And whether or not my W respects me is up to her. I worked hard to get to where I respect myself so I don't have to worry about what other people think.
I'm guessing that when your W made that remark, she wasn't trying to be constructive. Did you two ever have a conversation where she told you in a loving way what areas you need to improve upon? Did you take anything from the conversations that you agree with? Was she able to explain herself more thoroughly so that you understood what she was talking about? The phrase "I don't respect you" is too vague to be helpful to you or her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL. It was a long conversation, starting on the turnpike and continuing at home. I was sick and I have bad pet allegies that were triggered during our visit to our friends house. And I think she was upset that I wasn't holding my own in socializing. (My buddy is a very confident, outgoing guy, so it may have been a comparison) That was the trigger. Then she revealed that I wasn't confident enough, aggressive enough in my job, that I was tentative....oh, this is no fun to recall.....she was saying that I was coming off weak and I didn't give her confidence, and it was unattractive (that was my take, later on). We had recently moved, had to move in and out of short-term apartments, building a house, make new friends, and starting a new job in my field is very complicated, so I was trying to balance it all. (I did it, by the way, just not with style and an air of confidence as she might have wanted).
After many hours, I was pretty convinced she didn't respect me....and was having trouble being attracted to me. It was awful.
Years later it still dogs me, though when we discussed it once or twice she claimed to not remember the conversation at all. but said if she did it that it would have been a horrible thing to do to someone.
It took me a longer time but I think I know now that she was a little scared about the future and looking for me to be a strong confident leader. I was doing well but was stressed and I worried and complained too much in front of her. I was counting on her as a friend, laying too much of my concerns out in front of her.
Specifics? Not so much. My W doesn't like to talk, especially about things like this. It is a reflex she learned to survive her childhood.
My W doesn't make it easy to lead.....she's usually out in front and doesn't like to "follow", even a little. And she fills our life up with lots of "things"....mostly very good....but often gets in over our heads. Until I learned to say no, the pattern was that she would overload our life (again, with good things) until I collapsed trying to make it all happen.
I eventually learned to occasioanlly say no, the arrange things in life so that I can be the person I need to be and she needs me to be. And that's what I'm trying to do for my DBing.
hmmmmm, long reply. sorry you asked probably.
In any case, I did fine this weekend. Enjoyed it. Sorta happy 'bout that.
I eventually learned to occasioanlly say no, the arrange things in life so that I can be the person I need to be and she needs me to be.
I used to do that too--dump too many of my worries and insecurities on my W, instead of managing them on my own. It sounds like you've changed your relationship with a difficult memory and have more insight into it, and am not taking her comments at face value.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Really did not enjoy last night's office holiday party. W enjoying fairly wild time, calling this a warm up to upcoming office's noon to midnight party day Wednesday. I just endured it and didn't get all indignant about it, though I was tired of being the DD for these. Hung in til late and tried to enjoy time with a few friends. Maybe I'm just getting too old to keep up with her young coworkers but I guess I handled it ok....no permenant damage. And I mentioned to W that I can't attend all 12 hours of her office's next party, but I'd come after work and taking care of kids to pick her up in the city. Maybe I am learning something after all....
SL: I do believe that when our spouses undergo a midl life crisis it does make us have a kind of crisis too because we look into ourselves a lot. In the process we see hwta we have done to contribute to the destruction of the M and we try to change, but really, it is hard! In my case, I feel like it led me to a sort of identity crisis, because in my efforts to change I started questioning myself if it is still the real me! But I know the "real" me had a lot of wrong ways, especially in terms of keeping a relationship alive, brought about by many factors (FOO, my personality type)....
Sigh.... its complicated, but we have to do what needs to be done....
And dwe do learn something all the time... its just that the application of it is hard... it takes time to apply all that we have learned.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
ooops, sorry, its early here and I am still sleepy.... the hwta above is actually "what"
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
