Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

First post…Like many, I never thought I would find myself needing this kind of help and advice, but reading the stories on the boards have helped to give me ideas on how to move forward, perspective, some peace of mind and hope for the future. Sorry for the long post, I suppose this is also me having some therapy to get everything out there. I also just started the DB book, so sorry if I ask things that I will discover on my own soon, I just wanted to move forward.

Our history: Me 34, Wife: 33, married 11 years, known each other about 18 years, three daughters age 6, 4 and 4. High school sweethearts, I was her first “real” boyfriend, broke up when I went to College because I wanted to experience everything I could, she didn’t take it well and did not really use the time to meet new people herself. We stayed in touch as friends then more, reconnected and dated again as I neared the end of College (and I became her first “lover”, but she was not my first) and I realized that she was everything I could want in a women. Married at 22/23, had some trouble having kids and went through various treatments before we were in the adoption process and it just happened on its own (our little Christmas miracle when we were surprised around this time of year 7 years ago). I found out I had cancer right before our first was born, and started chemo the week after our daughter arrived (so super stressful and trying time for my wife, and she did have some postpartum diagnosed). Cancer treated successfully and we did invetro to have more kids (which is how we ended up with twin girls this time). Certainly more postpartum and stress with 2 new babies and a 2 year old in the house, especially when I had to go back to work. I have always been, or seen myself as the “rock” or stabilizing force in our M. I was outgoing, fun and laid back in High School and College, but certainly introverted with my emotions and many thoughts. My wife was always the more outwardly emotional one.

Wife says issues in our marriage go back to before our first was born, and that her getting pregnant actually saved our marriage at that time as she was considering leaving (I know from this site and other resources not to believe 100% of what is said and 50% of what I see, but it still hurts). Looking back now, I see the signs and clues she was dropping about the “health” of our marriage that I missed or did not realize were as important as they are. I made LOTS of mistakes, I realize that and have owned up to them (and know I am and will be paying for them). I somewhat regretted that she did not have as much of an experience dating and meeting other guys (because I had lots of fun “experiences” in college myself), and that, along with my more outgoing or adventuress ideas on building our SL together, had me actually encourage her to flirt and text with other men (WOW, what a mistake I now realize that to be!!!). I always approached it from a place of our relationship being strong and forever, and this was something to give her experiences she missed and maybe spice things up between us too…I see, and learned from her, that she took it as me pushing her away or not being willing to provide the attention and emotional support she needed/wanted…I also now realize from my male perspective it was more the physical experiences I wanted her to have, but women connect much more emotionally.

Everything came to head in early Oct this year. I noticed a text come though on her phone as I walked by from a guy’s name I did not recognize, I asked her about it and she was very secretive, somewhat angry and dismissive of it. This of course set off my alarm bells and got me to snooping more (something I have done in the past, that has made her mad and that I now realize is part of a “controlling” aspect of my personality that I need to change and work on…plus as many have said, I realize it doesn’t really help anything and makes me feel much worse). I read the texts and see there are lots of them and stuff like “I love you too, can’t wait to see you again, your kisses are so soft”. So certainly EA going on, somewhat PA but I truly believe not a full on sexual PA yet. I confront her, we fight, she says things have been bad for years, she doesn’t know if she can take it anymore, she drops ILYBIANILWY, the only reason she has struck around this long is for the kids, etc. This guy is a 28 YO single PE teacher at the school she works at that she has known, but just recently became more involved with (as far as I can tell). This all hits me like a Mack truck…I realized things were not great, but never though they were so bad that she would actually consider leaving. So I have all these crazy emotions and feel the “rock” I have built around myself is destroyed and I am rocked to my core (which I now realize is not a bad thing, and I am going to grow and become better because of this regardless of how it all turns out).

She went to a few different events with him, some with my knowledge (but not approval) some sneaking around. Drove me crazy, we fought, we "communicated" she would say she knows she needs to stay to work on our marriage for the kids and she was done with this guy, but would still text and talk and meet up with him again. This goes on for a few weeks.
He calls one night saying he spoke with his parents and they don’t approve of the whole situation (they are both catholic and have strong connections to their families) and they need to step back from each other. That lasts three days till they see each other at work again and I am told “we tried, it was just too hard and weird not seeing or talking to each other”. Last fight was on 12-3 when I saw/found out their “I am done with this, really” only lasted 3 days. Fought, said some things I should not have but stayed calm and made sure she knew I was not leaving because of this just yet (but did not know/think we could keep going on like this) was fighting for us and wanted to make us better. She blames me for “making her act this way” from the way I treated her in the past and how I pushed her toward other guys. I calmly accept the blame from the standpoint that I made many mistakes in the past, but her actions now are her own, just as mine are my own, and there are costs to all of us depending on what we choose to do. The “fight” actually did not end as badly as I thought it could…she shared that her biggest fear in staying is that my changes (which she has seen some and appreciates, but doubts) will be short lived and she will be right back in the same unhappy/lonely spot again and will have lost this chance with a guy she “really likes and has so much connection to”. She says she knows she has to stay and try “for the kids”, and I think because all the families want her to, but I feel she doesn’t have really any of that emotional desire to try (I know from the boards and books she doesn’t need that to start, I start the process by working on me, but it is hard).

