Never thought I'd be here......part 2

[25yearsmlc]

first,

imo, no way did she want you to see the new car in a way to hurt you, if that. She is driving though, so you'd have to notice at some point.

Got my son back today. W had told me she would drop him off between 6:30 and 7:00 PM. She actually showed up at 5:30 - she was going to meet with the neighbor's kid's and our S - but they weren't home. I had told her earlier that I would go to her place and get him and she was OK dropping him off here - even though it's about a 15-20 minute drive.

sounds like a slightly nice thing to do on her end. At most, a slightly positive but don't read into this much.

It's odd for me to see her ring the doorbell to get into the house she used to live in. I had boxed up some Christmas decorations for her as well as our son's school pictures. She was a little shocked that there weren't more decorations for her - truthfully,


did she SAY she was shocked or bothered or annoyed? Or are you mind reading here?

I DO think it would be hard for her to see the house without her in it...for sure. But why make it all negative? You are letting her expression make you feel defensive and that's not going to go over well FOR you.


I can't tell what belongs to who anymore.


tell her that^^^. Ask HER to go through them if you are concerned about her perceptions.


When she was standing at the door I noticed a new key fob in her hand and walked down the front walk:

M: You got a new car

W: Yeah, the other one crapped out on me. I surprised you didn't hear about it - I had to "justify the purchase" (said in a very slightly annoyed voice)

M: With who?

W: With your lawyer.

M: Oh - I had no idea, I haven't heard from him in over a week. It's a nice looking car!


way to go! You made it clear you did NOT know about the purchase or whine about it to your L AND you were upbeat about her choice. Way to validate and way to take some bad cards and deal them well!. GREAT 180!!!


W: Thanks.

Needless to say, my anxiety during the exchange was high - but I hid it and presented as upbeat as possible. She seemed "down" a little bit - I'm guessing

YEP, you sure are guessing here....why? Try to stop it.


because she had to drop off our son, but my ego wants to believe she misses me and saw the tree and lights on the house and felt a little sad that she wasn't here. Probably a pipe dream, I know.


who knows Crimson? I am pretty darn sure that she does miss some things. Of course she does. And you both feel some sadness now. I believe that is true.

But I don't know if it means she's ready to DO anything about that.

You'll know when that is happening b/c I think she'll say something or act differently towards you.


I thought that as a 180 I would text her "sorry that you had to deal with my lawyer to get your care, that must have been aggravating." Is that a bad idea? In a sense it's apologizing for something I really had no idea was going on, but at the same time I want to let her know that I understand her feelings about the situation. What to do?


Do NOT mention the L unless she does, then repeat what you said and deny knowledge of it ahead of time, which you said was true, and then steer the talk to the positive.

I'd focus on the positives of the new car -She researched and chose a car on her own and got financing on her own. (Assuming she did that). Then Praise her choices as honestly as you can.

Is it pretty? Reliable? Gets good ratings? Is it "fast and sweet on the road"? Let that be the 180. Not your lack of CONTROL before...

Apologizing for the L or going on about that, just emphasizes your power/control over her life, and how you were not THEN exercising it when your L called her...why put any light there?

Make sense? And why text it? You can say it when you see her. Don't initiate about this...imo


It was hard to see her - I looked right into her eyes and she is still so beautiful to me. It really makes me feel a sense of loss --- Seeing her is hard - I want to tell her everything that I have been thinking and I know I can't. I want to give her a hug and tell her that I hope she is doing OK, and I know I can't. I want to tell her that I miss her, and I know I can't. DB'ing is tough business. I hope it is having a least a small impact on her on some level.

Crimson

someday you shall be able to tell her. And a hug sometime over the holiday might be appropriate, if it's not too long or too "needy".

IF & When you do show her some affection, make sure it's out of your comforting her, rather than needing her to reassure you. Do you get that?

but if she brings up the R over the holidays, know what you want to say, make it brief but thorough as to what you are owning. Remember those replies I gave you? They are short and sweet. Only if she persists, would you need to get into any details. If she does bring up a "problem" try hard to just listen and do NOT DO ANY FIXING...just hear how she feels.

When the time comes, you'll be able to show her that you have had an awakening and are a changed man.

But your words are meaningless at this point. Your actions are what matters (the 180 about the car was great!)

so do that and over time, she'll notice and ponder.

IF SHE brings up the R herself, THEN you can address the matters you want to.