Beginning now...

[AntoniaB]

IB if it makes you feel more "normal" for an LBSer, I feel myself slipping too, and I think it has EVERYTHING to do with the holidays...my wedding anniversary is 12/21, then Christmas, then New Years....It's just a lot at once and all I've thought about lately is being alone again while XH is running around with the new missus.

The only reason I hold it together to the level that I do is my book. It is a huge distraction from it all. It's not like I don't process the grief and loss and all, I think I do. But I do think it provides some sort of buffer for me, in that when I start to get depressed I will throw myself into the project with vigor, and it's the type of project that REQUIRES me to work alone, and so I don't feel weird spending hours doing it because it's something "productive", and it takes me out of my "life" for x number of hours.

But don't think I've not already started to consider what is going to happen when I finish it. I'm getting close, and I've already been wracking my brain trying to come up with another book to write. The void scares me. This book "is" my significant other, so to speak.

I think you often sound like you feel "behind" others of us here, and you and I are on identical timelines for the bomb/separation. But what you see with me on the surface is someone who really knows how to distract herself, and really, I'm probably more where you "are" than you realize.

I want it to be over too, and it just isn't going to be. Not for years. You are a better person. You can't see it but the people around you can, including all of us.

There are many days I don't know where I go from here either. Many days I truly believe I will never be able to trust anyone ever again and I'll never be vulnerable enough to be in a relationship. Or I'll be in one but I'll keep a wall up. Then I start to contemplate how lonely it will be to spend the rest of my life single.

This is part of it but it's also pointless because it's worrying too much over the future. You don't ever have to make any "grand decision" about where to go from here at any point. You just have to keep getting up every day and doing your best with what's happened. Try to focus on that and not some "bigger" picture.