Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

MZ...wow that could be what I'm experiencing...I read a little on it and found the following:

Post-traumatic stress disorder
PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors

PTSD can occur at any age. It can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as:

Assault

Domestic abuse

Prison stay

Rape

Terrorism

War

The cause of PTSD is unknown. Psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body's response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters).

It is not known why traumatic events cause PTSD in some people but not others. Having a history of trauma may increase your risk for getting PTSD after a recent traumatic event.
Symptoms

Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again

Repeated upsetting memories of the event

Repeated nightmares of the event

Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event

2. Avoidance

Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything

Feeling detached

Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma

Having a lack of interest in normal activities

Showing less of your moods

Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event

Feeling like you have no future

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating

Startling easily

Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you

Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)

Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger

Having trouble falling or staying asleep

You might feel guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"). You might also have some of the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:

Agitation or excitability

Dizziness

Fainting

Feeling your heart beat in your chest

Headache

Whatever it is, I really hate it. I just want to feel like myself again.

H is being very affectionate, and is coming home on time, etc., so I guess it's just me at this point.

I hate these yucky feelings...

[MynameisMZ]

I know sweetie, I know..... I went through the same thing even thought H was coming home on time, if not early. H would check in on me throughout the day, let me know what time he was heading home, bring me flowers. I was CONVINCED they were still in contact. I even thought about getting a key logger and going to his office and putting it on his computer.

dun, dun, dun, dun duh....can you hear the Mission Impossible theme?

It (A) takes a perfectly good woman who is bold, self-assured, witty, accomplished, kind, compassionate.....and turns her into a puddle.

We had a 17 y.o. nephew die in an MVA 2 years ago. You can bet that my sons thought I was an overbearing/over-protective mother.
I was so scared that one of them would die. Irrational? you tell me?

So when the love of your life cheats on you, you bet you are going to feel it. It IS out of the realm of normal when it happens to you.

It does get better.

[MynameisMZ]

"threat of injury" isn't just bodily injury. It can be emotional injury.

Think about the fellows coming home from Iraq. They won't all be physically wounded. They may have emotional scars that have no signs.

Think about the children in our society that live in chaos, drug-dealing parents, abuse and things beyond what we really know. They won't have physical signs, but they will be traumatized.

[FreeBird0120]

This is so true MZ...

Thank you so much for helping to hold me up threw this...it's so healing knowing I'm not alone and that people have made it through what I am currently going through.

You will be a friend for life!!! Thanks so much!!

[MynameisMZ]

How are you?

[FreeBird0120]

Hi MZ:
Sorry I haven't been on here lately. I'm doing okay. Just taking it day by day. Trying to deal with the triggers as they come, and boy does it seem like they've been coming every second sometimes.

Still wondering if H is talking to OW on their work phones, but this I will never know for sure. H claims to be focused on us and that he's happy with his decision, but something in my gut is telling me different. I'm just not sure if this is a "true" gut feeling, or if it's just my paranoia from all of the past lies I've come across with the sitch the last 6 months.

I also feel like I can't get away from any of it. I think about it all day, and then dream about it all night, and the dreams are so vivid and real. I hate it...

I bought an audio book called "After the Affair" that the both of us are supposed to listen to together. It's supposed to help us heal, but I'm afraid to bring it up to him. I know I shouldn't be, but I feel like every time the A is brought up I push him further away...

Enough about me though...how are you MZ?? Hope you're doing well and the holiday season has been treating you well...

HUGS!!

FB

[Abbey]

The PTSD is something I went through as well. Constantly feeling like the doom was around the corner. To this day, I still shake so badly sometimes, that I have to force myself to get up from bed and walk it off.

The emotional fight inside us is so strong that our body just has to do something with the energy... so it revolts.

As for wondering if etc. It's because there is still so much that is unresolved. I am now convinced more than ever, that unless and until the WAS makes total restitution and UNDERSTANDS what they did to you in full bold vibrant colors... it's only then that amends can be made, and the likelihood of it every happening again goes away.

The problem I think we make sometimes is that we're so worn down, so relieved to have them back, that we give in too easily and don't force them to do the work, because we ARE PTSD. Afraid to rock the boat because we know what it feels like to be abandoned and thrown away like garbage. It doesn't feel nice, and so our fear takes over and we become afraid of rocking the boat. It's the mistake I made, and I'm now paying for it.

Your audio book should be listed to by you first. Understand what the book is saying to you so that you have some ammo to utilize with your H to get to the next steps you need to make.

