Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[Valeska19]

I think they do this to try and get a feel for what we're like without them. There is no doubt in my mind that your W, despite her chilly behavior, still wonders what life might be with you, and perhaps even misses some parts of that old life...

This makes sense. I guess only time will tell if she misses me enough to move towards me....

.... lately I've been having a hard time standing still. Part of me is ready to just walk away.

I'm sure that's because of yesterday.

Journal

My Christmas party was a success. It was a little stressful at times. The children were quite sly with their gift selections. Between coordinating lists with people, trading them out, taking gifts to the care.. it was alot. I didn't even get to shop for my kids until 5 hrs in.

I let the stress pretty much roll off of my back.. especially when it got to the point that I couldn't put another toy in my trunk. It was fantastic!

The joy however did not come w/o sadness and especially not w/o anger. My w, who said she wanted to help, didn't. She did reach out to me on Saturday telling me to have a good day and to reiterate how awesome it was. I made some brief small talk about how great it was that God was using me to spread love but left it at that.

This is me venting....

.... I guess I'm angry at her because I was completely prepared to do this event w/o her. I made the decision in my mind. Was completely prepared and then she reaches out to me about not once, but twice.

And I got my hopes up. Not that she would be involved with me.. but that she wouldn't back out of it. That she would put her fear aside and just do it for the kids.

.... I'm also angry that if she was going to back out.. she could have sent me a text. Anytime she has backed out or changed plans since Separation.. I have understood. I could have completely understood it if she would have said "Val.. I know I said I would help, but I can't for x reason." That would have been fine... but this is same thing she did with our rockclimbing adventure in July. That's 5 months ago. I was hoping we would be past that.

I mean I am trying to be so understanding of her and where she is in her 12 steps.. but I mean.. she has been in the program for almost 17 months.. when is she going to be accountable for her actions towards me?

When will she decide to treat me like all her new friends or new people in her life? I can't imagine her bailing on them.

25 - am I being selfish here? Is my timeline off? I guess I'm asking you because you have successful worked a program.

I'm trying to be supportive but this crap hurts. Hit me with a 2x4 or something!

So the first two have to do with her and where she is in her journey - but thirdly I am mad that because of this situation.. I had to battle myself all day yesterday.

I had to battle my co-dependency all day. Texting her asking her why she blew me off or saying - "hey - if you still want to help, we could really use extra wrapping paper".

It was soo hard to not reach out to her as I have always done in the past 9 yrs. To reach down and grab her because she has always been too scared to reach out her own hand.

I just wanted to enjoy the day... and I couldn't because I was fighting my codependency.

And yes I am mad at her and yes I'm purely reacting right now.

But I need to vent so I let go and see how much joy this weekend brought.

It inspired 20 people in LA to buy gifts for children.
It inspired people on this board to get involved in their area.
It inspired my 12 yr old nephew to buy a kid with his own money
It inspired my sister to throw a neighborhood kid party for another 20 kids.

And even though yesterday was probably one of the hardest days in a LONG time... I did overcome my co-dependent behavior. God continues take care of me in that way.

Okay... I'm starting to feel better.