Things have been somewhat better this week. I am trying to focus on the changes in myself that she has made clear were priorities for her and hurt our relationship in the past (paying more attention to her and being interested and connected, and not getting as frustrated or angry at the children and doing more positive things with them). Have not done too much for GAL changes (although I do enjoy the better relationship I am building with the kids), but will start working out again soon and looking at some other ideas. We still sleep in the same bed and even cuddle and help take care of each other SL wise (not the full deed, but mutual aid and encouragement for now). I give her quick kisses on the cheek hello and goodbye and she seems mostly receptive, I cuddle up to her on the couch after the kids are in bed and just enjoy the closeness (I let her know I really enjoy it and it gives me comfort and connection to her, but I don’t want her to feel weird or forced, so let me know if she does not want it…and she says it is “ok” or “fine” and seems to enjoy it and even lean into it). We have met a few times over the past week or two for lunch while she is running around town. She has said she feels weird or odd with me in public or in some different situations, and that sometimes I am a bit over the top on the attention/physical contact with her...I am certainly going to try to moderate that...but see question below.

We did go to a traditional M counselor and it basically sucked, just rehashing the painful history and the mistakes I made, the feelings and emotions and communication involved and just hinting at the things we could “do” moving forward. My W hated the 2-3 sessions we went to and asked straight up “What can I do to work on things or start feeling more connected to him again” and the C just danced around “try things together that you used to like, or that you enjoy doing with friends”. I think W would be open to trying another C, and I would certainly look for someone more SBT focused or maybe the phone sessions. I am all about acknowledging my mistakes from the past, but more focused on what we need to do in the here and now, and the future, to work toward a solution…I know my W is not there yet and is still very fixated on what I did wrong and how we got here.

So, on to a few of my initial questions for the wisdom you all have:

have read that a part of DB’ing is pulling away and GAL so that I become better and more interesting and my W becomes more interested and “leans” back into the relationship…but given our situation, and how one of the issues was my in-attention and dis-connection to her…and she seems receptive and even encouraging of many of my efforts to be closer to her physically and intellectually…I worry that it would not be a good idea to “pull away” from her right now. She has not actively asked for the contact, but has said “she likes having a warm body in bed with her” and the other night when she was heading out, I DB’ed a little and simply said goodbye, she playfully asked if that was it, I asked what she wanted, she asked what I wanted to do…so I came to her and gave a better hug, neck nuzzle and small kiss with my goodbye that she leaned into and seemed to enjoy. So I am not quite sure how to proceed. Any thoughts on if I should keep trying to build the closeness (especially since she seems to appreciate and even enjoy it) while maybe also doing touches of GAL and pulling back to see how she responds? Or anything else?

The OM – This is the really hard one for me. I realize I need to stay far away from my instincts and thoughts about him and what she needs to do about him…but I also feel like in many ways our R will not have much of a chance to get better while she has “plan B” waiting in the wings (and there was a text in the recent past along the lines of “I hope I am worth the wait”…again, I know I need to try to not read into this stuff so much, but man does that stuff cut me down). It feels like I would be set up for failure so she could say “we tried, it didn’t work, so I am moving on” and that she would be almost setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy for us, trying and having it not work because she knows this guys is waiting for her. It is a boundary for me that I want this guy out of her life…but how far I am willing to push the issue and how much I can, or am willing, to take of her staying in touch with this guy is hard to determine (and I don’t want to set an ultimatum on it just yet). I believe they are talking less, texting less and not really seeing each other outside of work (where they only see each other 1 day a week)…unless they have gotten really much more sneaky in their communication (and because I am working on my control issues and not snooping anymore, I don’t know the truth like I used to). So what to do? Do I just keeping plugging away at working on me/us, keep it light and positive at home and ignore the issue as much as I can. I mean she knows how I feel, she says she knows they really need to step away from each other so we can look at our M…but her actions keep her going back to this guy. Is there any other way I could or should re-emphasize that her relationship with him is an issue with me and I believe a block to our forward progress?

Another of Wife's biggest fears/issues that she told me again last night is she is just so tired of not "feeling" anything toward me. Even when I am close to her, she says she allows it but does not really "feel" that connection. She thinks it is because she has shut down and not felt anything for so long (which I agree with and said it will certainly take time for us to work on this and work toward our "new" marriage). She says she is willing to try other counseling or programs and wants me to deal with finding them and setting it up. I am thinking a DB telephone session might be a good idea. Is that something I should just set up and we jump into...is there any prep work we should do before?

Thank you in advance for any thoughts, stories or advice. As I said, these boards have given me a lot of good ideas and some peace of mind when I desperately needed it. I also feel a bit badly about this, but it has made me feel much better about my M and where we are now in seeing how much more some of you have had to go through and some of the successes you have had.