When he gets home later, I will again demand that he buys me out. Will be also consulting with a divorce lawyer this week.
Ummm...this is a little backwards. Consult with the lawyer FIRST, find out what all your options are - THEN make your demands of H.
Ask the lawyer if you can kick him out but still make him pay his share of the mortgage. Or whether you should go ahead and put your house on the market now.
Just don't go off half-cocked. Get your legal plans all ironed out first.
The legal separation agreement from last time is already in place. Divorce lawyer is someone hard hitting, if I choose to go this route. But I'll use it as a last resort,...as I have no interest in alimony. The house asset is the only thing we'll have to divide and our laws no matter what divide that asset as 50 50.
So he comes home and tells me the OW wanted to come into MY house, bring the child... and expected me to leave. Yeah... I'm not kidding. H said, no, that's not going to happen.
The woman is a nut job, and frankly I am afraid for my safety and the safety of my critters. So at 5 am this morning, I woke him up, ... and we talked about it. He won't let her come here. He admitted to me that he doesn't love her as much as he thought he did. And has fallen back in love with me. He's torn, he says. Except for the one focus - his daughter. He also made it clear that this is hard enough on me, and he has NO intention of bringing her to this house. This is my safe place. He made it clear to me that he has no intentions of having that happen. If that is breached, then the claws and the lawyer comes out.
What's particularly interesting is his comments to me: I'm in love with you and that I (he) didn't expect that to happen.
I said, that you realize that I have already become attached to your daughter. H: I'm glad about that. Really glad about that.
He made comments about living in a duplex again, makes comments about he going after full custody of daughter. Makes comments about us raising her together, but then he falls back to: I can't make any promises.
He knows I want out,... and the sooner the better. I NEED to be out of here, and just now we had another tearful exchange where he tells me he loves me, and he has a window to "do things" and that he has to do that. He's frustrated that his "way" isn't panning out the way he wanted it to. He still falls back to the default of us being together (but he can't promise anything) because he NEVER wants to be without me. (Even though he keeps saying he thinks I'll move on away from him once I'm on my own.) Then the next thing out of his mouth is: But I can see us doing the midnight runs where you keep me up half the night.
I said, you have this ability to convince yourself of crap that simply isn't true. You thought I wasn't ready to have daughter in our lives. You were wrong about that... He said yes. So I said, You do NOT have to raise her alone.
What's abundantly obvious is that he's at that spot he was the last time where I PUSHED him to get rid of OW, and he tried but failed. We broke up for a week and a half, I went black, and he came right back to me. I had to stay dim until he was ready.
I'm confused guys. I'm really, really, really confused right now. I know I need to let this play out. I WANT out of here. I KNOW that she is going to make his life a living hell - she's already starting (all of which I knew from the day this came into focus.) And I'm not sure what I will feel like once I'm out of here other than relief. If I choose to hold on, I have a good chance of this playing out as I suspect it will. I just know know if I can hold on that long. Or that if I have to stay here too long before being able to move out... if there'll be any love left in me.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Oops... don't know if I can hold on that long, it should read. Dumb editor at this forum... makes me crazy.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
My bet is that his feelings with ow will die. He'll grow to detest her. However, no surprise here that she'll be in your lives forever. What a sentence! Wondering what your thoughts on that are?
I know you said you were done, but he can reel you in. Interesting that you set your mind o leaving and he talks to you honestly.
I know how much I hurt and ow is gone, out of our lives. I have to hand it to you Abbs, you are one strong lady.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
MZ, your question about her being in our lives. Nope... that's a deal breaker for me. She will NEVER respect boundaries, and because of his inability to hold her at bay, I'm asking to have my heart broken over and over again.
What didn't get spoken about until last night, was that she was admitted to a mental hospital once already. (I seem to remember him saying it once before, but it was really early on in our first attempt at a reconcile.)
Am I strong? Or just stupid?
I know I love him. I'm almost certain after last night that if I let this play out... he'll back again... but I don't know if my heart can take this. I'm going to have to completely shut off in order to make it through this.
Another thing I said last night: It's going to get worse before it gets better. H: I know,... but I have to get closer to her to get closer to my daughter.
