I don’t know where to begin! Very Cliffs Notes version of my stich – W in MLC, reconnects with ex-BF on FB and start at EA (that leads to a PA) in late 2009/early 2010 (discovery: 2/1/10).
Talk separation/divorce (and she claims NC) which is busted during a family trip to Hawaii in 7/10. After 7/10, claims NC but I discover in 3/11 that the A has been on-going during that whole time period.
After that drama, we recommit to working on M (and I think the NC is real, at least for a while) and both feel like we’re getting back on track in mid to late 2011, but W goes to OM town last weekend (for a party at her “friend’s” house) and I discover a You Tube video she is in (at OM’s birthday celebration) – definitely my last straw (though she claims they are only “friends”…whatever). Kind of amazing to see it all above how many chances I have given this to work when I look at the condensed version above…wow.
We are now proceeding to separate after the holidays (we have 2 boys, age 11 and 7) – I will keep the house and boys and she will move to an apartment, though I can already see her trying to “back track” on things (“we don’t need to rush things”, “I don’t want to affect the boys”, etc.).
At the end of the day, I can’t believe how much I’ve allowed myself to be disrespected here and how many “second chances” I gave her and kind of ashamed about that.
Have also realized that this R hasn’t been worth it, as we are just at a base level incompatible and I’m not “myself” around her (which was an observation my boss made – we had gone to a dinner party at her house and she noticed I wasn’t myself there, really holding back). Was a good 2x4 as we proceed in this direction…
Her big thing is that she feels this need to be “independent” from me and having her own life (she has been in relationship after relationship since she was 19-20 years old), which I have now told her I will “give her” (keeping thinking about the line in that Sting song – “if you love someone, set them free”).
Trying to get through the holidays but very melancholy given this will be our “last” holiday as a nuclear family (we are actually getting along really well now that the pressure is off for me to be paranoid and I guess for her to be in contact with OM (who she claims is no longer the “OM” but a “friend she cares about” - she did say that "now that is isn't "taboo", the charger isn't there for her anymore - pretty f***ed up).
She still doesn't understand why my “boundary” has been no contact with the OM and doesn’t get why we never had a chance as long as there was that contact.
Feeling relieved that I can soon be independent myself again and not be burdened by her overspending, moodiness, and chaotic lifestyle.
Any advice on how to move forward appreciated…mostly journaling this and wanting some of those that really helped me through this 2+ year process to know how it is ending (Puppy, Robx, True Gritter, and all the others)…am feeling relief that this is not going to hang over me anymore and I can work to move on with my life.
Together: 12 years Married: 10 years Me: 44 Her: 42 PA suspected: 12/09 PA discovered: 2/1/10 PA rediscovered: 3/11 “Piecing”: 3/11-11/11 Confirmed re-contact: 12/4/11 B: 11 B: 7
