DBing against OW...?????

[MynameisMZ]

I'm just thinking about the signing the D papers in 9 days. D makes DB all that much harder. Who filed? Get a coach, I agree.

Hey girls, let's all howl at the moon tonight and think of each other. I'm a moon child so I'll do it! 18 hours from now...let's do it. We're all in different time zones, so I'll be up at 3 AM.

ITM I give you a <<<HUG>>>

[imthemom]

Ill be with ya MZ..at 1am...
I filed...after a month of him harrassing me about signing papers with a paralegal and wanting me to "tell" him how to divorce me, i kep saying " this is not what i want, so im not going to help you...you want the divorce, you do it without me...and lueing to me when i asked if there was someone else...then i caught him with her in our bed. I filed the next day, i let my ego make that decision and i regret it..but financially i needed to do it, my boys and i are living hand to mouth while he is just fine and spending money on this OW.
One bad decision after another, on both our parts..but the fact he down plays her..and then continues it i dont understand...gawd, say your in love with her!!..i could take that easier i think...

[imthemom]

jornaling on 180s and GAL...

I think I 180ed and GALed right out of my marriage...back when we first seperated origanly because of the drinking I was doing this with out ever having read the book...I set boundries, (if you wont stop drinking I will no longer have our son in this enviorment)..When I moved to this town (about 10 min. away) i immediantly joined a gym, joined a softball team and made some really great new friends...started doing things on weekends like rafting trips and 10k runs...my 180s were that I stopped nagging him and just let him do what he was going to do.
after about 3 months he started comeing around and it worked!..if only I had read the book then i would have known what to do once I saw the changes...
so now what are my 180s to be?? and GALing? I already "got a life" so he doesnt notice any of that...and the 180s should technically be me going after him and letting him know how I feel (since that is what I NEVER did) but tried that and it was no effective at ALL!!..so from his point of view I have continued with the life i made when I left and that is fine with him...there has never one time since D day been a time where he has showed any interest or even noticed that I was going anywere or doing anything on the weekends he has S14....all friends say once I start dating he will notice that..but I wont date while Im married so thats not going to happen. And I dont think he will think twice about it.
He is done...he has a person in his life that he spends time with so there is no down time for him...I am home taking care of kids and all that that intails...i dont have the luxury of getting up and running out on a whim. My son was sick this weekend, i took care of him...H didnt call to check on him once. life is easy for him, there are no responsabilities other then getting up to go to work in the morning and even then, he doesnt have to rush home after to make sure kids are fed and homework is done ....he can sit and watch football to his hearts desire without anyone asking for his help or input....what man is going to give that up and go back to a S14 who is struggling in school and defiant at this point and all the work it would take to fix this situation? He is on easy street and we are hard core work on his part....hmmmmmmm....easy street? .........hard core work????....................yeah, pretty obviouse.

just thinking out loud.......i know, prob should stop doing that...

[Abbey]

*hug* ITM, ... I think we've all had a s&*$ty! weekend. Full moon.

Uhm, I'm drawing a blank, except to say, yes, it seems we do all the work, and they just get all the cake and eat it too.

*hug*
Abbey

[mishka422]

((((ITM))))))

I can totally feel your pain. It does seem to us that their lives are just perfection without us doesn't it? They get to live their lives without being responsible for anyone else anymore, it's all freedom and fun right?

WRONG!

That may be the case for some, don't get me wrong, but for most they are having some guilt issues and second guessing their decisions but their pride may keep them from admitting it.

This was the case for my xh. To me it seemed like he had it made. He left me to care for my terminally ill mother and our autistic son alone and didn't care if our son came to stay with him on "his weekend" or not. I can count on one hand the number of times he actually stayed with his dad. He had zero responsibility and was spending all his time with his ow who I was sure must 'swing from the ceiling fan' during sex for him to have left us for it.

We can't see their view. From his view he realized quickly that he had made a huge mistake but he couldn't see coming back with his tail between his legs and begging forgiveness. Also, he thought he was 'in love' with his ow and couldn't bear to give up that feeling. What he forgot was that he had that same feeling with me but over time that faded to the comfortable warm kind of love which he decided wasn't good enough. He needed excitement and instead of trying to rekindle that with me, he looked for it elsewhere because that was easier.

