Newbie: Is this MLC and how do I GAL?

[Some Day]

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday....no contact. I wonder who will show up this weekend at the work event? Cold and distant H or caring and warm H? We shall see.

[Valeska19]

How are you doing SD?

[Some Day]

Hi Valeska, thanks for asking. I am feeling quite down today. Below are some ramblings of what's on my mind.

So, Friday no contact. Today (Saturday) was the event H invited me to. I made an extra effort to do my hair, makeup, and wore a very flattering outfit. When I met him there, I got a quick hug, but no compliments. We had a little bit of small talk during the event, but I could sense his distance. Afterwards, he asked if i was hungry and we went for a bite to eat. During dinner we had conversation about work, sports, etc. (all safe topics). He avoided looking at me in the eyes the whole time. He was courteous, but it felt like I was having a conversation with my neighbor not my husband.

It hurts me so much to see no emotion in his eyes when he looks at me. There is such a thick wall he has built up. I did my best to be fun, smile, show kindness, etc., but nothing seems to be able to chip away at this wall he has erected to keep me out.
When we parted ways he gave me a quick hug and that was it. This is so different from the man I saw on Monday who was so happy to see me and which I truly felt a connection. Today it was all gone.

Earlier today he was tagged in some photos on Facebook with his girlfriend or whatever she is (this is not the OW, this is someone else he hangs out with). They went out last night to a club to celebrate her birthday. He was all smiles. This hurt. As much as I wanted to bring it up today when i saw him, I didn't. What would that accomplish anyway? It hurts though that our family and friends will see those pics. Up to this point only very few friends/family know that we are separated and fewer know that it is because he left me for OW.

I am beginning to question my sanity. I keep fighting for this man that I love, who does not love me and continues to have contact with OW and with this other woman. Ocassionally he will throw me a bone (send me a text or invite me somewhere) but for the most part he is out of the picture and spends his time with OW and girlfriend.

A handful of times I have seen the H that I married and love and this keeps me going, but most times(like today) it is the cold distant stranger that I see. I am GALing more now and I have cut way down on initiating contact with him. So far, I haven't seen a difference in how he responds to me. It's hot/cold and it is quite unpredictable.

I have felt like walking away so many times, but just when I am about to throw in the towel, something happens that gives me a tiny bit of hope. Today I am feeling rather hopeless and don't see how this situation is going to turn around.

[JustStunned]

SD, what are you doing for GAL? What are your 180s? What are you doing to detach? What are you reading? What can you do for you? What are your personal goals? Focus on you not on your sitch.

In the first few weeks and months following the bomb we focus so much on what they are doing and not doing that we neglect ourselves. That is not attractive to our spouses. There is no mystery there. Each time they check we remain the same clingy needy people they walked out on. We confirm their beliefs and justifications about moving on to their bright shiny new fantasy life.

I know this is hard. I am still working on me, and cannot personally cite a successful resolution yet. Please consider:

Sooner or later they will bottom out. It is inevitable. When they do they will notice how we are living. If we are moving forward perhaps moving on without them. Living a happy, productive desirable life then maybe, just maybe the seeds sown early in our relationships will grow again, and we’ll be faced with a dilemma. Do we mark time waiting for them or continue to move on?

Growth requires a series of sustained changes over time. The sooner we begin the better off we are. Just as we look for minor improvements in the interactions with our spouses we should look for baby steps for our own growth.

List your goals and then list things to do for personal improvement, personal satisfaction, personal happiness. What can you easily do? What will have impact? What can you easily do that will have high impact? Focus there, focus on you. We will all naturally return to our sitches. We must make effort to focus on us.

(((SD)))

PS eventually you’ll come off moderation. Think of it as building a trust relationship. Post in other threads, offer empathy and encouragement. Hang in there.

[antlers]

It hurts me so much to see no emotion in his eyes when he looks at me. There is such a thick wall he has built up. I did my best to be fun, smile, show kindness, etc., but nothing seems to be able to chip away at this wall he has erected to keep me out.
I am beginning to question my sanity. I keep fighting for this man that I love, who does not love me and continues to have contact with OW and with this other woman. Ocassionally he will throw me a bone (send me a text or invite me somewhere) but for the most part he is out of the picture and spends his time with OW and girlfriend.

