Got my son back today. W had told me she would drop him off between 6:30 and 7:00 PM. She actually showed up at 5:30 - she was going to meet with the neighbor's kid's and our S - but they weren't home. I had told her earlier that I would go to her place and get him and she was OK dropping him off here - even though it's about a 15-20 minute drive.
It's odd for me to see her ring the doorbell to get into the house she used to live in. I had boxed up some Christmas decorations for her as well as our son's school pictures. She was a little shocked that there weren't more decorations for her - truthfully, I can't tell what belongs to who anymore. When she was standing at the door I noticed a new key fob in her hand and walked down the front walk:
M: You got a new car
W: Yeah, the other one crapped out on me. I surprised you didn't hear about it - I had to "justify the purchase" (said in a very slightly annoyed voice)
M: With who?
W: With your lawyer.
M: Oh - I had no idea, I haven't heard from him in over a week. It's a nice looking car!
W: Thanks.
Needless to say, my anxiety during the exchange was high - but I hid it and presented as upbeat as possible. She seemed "down" a little bit - I'm guessing because she had to drop off our son, but my ego wants to believe she misses me and saw the tree and lights on the house and felt a little sad that she wasn't here. Probably a pipe dream, I know.
I thought that as a 180 I would text her "sorry that you had to deal with my lawyer to get your care, that must have been aggravating." Is that a bad idea? In a sense it's apologizing for something I really had no idea was going on, but at the same time I want to let her know that I understand her feelings about the situation. What to do?
It was hard to see her - I looked right into her eyes and she is still so beautiful to me. It really makes me feel a sense of loss - I still miss her, especially this time of year. As soon as she left, my hands were kind of shaking and I had to sit down and take a few deep breaths. Got a little teary. Seeing her is hard - I want to tell her everything that I have been thinking and I know I can't. I want to give her a hug and tell her that I hope she is doing OK, and I know I can't. I want to tell her that I miss her, and I know I can't. DB'ing is tough business. I hope it is having a least a small impact on her on some level.