Cheers
Abbey

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks for your input Abbey. I completely agree with absolutely everything you said. I know too well the shaking that occurs, and the absolute fear of rocking the boat and being discarded again...it's such a debilitating feeling sometimes.

I have listened to the audio book 3 times now...just me by myself in the car on the commute to work and back. It really is an amazing tool that could help H to understand where I'm at emotionally, but not sure how to bring up the fact that I'd like him to listen to it with me.

Right now I can't get out of my head the convo's they had. The horrible way he talked about me to OW, the intimate times they had together (supposedly non-physical only hugging). This had taken place within the last 6 months, and only 3 weeks ago did he make the decision to keep his family. In recent discussions we've had, he's said that he's scared and wonders if he was selfish and asked us (D11 and I) to come back too soon before I'd dealt with everything I needed to. He said he wonders if things are just going to come crashing down again like all of the other times. I told him that since their (H and OW) relationship supposedly ended 3 weeks ago, that he still has to have some sort of feelings for her. They don't just go away, and he said that of course there are still feelings, but that they are going away day by day, and that he is focused on me and us. He also said that it's difficult to turn his back on OW since she was there for him when he needed someone and that's why he said he would still be "cordial" to her at work since they work together, but for me, since he has lied to me about her all this time, I can't trust that he's not still talking to her on their work phones and while he's at the office, or meeting up with her before and after work for a little bit...this all happened the last couple of times that we (H and I) were "working" on us.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I hate it. I just want to feel safe and secure again. I want to feel like I'm the only one for him, and I just don't...

I'm hurting so bad...I just want it to stop...

[angel61]

Freebird, give him time. It took time to get to this point, it will take him time to get out of it. Remember, he chose you, he came back.

I think it is a valid point that during the early times of reconciliation, we should not rock the boat too much or else it will fail. Do not let yourself have too much expectations, but set boundaries in a gentle way. Remember you now have time, so in your mind, tell yourself that you will slowly make your way through. He did choose you, so that means in the end that you are the important one. He made a mistake, and realized it, and came back.

I haven't read your sitch but I just wanted to post to support you and share that we all have those feelings of insecurity, especially when OW is involved. I am struggling too, read my sitch as well here in piecing.

Once we have made the decision to take them back, we have to forgive them.

Just wondering, would you and your H be open to doing Retrouvaille? It is working wonders on our relationship.

[FreeBird0120]

Freebird, give him time. It took time to get to this point, it will take him time to get out of it. Remember, he chose you, he came back.

I think it is a valid point that during the early times of reconciliation, we should not rock the boat too much or else it will fail. Do not let yourself have too much expectations, but set boundaries in a gentle way. Remember you now have time, so in your mind, tell yourself that you will slowly make your way through. He did choose you, so that means in the end that you are the important one. He made a mistake, and realized it, and came back.

I haven't read your sitch but I just wanted to post to support you and share that we all have those feelings of insecurity, especially when OW is involved. I am struggling too, read my sitch as well here in piecing.

Once we have made the decision to take them back, we have to forgive them.

Just wondering, would you and your H be open to doing Retrouvaille? It is working wonders on our relationship.

Hello Angel:
Yes I have read your sitch...it's pretty similar to mine in some ways. Do you ever wonder how all of this happened? One minute you're secure in the relationship and think to yourself, "Nothing or no one could ever sever what we have", and the next thing you know your whole world seems turned up-side-down and your don't know which way is up or down.

I am really trying hard to give him time. I'm just feeling so demolished right now. He called me this morning from work and said he wasn't feeling good, and was probably going to leave work early. The first thing that came to my head was, today is OW only day off. Has he contacted her and made plans to meet with her?? My mind just goes to those places and I can't breathe sometimes...

I asked him this morning if he'd fallen back in love with me...(I know such a HUGE backslide), but I just feel like I need to know where I stand. Yes I'm back home because he wanted us home, yes he's been trying to be more affectionate and patient, yes he stated he'd made his decision and had chosen me...so why do I feel the need to mess everything up because I feel like I'm losing my mind??

She was so much more exciting for him. They had so much to talk about. They seemed happy. Maybe still are happy...who knows...Anyways, his answer came after a little giggle and said, "Wow random question asker...YES...I'm here aren't I??"

Not sure how to take his answer, but whatever...

Ready for all of your 2x4's...I know I so desperately need them...and I promise not to be too sensitive with your comments, I just really need to get my head on straight because I feel like I'm losing it!!! HELP!!

Oh and Angel thanks again!! BIG HUGS!!