I have been putting a lot of thought into personal introspection these last few days. Naturally, it is difficult because I am finding that it forces you to lay down your defenses and look at your actions through the eyes of your spouse to a certain degree. When the bomb was dropped in September I spent SOOO much time focusing on what was wrong with W (hormones, depression, etc.) - it was a waste. That's not to say that there wasn't/isn't validity to it - but there is nothing I can do about it at all. It was most cheeseless of cheesless tunnels I could find. That said, defenses down - here's some of my introspection about how I landed here.
I was selfish and didn't listen or pay attention to the small signs my W was sending. I operated from the standpoint that as the H, I was supposed to provide and protect and as long as I was doing that I was being a fundamentally good husband. Quote from the W on D day: "you're good at the big things - nice house, providing, finances - but you miss the little things and the little things matter!!". She would ask me to do certain things with her, like walk to the park with the baby and I would claim I was too tired because I just got back from work and just wanted to relax. She always asked me to rub her back and I only did it half the time - the other times I would just say "no" thinking that I was tired, trying to sleep or that she wouldn't do it for me if I asked.
I loved my wife the whole time, but I viewed marriage and fatherhood as responsibility - almost like a wagon that I had to pull. I didn't look at it like I see it now - it's a blessing, a gift, something that needs to be selflessly tended to. With the view I had, it didn't leave a lot of room for sitting back and appreciating my wife for simply being her....for being my wife. It was made worse by the fact that I DO have perfectionist tendencies that drive me. Without intending to, I forced my wife to deal with them. My eye never goes to what's right first - it goes to what I perceive as being wrong first and I go to "fix-it" mode. Stepping outside of myself, I can see how someone else could grow tired of that over time. Eventually, she may have thought that I was doing the same to her - not seeing her pluses, but zeroing in on her minuses and trying to fix them. She has all but said that.
There were moments that if I had an idea in my head, I wouldn't budge if she had a different idea. For example - we have a loft area upstairs in our house. The first time I stepped into the place I INSTANTLY converted it into a small home theater in my head and started making plans. After the baby was born, she wanted to change it to a play area for him with a train table, and other things. I refused to budge - even though we have a big a$$ flat screen and surround sound downstairs. Selfish. No way around it. I wouldn't even give serious thought to making it a play area. A few weeks after she said she wanted a D, I bought a train table and put it in the room and left her a note that I was sorry for being selfigh. But by then it was too late, she was already sleeping in a different room and plotting her escape to her own place. There are other examples I could give of being selfish - but just know that I see it much more clearly now.
We found a church that we both really liked. We would go every now and then - but then she started attending regularly. I didn't go with her. I chose to stay home, not because I had a problem with church but because "I have to be somewhere on time 5 days a week - I just want to enjoy down time on Sunday and not HAVE to be anywhere". I knew she wanted me to go - but I just ignored it. And yes, I would feel guilty - but I didn't change my actions. I put what I wanted above she wanted. Again, it's clear what I did wrong here and I regret it tremendously.
I ignored her subtle suggestions of things she liked me to do for her. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and she would say "Would you make us breakfast?" - I would say no, or worse yet say nothing at all. I knew that she loved when I cooked for her or when we cooked together - I just didn't pay attention.
In moments, she would bravely confess that she suffered from low self esteem and I KNEW that she needed a lot of positive feedback from me. I never gave as much as I should. I felt that she had to learn to love and accept herself - or all of the compliments in the world from me would be of little to no help at all. Clearly there was an opportunity for me to make her feel better about herself and I did not take advantage of it. I let my beliefs override her needs. Looking back, I regret that more than I can say.
I thought that as long as I was providing, giving her a good life and paying the bills that she would see me a a great husband. She was right - I missed all of the little things somehow. I missed all of the things that would have touched her soul because I felt that things that I was doing were already doing that. I was filling a round hole with a square peg and calling it a perfect fit. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was stubborn. I was blind.
I have spent so much time trying to examine what was/is wrong with her that I didn't really look at what I did to drive her away. How does a perfectionist admit that they were a less-than-ideal spouse? I was covering all of the bases that I thought mattered - and not covering the ones that mattered to her. I felt like I did improve her life - but probably just from a material standpoint - and not completely from a "true happiness" standpoint. I thought as long as there was a little blue box from Tiffany under the tree every Christmas that it would show her how much I loved her - when all she really wanted was for me to hold her hand and walk to the park with our son.
I am ashamed of myself that it had to come to this for me to have these realizations come into sharp focus when all I had to do was listen a little bit more. I can try to blame this all on depression and hormones - and maybe there is a component of that involoved, but it doesn't take away from the fact that there were REAL ISSUES driving her actions - depression or not.
So now I am asking the experts on this board - how do I fix this within myself now that I am carrying this grief around? Sure, I want to bring my family back - but I want to be BETTER first. I want her to believe that I am better and want to be back together - I just don't know how to get there from here.
I am not beating myself up here - just trying to be as honest as possible.
Crimson
Crimson - that is one of the most honest postings I have ever seen and admire you so much for having the guts to self-evlauate like this.
Please know that you are not alone in this type of self realization. I think a lot of what you see in yourself is probably pretty typical in guys. This posting could have been written by me and would have mostly applied to me too. Does this make us a bad guy, a bad husband. Certainly not a bad guy but only human and needing to evolve. Maybe not the best husband but our hearts were in the right place just not having developed the tools to be a better husband. While you and I were focusing energy at being pissed at how our wives were letting us down, we were missing so much of the obvious right in front of us.
Like you I missed the small signs, the "things that would have touched her soul". My W used to like me to do comedy routines for her, she liked that sort of simple emtertainment, the sillier the better. I would be so wrapped up in my responsibilities at being a provider and father, that I would be a selfish grump and refuse her. She used to like me to hold her feet up for her a bit while she relaxed on the couch and read. I would do it but only for a short while and then ditch her to do other things. I was such a self consumed, self focused moron! What I wouldn't give for that opportunity with her again! She wanted me to make her coffee in the mornings, I would be so wrapped up in my duties that I would literally forget it over and over again. What was I doing?!!!!
We tend to take our responsibilites as husbands and providers so seriously, and coupled with being a perfectionist (me too), tend to see everything in terms of some mountain to climb, some herculean task to overcome. In the process we forget that our wives are wired very differently, and they never lose sight of the small things like we did.
Like you I was shocked by the bomb.... thinking that I had improved her life by all the work I was doing...missing so much of the little life affirming/ M affirming attention we could have given.
What to do? I guess we man-up and learn from this, let our wives go through what they have to go through to find where/what they want in their lives, and improve ourselves in the meantime.
I was with a good friend today who decided to share with me that the bomb had dropped on his family too. The best thing he said was that he is going to completely let his W go, no expectations, no personal agenda attached to it, let her go and love her unconditionally. No small talk there. He is doing this while his W is openly dating another guy, and he has three kids at home. We spoke about the need to take the high road, i.e. no revenge actions (there's an EA, poss PA in my sitch too), that we have no right to demand anything of our wives and thsat by judging them we are closing the door to them and our own evolving. We talked about how we should be here on this earth to evolve and give, not to see what we are owed. This was not idle talk. While we spoke, one of the guys his W cheated on him with coincidently walked by us, stopped and said hello. I was amazed at the maturity my friend showed. He told me after this guy walked away that he understood why his wife made these choices and took full responsibilty for his role in his WAW.