One of the things that really bothers me is the safety of my critters. A friend suggested that I not tell him where I'm going on any given day but when he says: I'm going to her house, THEN I leave... don't announce I'm gone, just simply go do my GAL when he tells me his plans... that until I can secure my critters safety. I don't trust that nut job. ME, I can take care of myself. My critters... anything happened to them, I would go murderous, I know that.
Stupidly enough,... even though I want to be done... need to be done... WISH I could be done. Nothing has freakin' changed. The same road map I assumed needed to be done in order for him to finally be ready to actually HATE her and not have her in his life at all... is all still laid out at our feet. He sees it through the clouds, then gets scared and retreats.
Watching them go play house (as much as I know that's part of what the doctor ordered for him to see how absolutely NUTS she is)... is going to be extremely difficult to do.
Beginners mind nothing... NUMB yes.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
About honesty... he didn't expect to feel this "way" about me again. AND I keep coming back to what he said last night: If there was no baby, this wouldn't be an issue at all. So... let me get this straight... you're with this woman... and you're admitting outright (plus in other things you've said)... the ONLY reason is because of the child??????
He *claims* to love her, but he verbally try to drive her nuts. HE lies to her. He's NOT faithful to her, and doesn't seem to be interested in doing so, unless forced to. He spends half his time scheming about taking her to court. He said that they have nothing in common. No common interests. He already is criticizing the way she parents her other kids.
Here's what I know... I know she likes the fact he can make money... and she wants IT. That's about ALL they have in common.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
H: I know,... but I have to get closer to her to get closer to my daughter.
Ummm...no.....he just needs to get a LAWYER to get closer to his daughter. This is a total excuse, Abbey. He's using the baby as an excuse to be around crazy OW. And she'll never be out of your life if you stay with him. So you really have to think if this is what you want.
And as for alimony - why on earth wouldn't you go for it, if you are entitled? The laws in most places allow alimony in instances where it is fair - if it would be awarded to you, then isn't it fair for you to be compensated in some way for the sudden change in life plans that H has brought onto you?
KML, that's what I said about lawyer/hard hitting, if I decide to go that route. Alimony would be part of that hard hitting, although again, it's not something I really want. Our laws... I actually don't have to ask for it until I'm "gone". I can go after it retroactively, as well as maintenance for my "way of life" that I was used to.
I know it's frikken excuse about getting close to the OW. He's just being an idiot.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Says to me last night,... did you see anything you liked? (house wise). I said, no I'm still going towards a model that would have to be built.
H: Yes, I like that one best too. That's ok, if we sell this house quickly, we can move into the other house (an investment property) until it's ready. Round and round. He's still in this mode that we are all going to be hunky dorey and that we're going to be best friends and all is well in his little world. We're going to go on dates, even "secret dates". Not going to happen, but quite interesting that every time I pull back, he comes forward.
I guess for me, what I have to decide once I get the hell out of here (and it does sell, or he buys me out) is how far I pull back, how quickly and all that.
I'm still torn, I love him, and YES He's an idiot right now. In my heart I know this won't last with her... and this IS very much part two of what never got finished as we were trying to get back together. I honestly did expect this within the first few months after his daughter was born.
Will I want him after all this? I dunno. I really don't. I don't know if I want him now half the time. I know like others have said on the forum, I don't know if he'll ever DO the work he needs to do in order to fix what he's done to us and make amends to me and the marriage. That IS a lynch pin for many of us.
I know that we get this stupid separation anxiety when we're apart. We get drawn together, when we're together. The whole thing is so screwy.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
ME: I'm going out tonight. Have a neat Christmas get together/executive community organization with new friends.
ME: Told H, (not til this morning mind you)... when do you see daughter? H: Around 3. ME: Well, since I'm gone anyway, why not take OW and daughter out for dinner at the chicken place?
H... Hmmm... don't know. Maybe. Don't know. Daughter likes to look at lights.
ME: *smile*
Gotta get back on the horse here. He has to get the full brunt of her. He's all cuddly with me. I tell him,... you're lucky to have me you know. *He cuddle cuddles*... H: Yes, I know I'm very lucky to have you. He complements me on my shrinking backside, but not too much, he tells me... I like your backside.
I predict another fight with those 2 by Wednesday.
Round and round.
Out for now, Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