Relationships work best when they are based on mutual feelings of love, respect, and kindness. Investing your energy and time in someone who doesn't reciprocate, will ultimately prevent you from receiving the love you want in return.

[Some Day]

Thank you, JS and antlers. You are both right. I'm trying hard to GAL, it's taken me a while to get there, but I think I'm on the right track. I work out 5 x week. I have started accepting invitations from friends to go out. I am taken dance lessons and meeting people there as well. I will be going on a cruise soon. I am taking better care of my appearance. I have read and reread LOTS of R books. In an earlier post, I listed some of them.

As far as 180. The fact that I am actually out doing things by myself is a huge departure. I used to do everything w/ H, and if he wouldn't go somewhere or do something with me, I wouldn't do it. I was extremely dependent on him in that aspect. I am learning to break free from that. The other 180 is that I have stopped the pursuit and have drastically cut back on any contact I initiate. I have also started saying 'no' to him sometimes when he invites me to do something and I tell him I have plans.

What I am not doing well is being mysterious. When he asks, I always tell him what I am doing, who I'm with, etc. I guess old habits die hard. I also know I need to lovingly dettach for ME and my own well being.

Early on in our marriage, I had an EA. That went on for two years. Despite me treating H with so much distance and coldness, he never left my side. He knew it was going on and he never confronted me. He just continued to be there and love me until I finally snapped out of it on my own and recommited myself to our marriage.

Unfortunately, now the tables are turned. He went out and had a PA, moved out, and is now living like a bachelor. I know that this time around the situation is a little bit different (more extreme), but still, he could have left me back then and he didn't, he kept fighting for us.

Now I figure it is my turn to show that same patience and unconditional love. I hope that like me, one day, he will come to his senses and realize how much I love him and what he lost. But it's only fair that I give him the same opportunity he gave me.

[JustStunned]

SD, so you are doing the cruise, good. I understand introvert, although people who know me now wouldn’t think I do. What helped me was jumping in the deep end. I imagine the cruise as that.

I wrote this long post and the longer it got the more disjointed it became so I’ll leave you with this copied to my journal some months back. It pretty much sums up what I was trying to say. I wish I could give the proper credit for it.

LBS creed - I can handle anything thrown my way. I am responsible for my actions, thoughts and happiness. I will respect my WAS and let their problems be their problems. I am fun, confident, interesting and capable. I am attractive. I am interested in others well being. I choose to thrive regardless of my circumstance. I am a warrior.

It seems as if you are off moderation.

[gunny]

Hello Someday,
I have not posted on your thread before but wanted you to know that you are not alone in your sitch. I have also been married for 11 years, no kids, my w left 8 weeks ago.

I am also very introverted, even though my job calls for me to be qutie extroverted(Veterans Service Officer). I have also always been very independent, and enjoyed a high degree of independence in my marriage, one of the many great things about my w.

So, like you, being very introverted, my GAL activities of choice would normally be doing things by myself, ie. hiking, walking, going to the bookstore/library, etc. I have had to work very hard in forcing myself to get involved with some local Divorce/Separation Support groups, but I am very glad that I have. I have made some good friends in these groups, we meet often for coffee or dinner outside of the groups, and best of all, they have all been in the same place I am, and do not mind listening to me, or if needed, giving me advice. You might want to check out a local group, and also, just a thought, check out a Codependent Anonymous meeting near you.

Keep hanging in there, good luck,
Gunny

[Some Day]

Thanks, Gunny. It helps to know that there are others out there that know what we are going through and are not quick to judge. I will check to see if there are the support groups you mention in my area.

I find that the dancing is really helping me come out of my shell. Folks there are friendly too and keep inviting me to go to their socials (for dancing). I haven't gotten the nerve yet to go to one of the dances, but I am going to make myself attend the one next month!

Thanks for your well wishes. I also wish you the best in your sitch.

[gunny]

Thanks Some Day,
Reading your sitch, even though it is up and down, I still see a lot of hope for you, keep up what you are doing.!