Thank you everyone for your replies. I've read through them each a few times. I really do appreciate you and all on this forum.
H and I are in those bumpy beginning stages of piecing, I think. Jack, you really described it best when you said, I've been swallowing a lot, bottling things up to get here. I was thinking of this the other day, and wondering how in the world did I manage to hold it together when he was losing it?
So I'm still going through an assortment of feelings each day. Anger, sadness, wanting to withdraw, and sometimes this horrible fear I can't shake.
I blew up the other day on him. He said something to me in regards to the computer being messed up (windows) and I said, "I could give a #$%$ about the computer and hope it died". He just stood there looking at me... and I said, "At least no one can create fake email addresses and stab you in the back when the computer is dead".
He stood there listening to me, just taking it, but I know I should not be saying things like this. it's not going to help our relationship... but at the same time, I don't know how to hide the pain I'm feeling.
he broke down and cried the other day and told me he was so ashamed of what he had done with the way he had treated me.. and as Antonia put it... I felt numb, disbelieving. he was crying SO much though, I just had to hug him.. it's reactionary... a need to comfort someone. And he said, "Don't comfort me, I don't deserve it".
Aside from this, we have had a some really good talks. We lay down together at night and we just talk... and hold each other. We have had some talks about intimacy and what he has been feeling.. and what he needs and I just listen and validate.
In many ways, we are getting somewhere. We are inching forward, but some days I just feel the emotions flood back and I'm pulled under and falling apart inside.
He told me that losing me would devastate him, and that he never realized how much appreciates me, loves me, and that I'm a good wife to him. He wants his future with me... wants to have more fun, try new things, and go a lot of places.
He seems to be in his own period of adjustment... and he says it's a feeling of shame he has been going through.
On his own he decided to go to church to talk to the rev. for counsel for himself and our marriage. He didn't like the other counselor, but feels comfortable at the church. I'm glad that he is doing what he needs to do... and that it's helping him.
I have continued GAL, but I have stopped using it as a weapon. I think for a time I was sort of using it as a means to make him fearful that I'd walk out. I really had to look at my behavior .... and I was in some ways being that way. I think that part of me wanted him to be afraid of losing me, but this is not right and we had some talks about it. I've helped him understand that the changes he went through, sparked changes in me.
At this time, we both understand that we do not want to go back to the way things were in our relationship that caused problems, but we want to go forward and improve things.
The thing is, we have to know how to do this and to keep it going.
