Separated But Living Under the Same Roof

[sandi2]

I was feeling good about things--even thinking about asking her about the home renovation and sleeping in the same bed (did neither); then wife mentions a book about how to raise kids following a D that her C gave her; W says she thought the book was good and wanted to share some ideas with me.

You were feeling self-confidence, and that is wonderful. Things will seem confusing and you'll be frustrated, but you have to take things very, very slowly.

You felt pretty good about yourself (and that is great) but next thing you know, you're thinking about approaching the subject of sleeping in the bed with your W! This is exactly why women act cold when otherwise they wouldn't. The first sign of any nice behavior and men usually are ready to skip right past all the other steps and go straight for the bedroom. Therefore, women will act cool or moody to discourage the man from having those thoughts. Case in point as you went on to expound on what your W was thinking.

I was disappointed (said nothing) because I felt as if W had been noticing my efforts and that the impact of her noticing would be that she would be drawn back to me/open to considering giving our M another try.

As long as you continue to expect something positive from her due to your hard work, you will continue to be disappointed. Now this may sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth, b/c it's human to do that in the beginning when you're doing all these 180's. At least, I think it is human for most people to look for some response to their changes. After all, she is the reason you strive so hard to make these changes......at least in the beginning you are. But when you can get to the place that you are not looking at her for a reaction to your action, and you are doing these changes b/c this is the man you want to be, regardless of the outcome of your M......then you will stop being disappointed at small things she says and does....or doesn't say & do.

Now, I'm going to ask something of you, okay? Don't do like so many LBH's do, and try to convince us that all this work is for yourself--and not to sway her. Frankly, I don't buy it when the LBH keeps saying that such & such is for himself and not her, yada, yada, yada. You won't have to tell us, we'll know.

she repeatedly says that she doesn't know why it took so long for me to get it and that she has been asking me to do all the stuff that I am now doing for years and I didn't do any of it before the S. She asks me why it had to be so hard.

You have to understand that she is dealing with some real anger at you for waiting until she's through and is going to D you, before you finally attempt at making some changes that she's wanted for years. Maybe men who are the WAS doesn't think like that, IDK. If you've read Michele's article on the WAW Syndrome, it may help to understand a little bit.

She seems to recognize my real change but seems to be reluctant to embrace it as real and lasting and worth taking a risk on.

Exactly, b/c she had already made up her mind to take steps at changing her future. The thought of taking the gamble at giving the M another chance is scary and she thinks (IMO) that if it fails again, she may not come out the second time as emotionally strong as she is now. IOW, she's come this far, and to take a risk at having to go through that pain again is about too much. Remember that this is how I think the WAW sees it.

I think the more she sees you becoming the man she fell in love with, the more she's going to feel frustrated. She may lash out in anger, but don't stop working on improving. Just remember what I told you about how you waited so long and now her plans may have a stumbling block......that being, the new and improved "you". It will be frustration and irration peppered with anger. I believe that some of those feelings are due to her experiencing feelings for you that she thought was over. That could spoil a girl's day!