It took a lot of trauma to both of us and a complete breakdown of his R with ow for him to figure out that what he had with me and our son was real and permanent and was worth trying to put together again.

He has voiced on more than one occassion that he screwed up. We haven't figured out where this new R we have is going, if anywhere, but we are trying it together at long last.

So, in short, don't 'assume' his life is rosy. He may be having a lot of black thoughts about what his life has come to. That has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with his own decisions. Owning up to those decisions and figuring out what is best for himself is the problem. He has to pull his head out of the sand.

[imthemom]

What do i do in the mean time mish.....i know the answer to that..get on with my life..but when does the pitifull aching go away so i can??!!...
Im trying so hard but the holidays has pushed me back..i need to duck it up and start new traditions without him...he is telling our s that hes not doing christmas, being very negative about it..how is that making it easier on S14??..which is what he keeps saying he wants to do????
Again..co parenting tonight...i will ask that question then..

[imthemom]

And mish..thank you, your post is just what i needed to hear..please tell me what you did in the mean time to make it easier. And things you wish you wouldnt have done...i feel like im drowning...
Thanks abby...i so appreciate your support..you girls have gotten me this far, im affraid my friends are at a loss why i still want to save my marriage to a person who is capable of doing what he is doing...

[mishka422]

ITM, there is no real answer to what to do to take some of the sting away. Thankfully I had a lot of close family members who helped take my head to a better place when they could. I also dove into my church activities more than I ever had. The prayer and fellowship brought me some peace. Also, I tried to put myself into more situations where I could meet some different people just to widen my circle of friends.

Alone, in my room at night, was the worst. I fought the blackness with movies. I couldn't sleep at night because my mind would churn with the pain. I would put the same movie on every night. Because I knew the movie by heart I didn't feel the compulsion to pay attention to it and was able to zone out and fall asleep. That didn't stop the nightmares but it did help.

What I did that I wish I hadn't? LOTS! I don't think I could type all of that. Mainly, I wish I hadn't allowed his actions to control my life. I wasted such a crazy amount of time and energy obsessing about what he was 'probably doing', what he was 'feeling', how he and ow were laughing about and at me...blah blah blah. Dark places I hope to never go again. That doesn't stop me from still falling into darkness though. I have plenty of my own issues that I am still trying to come to grips with but am having little success.

Putting on a happy face is the best you can hope for right now. I had just started to feel more normal about the time xh decided to come knocking at my door begging for a place to stay because ow kicked him out. That was a year and a half post D and two and a half post bomb. His reappearance in my daily life threw me right back into a crazy tailspin and then we sort of fell into each other's arms again during a crisis with my mom and.....here we are today....very much together but now there is no talking about direction or anything. Long story. Suffice it to say that I'm a bit of a mental case.

We will always be here for you sweetie. Take heart, once you get through the holidays you should be able to find some normalcy and a routine that will help. Until then, keep journaling and venting here.

[keep_going]

ITM,
Reading your post really hit home. It's like you were reading my mind. I feel the same sense of helplessness. I feel that my changes and what I have done so far has had no effect on H. And sitch with OW is very strong for him. When I have dark, negative moments, I think about H and how happy and simple his life must be now. I had a specially rough weekend with the negative thoughts - all of them in the same line of thought as you have expressed.

But fortunately, I have not let my actions reflect my state of mind. I realize that sometimes the pain will be so intense that I need to acknowledge it and allow myself to feel it, but not act on it. And that is what I have been doing the last couple of days. I continue to get busy and act AS IF, despite of my depressed state and at least I got that going for me.

M422,
Thank you as well for your recent posts. They have helped a lot to bring perspective to the sitch. You are right, most likely not everything is rosy in spouse's life. I also appreciate you sharing your story. It again proves what works and what doesn't. Knowing that your H came around way after your D also gives me hope.

It's such a gloomy and rainy day where I live, that both your posts have really helped.

thanks again.

[mishka422]

I'm glad I can be of any help. Trust me, I'm a pretty big mess still (old issues outside of my M) but I have much better perspective on things now.

You all keep plugging along. You'll get through this!