Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach the single most important thing to DO. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Wow Cadet! Thanks so much! I have started my homework: reading through the going dark link. I will go through all the threads you suggested.
I am so grateful I found this DB community. You are all so supportive and inspiring.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
My head is spinning right now. I guess you could say I'm in shock. Today H texted to ask if he could come over after work so I could help him prepare for an interview he has tomorrow. I agreed. He came over. I had prepared dinner. Aftewards, we spend about 2 hours role playing interview questions.
When he was leaving he gave me a big hug and thanked me for helping him. Then he said he had to ask me something. He asked if he could have his wedding band back. Needless to say, I was shocked (he had stopped wearing it in July). All I could muster was a "sure." I went to the room, got it, gave it to him. He put it on. Gave me another hug and left. No words exchanged.
I feel so disoriented right now. I can't even say I feel happy. I feel very confused. Is my reaction normal? What do I make of this? More cycling in his MLC? Sheesh.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
It sounds like this is a mini touch and go testing you to see where you are at. You can have NO EXPECTATIONS. Judge him by half his actions not his words. How is the homework going?
I think I did the right thing by my muted reaction to his request and not asking any questions. I agree, I need to have no expectations. I have been on many ups and downs on this rollercoaster and see no reason why that pattern won't continue for a long time to come. My detachment and GALing is coming along. My detaching is definitely coming in handy in riding the ups and downs. I feel I'm on a more even keel and react less to his distacing or touch and gos.
Homework is going well. Currently reading through Pursuit and Distance. I'm also reading The Solo Partner and have some additonal books I ordered (Co-Dependent No More, etc.)waiting for me.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
Solo Partner is one of the better books that I have read. It is not an MLC book however it has great advice. This book is the basis of the thread you are currently reading. Pay particular attention to chapter 8 pages 183-188, on the traits of a pursuer and distancer. This is one of my top books to recommend.
