouldn't be married to someone you don't love".
This sounds exactly like a parent scolding a child.
It would appear that you don't know what you want as well. You say you want to save the M, but then you do baffling things in the world of DB.
One thing is sure, you certainly aren't going to save any marriage by arguing financial logic with her. Or showing her how bad off financially she will be, because to her it's worth any price.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Peter I'm guilty of doing the same dumb things. i know how hard it is but every time I try to negotiate with my W she pulls further away. I had some screw ups latetly and she is back to being an ice block. Gabbysmom asked some good question that I had to re read several times and try an answer myself.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Regarding "dumb things" we do, and mistakes we make in these circumstances....every positive action you take outweighs by at least ten times each mistake you make. And believe me, positive actions in these situations are about YOU! Do things for YOU! Nothing you say to them will matter much at all...actions speak louder than anything, so STFU! Make better decisions...that means to drop that load that you have absolutely no control over, and start genuinely taking care of you and your needs. Talking doesn't mean sh!t anymore. You acted your way into this crap, and you have to act (actions) your way out of it. Even if the marriage doesn't survive, this is something you still must do to move forward. You gotta do it if things are ever gonnna work out with the marriage, and you gotta do it if they don't! So it's a win-win situation....DO IT.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I love my W very much - I love the person she truly is not the person she has become over the last few months.
Quote:
Why do you want to save this M? For the kids? Or because this is a woman you truly love and you want a stronger M with?
Both of the above - I want a stronger M with my W and I want my kids to have a full-time mum and dad sharing the same home.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Regarding "dumb things" we do, and mistakes we make in these circumstances....every positive action you take outweighs by at least ten times each mistake you make. And believe me, positive actions in these situations are about YOU! Do things for YOU! Nothing you say to them will matter much at all...actions speak louder than anything, so STFU! Make better decisions...that means to drop that load that you have absolutely no control over, and start genuinely taking care of you and your needs. Talking doesn't mean sh!t anymore. You acted your way into this crap, and you have to act (actions) your way out of it. Even if the marriage doesn't survive, this is something you still must do to move forward. You gotta do it if things are ever gonnna work out with the marriage, and you gotta do it if they don't! So it's a win-win situation....DO IT.
This is so very true!! I have found that my H pretty much hears nothing that I say any longer, I have had to repeat myself (at his request) quite a few times. I keep thinking "i already told you this" It is very bizarre!
Yet when I do something thoughtful or a 180, he notices and it remains. Actions absolutely do speak louder, that goes for us and them.
Same w/ me Autumn. My waw has never been as forgetful as she is now. I used to be the one to forget things but now she is always repeating things and re-asking questions, very bizzare. Not sure if she is disinterested or just having trouble focusing. In any event the actions do speak louder not only to the WAS but to ourselves as well.
