WCF - glad to see you have some good things going on. Good move setting up the appointment to talk to the L. It probably wouldn't hurt to keep the appointment to make sure everything is kosher with the separation agreement and converting it do a D. Sounds like your EAP is really coming through for you.
Things are going very well on the social front. I haven't heard from the Kirby girl in a while, so I left a message on her answering machine. I plan to get her last name so I can add her as a friend on FB at least, but maybe we'll hang out some more, too.
Also, at work today, the girl I work with who got D'd asked me if I got something in the inter-office mail run from another girl who I used to work with at a different branch. This girl also got D'd and cheated on (seems to be a running trend); I will admit that I'm pretty attracted to her, both in looks and personality (she seems very kind). I told her no, I hadn't gotten anything in the mail; why? She replied, "Oh, no reason." I must admit, this seemed kind of mysterious, so we'll see what happens next week.
After work, I went out to the shopping mall in a nearby town and joined all the fellow NaNo writers for the TGIO ("Thank God It's Over") party at Old Country Buffet. It was fantabulous! I ate lots of good food, had great conversations with writers and "support systems" (family members) alike, and even got invited numerous times to a weekly writing group that carries on the NaNo tradition throughout the year. I'm thinking that I'll have to go whenever possible. All in all, I was very happy with the evening's events.
I will also mention that I seem to be detaching from my W at an almost surprising rate. After actively choosing to keep her out of my mind, I find myself barely thinking of her at all during the day. When I encountered reminders like hearing "our" song (the one we danced to at our wedding), it used to plunge me into the dumps. Today, I was walking by a calendar kiosk at the mall and spotted a Dave Barry 365-day calendar that I would have assuredly gotten my W for X-mas had we still been together. (W is a huge Dave Barry fan.) I glanced at it, felt a tiny pang, but then forgot about it until now.
I'm not complaining. I feel way happier now than I did months back. It's just strange, is all. I never thought I'd feel this way about her, ever.
Off to take a late-nite walk to burn off some of the buffet feast -- I'm still so full!
Got a text from my W today. "We need to talk about the auto loan paperwork at some point." I got it at 9 o'clock and didn't feel like dealing with it then, so I went back to bed for three more hours. After I woke up, I sent her one back saying "What for?"
I went exercising for an hour, got back, still didn't get a response. It wasn't until after I'd eaten breakfast and started to clean my rabbit's cage that I got a reply: "Look it would just be easier for us to talk on the phone."
I rolled my eyes, expecting a repeat of the convos we've been having for the last six months: us talking business for a while, her trying to pry into my life, me attempting to disengage, and then her launching into a vicious tirade.
Strangely, that's not what happened.
W informed me that the paperwork I sent her is for taking her name off of the title, not the loan, and that she can't take her name off of the title without taking it off of the loan first. Also, I signed the paperwork before I sent it, and it clearly says on the papers that both parties must be present with the notary to sign. I told W that I would hash things out with the bank later on and told her to set the paperwork off to the side for now.
Also, W mentioned that we will just have to be joint on our credit cards until the balance on them are paid off. She intimated that we may have to do the same for the auto loan.
As a final note, W told me that we aren't actually able to finalize the D paperwork until six months after the legal S hearing, which was in September. So we won't be able to D until March. She said, "So if you were planning on getting remarried between that time, you're out of luck." She paused and said, "That was a joke. Not funny?" I didn't laugh at it but at least appreciated her attempts at levity.
She said that if I was planning on getting copies of the S paperwork, she would appreciate getting photocopies of those if at all possible. I told her that I was probably planning on getting copies, so I could do that for her.
She then inquired about the rabbit, and I indulged her because she was being unusually nice. We also discussed the cat, who I could hear meowing in the background.
W asked me about the visit with her parents and the e-mail to her granny; she wanted to know "why" I did it. (The interrogating tone was gone; it sounded more curious than anything.) I simply explained that I hadn't talked to them in a while and didn't think that we would maintain contact after the D, so I just wanted to get in touch to say "thanks for everything." W told me that she didn't think that in-laws "got that" intent out of it (ooookay...), but that she thought they appreciated it and didn't think they expected to keep up contact with me. I told her that I didn't think that, either.
She said, "Well, I guess that's everything--" But I accidentally interrupted her. She asked what I was going to say, and I said, "Well, you caught me in the middle of cleaning the bunny's cage, so I'm going to get back to doing that." W said okay, we said bye to each other, then hung up.
This convo with her seemed different for some reason. Though she never apologized for the last few venom-fests, she accepted that I was getting off of the phone when I was without throwing a tantrum, and she also didn't accuse me of "cutting her and her parents" out of my life again, for which I was glad. This convo generally seemed warmer and more cordial than usual, without the heavy tones of manipulation and power games that I've become used to.
Hm. Does any of this mean anything? I guess we'll see.
Yes you will see. Be thankful for the warmth and the lack of venom.
As always.. try to have no expectations and keep your heart guarded.
Make sure what she is saying in regards to titles and credit cards and such is Absolutely true. You need to protect yourself financially... ESPECIALLY..from a WAS.
I'm sure there are ways to split up debt w/o having to pay it off first.
