DBing against OW...?????

[mishka422]

ITM, there is no real answer to what to do to take some of the sting away. Thankfully I had a lot of close family members who helped take my head to a better place when they could. I also dove into my church activities more than I ever had. The prayer and fellowship brought me some peace. Also, I tried to put myself into more situations where I could meet some different people just to widen my circle of friends.

Alone, in my room at night, was the worst. I fought the blackness with movies. I couldn't sleep at night because my mind would churn with the pain. I would put the same movie on every night. Because I knew the movie by heart I didn't feel the compulsion to pay attention to it and was able to zone out and fall asleep. That didn't stop the nightmares but it did help.

What I did that I wish I hadn't? LOTS! I don't think I could type all of that. Mainly, I wish I hadn't allowed his actions to control my life. I wasted such a crazy amount of time and energy obsessing about what he was 'probably doing', what he was 'feeling', how he and ow were laughing about and at me...blah blah blah. Dark places I hope to never go again. That doesn't stop me from still falling into darkness though. I have plenty of my own issues that I am still trying to come to grips with but am having little success.

Putting on a happy face is the best you can hope for right now. I had just started to feel more normal about the time xh decided to come knocking at my door begging for a place to stay because ow kicked him out. That was a year and a half post D and two and a half post bomb. His reappearance in my daily life threw me right back into a crazy tailspin and then we sort of fell into each other's arms again during a crisis with my mom and.....here we are today....very much together but now there is no talking about direction or anything. Long story. Suffice it to say that I'm a bit of a mental case.

We will always be here for you sweetie. Take heart, once you get through the holidays you should be able to find some normalcy and a routine that will help. Until then, keep journaling and venting here.