I have been active in the newcomer's forum. Dispensing advice..this time not from a viewpoint of what people should be doing according to any rules, but from a view point of my own situation.
Things are much the same to my chagrin.
Recap: I moved out on 9/1/11 (or so) as part of an agreement with my wife. Since then we've been living apart, but we have dinner @ least 2X week as a family and I usually stay the whole weekend @ our house. the first month was good, a lot of growth positive feelings on both ends. Second month -- not so much. Third month - again not so much. For various reasons we didn't see our MC from Oct. 9 to Dec. 8.
Our last session on Dec. 8 was a little rough b/c we were bringing things to the surface that had been percolating for 2 months. Opened some old wounds I think.
Mainly my W is not ready to have me move back. I was crushed and lashed out a little. Our MC suggested we needed to communicate our feelings a little more with each. Funny for us because a lot of people here thought we talked too much this summer.
Saturday night, my W initiates an R talk based on the MC recommendations. It was rough.
The pertinent points. (DBed the cr@p out of the talk)
1. She really has a lot of anger @ me for my bad 10 months in 2010. She also is made @ me for "snooping" on her for years. she never felt like she had any privacy and basically gave that up.
2. She doesn't know if she can get over that.
3. She is emotionally exhausted from all this.
4. She doesn't know if she wants to go back to our MC because he dredges up stuff. Same with an IC.
5. She needs more time to process everything.
6. She feels like I'm pressuring her to move back in & to some extent our MC is as well.
7. As stated, she isn't ready to have me move back in because she feels some anxiety when I'm there. She is trying to work on this by having me around as much as she does. This have improved, but not enough to have me back.
8. If I told her she had to make a decision, it would be divorce. (Of course she gets very mad, if I suggest this.)
9. She told me a really shitty thing the OM did, but it helps explain some things. In the height if the EA (W had a 3-4m EA), I accidentally called OMs number once. I also went to his office once when she was dropping off something for him (Their printed emails). I was checking up on her and she saw me in the hallway outside is offices. I had no idea he was there and neither did my W. But he heard me in the hallway.
So the guy freaks out a little. Starts to get concerned that I'm crazy and going to do something. My W calmed him down, but he told his good friend about it; who happens to be my W's other really close mentor. I'm pretty sure he omitted why I might be peeved at him. So I look like the crazy, jealous husband (at the time I was, but I thought I had a good reason )
But as much as I wanted to confront this guy and tell his wife about his actions, I didn't come close to it. Per the board and my own ideas about things. Plus the guy is way bigger than me. But it creates a weird situation at work for her the she has to navigate.
10. My W acknowledged my changes. She said that since I have stopped snooping she is trusting me a lot more in that regard. and that trust helps build some of her old feelings for me. But she still wonders if they are to save the M although she thought they weren't fully to save the M.
11. She told me the one thing I could do was back off about moving back in.
12. During one really emotional part of the talk, my W was talking about her EA. She looked me straight in the eye and said "I am so sorry." I just said thank you for saying that. I have made it a personal point to never bring it the EA in a fight or R talk.
13. She offered to move out - for numerous reason. Which I think is a actually a good idea.
During the talk there were a lot of points where I had to force myself to be quiet. I remembered all the things about how women don't necessarily want their Hs to "fix" things. I did a lot of listen and just validating.
For example. She said that maybe it would be easier to just get divorced because she could just step away from the situation. I said that "I don't want that, but I understand how you would feel that" Right after the words left my mouth she immediately back track on what she just said.
It wasn't a total DB effort. She was talking about how she was worried that I might get jealous again and said that her EA was really the first time she worked with man and She didn't know how I'd behave when she went to work with another man. (I gently pointed out that with the exception of one job after she graduate - she has been working with men exclusively for about 10 years.) But after that I went back into the mode and said "I could see how you might feel that way."
so the talk winds down and she said she's going to bed. She leaves the room. Then comes back and says this "I want you to not try to read too much into the stuff I said or be worried I'm am just at my really depressed and pessimistic right now."
Sunday- we had a fabulous day with the family. Got the tree, made cookies. My W had to go into work to get some stuff (She also thought about doing some work here, but put it off) She eventually had to go in - mainly because her wallet was a work. But made it quick. She said she was glad she didn't work and got to have some family time. She also said that she should "probably stop checking my work email, during the weekends." LOL.
So that's it. I'm sure there is stuff I've omitted.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