Just something to keep in your brain. I know it suxx but splitting financials was one of the smartest moves I made throughout this process.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Make sure what she is saying in regards to titles and credit cards and such is Absolutely true. You need to protect yourself financially... ESPECIALLY..from a WAS.
Very good advice, Val. I'm already looking into it. What's weird is that I've spent so much time of my life trusting this woman, and now I'm in a place where I have to second-guess everything she says. It feels very strange.
Not too much to report. I have ramped up my exercise regimen; last night, despite the winter cold and the darkness, I threw on a yellow reflector vest and went for an amazing jog. It's getting easier as I keep it up! I also worked out in my apartment complex's "fitness center." I can feel and see myself getting stronger!
I really want to make working out a project. I've never been very happy with the way that I've looked; I used to feel very fat and unattractive growing up. Unfortunately, I used to enjoy neglecting exercise, stuffing my face with junk, and sitting around playing video games all day. Now, I'm at a place where I'm starting to dig exercise, I eat very healthy, and I can no longer afford video games. And I now have tons of time on my hands!
Work has been really good. We were audited recently, and I answered all of the auditor's questions correctly, so I felt great about that. There are also some great work-related GAL activities coming up.
I have been really keeping up my writing. The last few days, I've been writing anywhere from 700-1000 words a night. My new mantra: "Write at least 500 a day, even if it's garbage." The garbage eventually leads to the good stuff anyway.
I have a three-day weekend, so I'm planning to keep very busy. I have the doctor's appointment and the lawyer's appointment tomorrow; I also intend to buy some new shoes, as my current pair are almost two years old(!).
For whatever reason, my detachment has hit a temporary snag. I'm finding that I'm struggling with a lot of feelings of revulsion and anger at my W's A and what she's "doing over there." I think this might be because I always figured that her A would dry up by now given MWD's statement, "Most affairs end within six months." But the marker of month 6 is next week.
Of course, I understand that each sitch is unique and that there should be zero expectations; I just never thought that this thing would go this far. Maybe I'm frustrated because of that. And perhaps I'm still frustrated that my W tries to control me and keep tabs on me just the same. And STILL exhibits zero guilt, and STILL believes that I have no reason to feel the things that I do about her choices.
I'm planning on going out to the movies a lot in the next few months to watch all of the movies nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. This will hurt as this became one of our favorite things to do this time of year (both W and I are big movie buffs), but I want to keep up the tradition for my own sake. (I also see it as a bit of a nose-thumbing toward OM. W described him as being wholly uninterested in the Oscars, so I don't see her successfully dragging him to these high-class art flicks. It sounds like all he likes is Johnny Depp movies and anime. )
Figured that I should update while all of this is fresh. Today was a very good day.
First off, I went out to the doc's and got my physical taken care of. I was not aware that I need to fast for my cholesterol check and ate Jack in the Box on the way there, so I have to come back in for that. But otherwise, I'm as healthy as an ox. My blood pressure was 110/62, which I'm told is really good. Also, I noticed that my weight was 210 -- about fifteen pounds lighter than I was when I measured earlier this year.
I then went to the credit union and talked to the rep who has been helping me out this whole time. What she told me basically proves that my W has everything very mixed-up for no reason. I had dropped this rep's card in the envelope when I sent it to W, writing directly on it, "CALL IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS." Yet despite W's confusion, she never called her. Also, as I understand it, we are pretty able to split the credit card debt between ourselves as long as we re-finance in our own names. WTF? What's going on in her head?
I stopped at Goodwill and bought a bunch of books for less than $20, then went to the mall and bought two new pairs of shoes. (When I got home, I threw out my only pair, which had lasted for nearly 2 years if I'm calculating correctly.)
After that, I met with the lawyer. He went through the legal S paperwork and said that basically everything was solid. Technically, W can go after my work IRA, but it's not worth much right now, so it wouldn't be worth the effort. Also, I doubt she remembers it at all. (I'm thinking about rolling that IRA over to my personal credit union just to be sure. Don't want her coming back after ten years when I've amassed thousands.)
I asked him about the furniture, the DVDs, and the kitchen stuff. He said that because none of that stuff was put down in the S paperwork and because neither of us can technically prove how anything was purchased, it's considered "joint property." He said that the best thing for us to do is to split it as politely as we can, as we are typically entitled to half of everything that was acquired during the M. It's not worth it for W to sue me for anything, and despite her arguments, she has no legal right to any of what I currently have.
So, basically, I'm feeling much less fearful of her power games. She can't really touch me. I realize that I'm very fortunate because of this, and I thank God that I came out with barely a scratch. (Financially, anyway. )
After I got home, I worked out, took a shower, ate some dinner, and now I'm here. My weekend's starting off great.
Good for you and glad. My W seems just as confused but never trust a WAWs intentions. Mine kept telling me not to get a L. But the 2x4s from the caring people here told me otherwise. So now she is at an even plane and does not like it. Live and learn.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I think anger is part of the grieving process. It is one we must experience in order to move on. The amount of time spent there differs for everyone.. I believe mine was 4-6 wks. I still get angry now but the feelings are usually triggered vs. an overall feeling.
As you know, the big thing is to not get stuck in the phase. It can and will paralyze your growth if you let it. Until you start feeling that "paralization"... I say feel it!
I'm glad you received good news in regards to assets. I hope you keep building on these good moments.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
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