Mach1 - thnk you so much for time and wisdom you have imparted. Yes, I understand that much of the pain is self induced, i.e stalking her FB, tracking the phone logs for calls to the OM. Journaling it here is actually me finally seeing it, acknowledging it for what it is and growing beyond it.
Your point about your W not doing this TO you but for her, and ultimately for you too is noted by me. I'm just waking up to that now.
You ask about my fear for the future? I still do not want a life without my W (although I only want a better M if we can do that) and hope for that, but really my fear is diminishing from an all encompassing level. I am really working on improving myself based on the things that got my W and I to the bomb level.
YOU ARE STILL HERE...
Please remember that one....
And since you are still here....
Live your life as if....
As if your troubles will be behind you soon...
As if you are the happiest person ever...
As if you are still a role model for those three boys...
Because at the end of the day ???
You are, and you will be.
YOU...define your future...
Nobody else....
you
One thing if I may...???
One thing today.
One thing that you can do different, that you haven't done in the past, but have always wanted to....
Let me know what it was...
Mach 1 - okay this is what it is. I did not let the negative emotions of someone else determine how I live my life. Throughout my M I would let my W's issues prevent me from doing things that would have been quite normal activities if not for her trust issue. I sold myself out for years. I'm not going to do that anymore. I will listen to someone's concerns if they have them (W or otherwise) but will not be ruled by them.
My W backed out of the Xmas party we were going to at the last minute because of illness. In the past I would have not gone because of my fear of her mistrust issues and the resulting unpleasantness. I went anyway, told myself that I deserve to live with trust because I am trustworthy. I went, had a great time, and know that this GAL choice did make a difference. I can see that she is realizing that she has wandered pretty far from the M and is in fear that she may have lost it all. I don't want her to feel bad like this but this was for both our good. I am GAL that I deserve, and working on bettering me, and she has to work through her crisis and earn a R too.
Did I answer this in the manner you asked it? Thank you so much!
