I think she gets some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me unhappy. In her mind, I've caused her all this unhappiness in her, which caused her to leave and start this whole process. So now, any unhappiness shown by me is her adding to her pleasure and further justifies her decision (again, in her mind).
I don't think I would agree with you there, although I can certainly understand how you could feel that way.
Dealing with a WAS is one of the most UN-pleasant things ever. Understanding the why's and how's help some, but only as much as WE can understand. One aspect of that is...
That WE can only look at it from our side of things, and often, we interpret our feelings and emotions into what they SHOULD be thinking or feeling. We apply OUR tools and values to what they are feeling of thinking.
As detachment comes, often we step back and try to understand that a person is only capable of giving outwardly, what they are feeling internally. And the pain is masked as anger when we finally see that pain.
What I would like for you to learn, is to validate that those are HER feelings on things, and nothing YOU can do will change HER feelings.
Is it the truth ? Who knows, more often than not.....no
Is it HER truth ? You betcha it is.
Please don't ever think that she is not in pain over her decision. That would simply be untrue.
How could you better validate HER truth ?
Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
Of course what she isn't seeing is the effect this is having on our children. While the 3 year old is too young to understand, the 12 year old is definitely acting out and is displaying mood swings.
Easy on that soapbox my friend.
It is easy to "grandstand" for the sake of the kids.
Play this one easy. Do what YOU have to do to be a parent. A single parent, playing both roles for them.
Your job is not to facilitate the relationship between them, it is to not interfere with that relationship.
What relationship SHE chooses to build, should have no bearing on what YOUR relationship is.
That is one of the hardest things about this, and we DO have to keep an eye on our children. Please keep doing the right thing by them , and let the rest fall where it falls.
Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
Unfortunately, my W and I have gotten to the point where we don't even talk anymore. The only communication we have is via text. In fact, we haven't talked since I confronted her about the OM, just over a month ago. Now we are full fledged into our D and is probably gonna get ugly really quick.
In hindsight, you will see this differently than you do today.
NC gives you a chance to back off, and ease away from the things that hurt YOU....
NC is for your emotional protection at this point.
I feel for you buddy, and I wish I could help more. All I can do is offer what I have learned through this , and if you have any questions, please don't be afraid to ask.
I have been in your shoes, and I know how they fit....
