Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks for your input Abbey. I completely agree with absolutely everything you said. I know too well the shaking that occurs, and the absolute fear of rocking the boat and being discarded again...it's such a debilitating feeling sometimes.

I have listened to the audio book 3 times now...just me by myself in the car on the commute to work and back. It really is an amazing tool that could help H to understand where I'm at emotionally, but not sure how to bring up the fact that I'd like him to listen to it with me.

Right now I can't get out of my head the convo's they had. The horrible way he talked about me to OW, the intimate times they had together (supposedly non-physical only hugging). This had taken place within the last 6 months, and only 3 weeks ago did he make the decision to keep his family. In recent discussions we've had, he's said that he's scared and wonders if he was selfish and asked us (D11 and I) to come back too soon before I'd dealt with everything I needed to. He said he wonders if things are just going to come crashing down again like all of the other times. I told him that since their (H and OW) relationship supposedly ended 3 weeks ago, that he still has to have some sort of feelings for her. They don't just go away, and he said that of course there are still feelings, but that they are going away day by day, and that he is focused on me and us. He also said that it's difficult to turn his back on OW since she was there for him when he needed someone and that's why he said he would still be "cordial" to her at work since they work together, but for me, since he has lied to me about her all this time, I can't trust that he's not still talking to her on their work phones and while he's at the office, or meeting up with her before and after work for a little bit...this all happened the last couple of times that we (H and I) were "working" on us.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I hate it. I just want to feel safe and secure again. I want to feel like I'm the only one for him, and I just don't...

I'm hurting so bad...I just want it to stop...